Sean holds onto my ankle firmly, refusing to free me. “I think the words that you're looking for are, ‘yes yes yes.’ This is so much better than the box. I can see the look on your face, the way your eyes sparkle, the way your lips twist into a panicked smile. Meanwhile, you’re the one talking about morality, what’s weird and what’s not, and then you swoon over toe kisses.”
“I’m not swooning.” Okay so that’s a total lie. As soon as he puts his mouth on my toes again, I’m lost. I’m gone, swept away the same as when he kisses that spot on my shoulder, and I just can’t stand it. I moan too loudly and rip the bedding underneath. My nails actually dig into the silk sheets and tear them. My back arches up in the air as I moan with ecstasy.
Sean doesn’t relent. His kisses stay focused on my feet, on my toes, until I admit that I have a thing—a very weird super sensitivity where kisses feel good on my toes. The sensations make me writhe and call out. I beg him to stop, but he won’t, not until I give in and admit that I’m a foot freak.
In a voice that’s way too high pitched and breathy, I dart upright, gasping, “Fine! You’re right! You’re right.” I pant the last word because he’s stopped torturing me. I’m such a nutter. I wiggle my foot, trying to jerk it away, but Sean holds on.
He gently massages my toes, touching the right places to make me quiver. Then I’m treated to a full smile that reveals both dimples. “I love it when I’m right.”
CHAPTER 11
The rest of the night flies by in a blissful blur. This is unreal, unlike anything Sean’s ever done before. I wonder if this is the man that used to be or if this is a totally new version of Sean that he doesn’t know, that no one knows. I’m elated and exhausted, lying naked in his bed. There’s a sliver of moonlight peering through the draperies. It feels like I have anvils tied to my eyelashes and every time I blink it becomes harder and harder to reopen my eyes, but I don’t want to take my gaze off of Sean.
He’s been falling in and out of sleep for an hour now, maybe more. There’s a peaceful look on his face that makes me want to watch him, but it also makes me worry. In this state, he’s frail. Vulnerability isn’t something that equates to Sean Ferro, but there are times when I see it. The most common is at the cemetery when he’s standing in front of his wife’s grave and looking at the family he lost. He blames himself and he always will.
The thing is, tonight was different than other times because his walls never went back up. It’s what I always wanted. It’s also what scares the tar out of me. I finally had a taste of what the real Sean Ferro is like, of the beautiful man that lies beneath the torment, and I love him even more. The little traces of who he is that have popped out from time to time are nothing compared to the man I saw tonight.
I want to close my eyes and wake up next to him every day. I want things to stay like this, and have it be me and him against the world. Isn’t that what marriage is all about? Forming an alliance with someone, trusting them, hoping they’ll be there when you fall, and helping them up when they need you. Sean’s afraid of repeating his mistakes and I see that, but he’s in this constant state of looking backwards and living in the past.
I was like that. I wanted to be like him. I wanted to be numb to the world and everything in it. I didn’t want to feel the pain of losing my parents, but it meant that I gave up feeling anything at all. I don’t think I can live that way very long, because what’s the point of living if you can’t feel?
All the things that I love most are sensations—the breeze on my face, the crunch of fall leaves under my feet, the sand between my toes, and even the warmth of Sean’s skin on mine—they're all things I feel. The things I don’t want to be without. I wonder if tonight will convince Sean to let go of his past, at least a little, enough to step forward into the light. The only way I’ll find out is if I close my eyes and fall asleep. I’m excited to know what tomorrow brings but I’m afraid of it at the same time.
My eyelids close slowly as my gaze is fixated on Sean’s lips. To my surprise, his blue eyes are suddenly revealed through dark lashes. A smile twitches at his lips and he reaches out, touching my face, dragging his finger along my cheek. The touch makes me shiver and feel safe at the same time. It’s like being touched with ice and fire, and there’s no other way to describe it. Both ecstasy and agony.
Sean says sleepily, “Close your eyes spray start car girl. I’ll still be here in the morning, nothing will change.”
I’m afraid to ask, but I do, “How can you be so sure?”
“Because I finally found what I’m looking for, I was just too stupid to see it.” He smiles sleepily at me. “I’ve made promises before, but I didn’t know what I was promising. Now I do. I want this. Every day. Every night. Us. Together, if you’ll have me. And if not, I may just wear my man ring and just tell people I’m engaged to the awesome Avery Stanz.”
That last remark makes me giggle, I can’t help it. Sean caresses my cheek again and I snuggle closer to him. “Was that a proposal, Mr. Jones? Because I believe it’s tacky to propose after sex, at least for your kind.”
He smirks. “My kind?”
“Yes, your kind—the fabulously wealthy, powerful, and slightly crazy, Ferro family. I’m sure they’d be horrified to learn of such a tacky proposal.” I’m teasing him and too sleepy to make up much of a jeer. He knows it. Sean snuggles closer so we’re nose to nose, and he’s gazing sleepily at me. “So should we open a condom and put it on my finger as a ring?”
Sean’s response is nonverbal, he leans in closer, putting his hands on my side, and tickles me. “The guy who gives you a condom as an engagement ring is a fucktard.”
I gasp, opening my mouth like I’m in super shock. “Did you just use slang? Oh my God, I think I might die. The great Sean Ferro sounds like a normal person.” I laugh as he tickles me more, but I’m honestly too tired to fight him off.
“This is an extension of the first proposal, which was done correctly and very romantically. You know how hard it was to find someone at the State Park Department to let me rent the damn room? I was on hold for nearly three hours.”
Now I tickle him, pressing my fingers into his sides and wiggling. Sean laughs and confesses, “Okay, so it was two hours, but still took forever. That was the proposal. This is the affirmation, the statement that comes later that states I still mean what I said. I want you now, and I want you forever, for the ups, downs, and everything in between. I want you here next to me, like this, every night. I want to kiss you awake every morning. I want to do very dirty things that I will not say out loud, Miss Smith.”
I can’t help it, I’m smiling like an idiot. I want to believe him. I want to believe it, but he’s said this before. Except last time his actions were different. Aren’t actions supposed to speak louder than words? I should accept this change, shouldn’t I?
With a quiet voice, I say, “I’ll have to think about that, Mr. Ferro.” I shrug, teasingly.
With all seriousness in his voice, Sean leans on and says softly, “I’ll make it right. I promise, I’ll be here in the morning.” He knows what’s weighing on me, what’s tugging at my heart, and keeping me awake.
I open my mouth, but it’s gone dry, so I nod. I roll over on my pillow the other way, not wanting him to see the emotion that’s playing across my face. Hope this high shatters when it falls, it’ll break me and I know it. At the same time, I feel like it’s a risk I have to take.
People change and grow, and Sean Ferro is not immune to growth. In the limited time I've known him, I’ve seen him try. I know how hard he fights his demons and his past. I also know there’s no reason for him to do that alone. In a lot of ways, we're the same, holding back the past like an inky tidal wave that threatens to crush us at any moment. Two people holding it back should be better than one.
Sean’s voice scatters my thoughts when he speaks. “Go to bed, spray start car girl. We can talk about anything and everything in the morning. The only other person in the house is one of the security g
uards, and he’s not stupid enough to come in here, not after seeing you in the foyer with sticks and leaves in your hair. If I didn’t know better, I would’ve thought you concocted a plan to break through my defenses and pull every heart string I have. Apparently, all it takes is a few scratches on your face and messy hair.”
“Nope, no concocting. I’m a dumbass and actually ran all this way. I jumped fences in a single bound,” I say dramatically, “and fell flat on my face. The result was epic bruising, blisters, and a sore butt. I really don’t land on my feet very often.” I smile a little bit as I feel Sean snuggle up behind me.
He wraps his arms around me and whispers in my ear, “You don’t have to worry anymore. When you jump, I’ll catch you. You don’t have to land on your feet, not if I’m here.”
His words make me smile and that’s the last thing I remember before drifting off. The world is still, and warm, and perfect.
CHAPTER 12
Sean’s phone rings, again, stealing him from sleep. I’ve been lying in his arms half awake, thinking. I don’t like this plan. Marrying Trystan does throw everyone off, and I understand why Sean wants to do it—I even understand why Trystan agreed to it—but it’s not fair. It’s not fair to me and it’s not fair to Trystan and it’s not fair to Sean. The three of us are living life in limbo, waiting for the other shoe to fall. Going back to the Cinderella thing, I kinda wish the other slipper would just break.
The phone falls silent once again as Sean snuggles into me tighter. I can feel his warm breath over my shoulder and his strong arms around my waist. It’s something I’ve always wanted, a night with him without pain or regret, and a morning with no remorse. I’m not sure if he’ll give up his old ways and I’m not sure if I want him to. To tell the truth, I was disappointed we didn’t go into his little sex room. I was wondering what kinds of things he would have in there.
Learning how to love and be loved is hard, especially after so much loss. That's something we both know.
The phone rings again, chirping next to my head on the nightstand. I finally lean over to look at it and see who’s calling Sean at this hour, and what I see surprises me.
MASTERSON