“I know,” she says sadly as she gets off the bed. “I’m sorry. I know this is frustrating.”
I watch her for a moment as I choose my words. As she puts on her bra, I say, “It is, because I can’t raise kids with you when you’re in one house and I’m in another.”
She looks over at me as she fastens the back, nodding. “That’s foolish. That won’t happen.”
I shrug. “I mean, I know I always jump to the worst possible outcome, but damn if it doesn’t feel as if it’ll be like that. Is there an anticipated date for you wanting to sleep at my house with me? Can you explain it to me? Do you want me to buy you a house so we can make it ours? Will that help?”
I see the tears swirling in her eyes. “I don’t know. It’s complicated.”
“Do you think I’ll hurt you? That I’ll rape you? Or allow anyone else to?”
“Fucking hell. No, Kirby!”
“Then what is it?”
“I don’t know. The control of it? Like, I’m letting myself be vulnerable. It scares me.”
“How can you be vulnerable if I’m there to protect you?” I demand as I get out of the bed. “It makes absolutely no sense. Don’t you trust me?”
“I do. I so do. I don’t know what to say to you,” she says as a tear slowly trails down her cheek.
“We’re supposed to be vulnerable with each other. That’s how we grow together,” I implore, but I can tell she is done.
“Can we put this on the shelf for right now? I have a packed day and then dinner with my parents, and I’m already overwhelmed. Please?”
I move to her, wiping her face free of the tears. “Yes, that’s fine. But Jaylin, I need you to realize you’re safe with me. You can be vulnerable because I’ll take care of you. I know that’s not something you’re used to or even know how to do. But believe me, when you do figure it out, I’ll be there, ’cause I’m not letting you go.”
Her hands fall from the band of her bra to her sides as she sighs, leaning into me, wariness swimming in the depths of her eyes. “I hope you don’t.”
“I won’t. I’m too stubborn, and I believe in us,” I promise her. “I want this. I want you. But Jay, you got to want this too for it to work.”
“I do.”
I kiss her nose. “I don’t know if you truly do.”
She gazes up at me as silence surrounds us. I kiss her nose again, then her mouth, and then head toward the bathroom.
Neither of us says anything, sending my anxiety into overload.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Jaylin
* * *
Carefully, because I’m not trying to bruise my forehead or damage the baby’s crib, I slam my forehead against the rail of the crib. I can’t believe I am helping put together Aviva’s baby crib, but here I am. My best friend is pregnant, almost a new mom, and I get to help with the nursery in her lavish new house. It’s five bedrooms since Nico wants three kids, and, of course, Callie will always have a room. It’s a beautiful home, in the ritzy part of town, and is walking distance to the sub shop, not that Aviva walks. She grew up poor, so living like this is a shock, I’m sure.
Every excuse she came up with, Nico was there to reassure her. She didn’t want a big house, said there would be too much to clean, so Nico hired a maid service. She said she wanted Callie to always have a place, so he made sure there was a room big enough for a young adult to feel like she had her own space. She wanted a yard for her baby to play in, so Nico bought out the empty lot behind their house and gated it.
Everything she used as an excuse, he fulfilled that request and more. She told me he said, “I want you to want for nothing and to have everything.” It was extremely sweet, and I couldn’t be happier for them. She deserves Nico; he’s a saint.
And I finally have the same…if I don’t lose him.
Even with her huge belly, waddling everywhere, Aviva moves like it’s nothing. She works forty hours a week and doesn’t bat an eye. Even with Nico complaining for her to hire more staff, she won’t. I think it’s in her blood; she cannot just sit still and do nothing. She has to be in motion. She has painted the house, decorated it—with some help from her friend Amelia’s mom, but she’s done most of the work. Like the nursery. She went with a muted tropical theme. Instead of bright colors, it’s soft, neutral ones. On the wall where the crib will go are light-blue waves over which they’ll paint the baby’s name once they know what it is. She has wooden palm trees, surfboards, and more beach-themed stuff everywhere. There are fish plushies, and of course, Daddy’s jersey is hanging on the wall. It’s adorable, and I am completely in awe of her, even while I am battling my own demons.