The truth was she’d never stopped hurting. She’d never stopped missing John, though the grief became manageable at some point while she wasn’t looking. She’d never stopped missing her ability to run marathons like she used to, to feel her body flagging and know that it was something to push through because she was almost there.
She’d never stopped mourning the loss of Daniel’s love.
Hope stopped at the top of the stairs, pressing a hand to her chest, the truth almost sending her to her knees. She’d told him the truth when she’d said she never stopped loving him. Even now, even knowing it would never work, that their reasons for trying to make this work were the very definition of irreconcilable differences, she loved him.
That knowledge burned her rage to ash, leaving Hope, pregnant and alone, in its wake.
She made it to the bedroom and closed the door softly behind her. Somehow she managed to get to the bed and burrow beneath covers that smelled faintly of lavender and vanilla. She curled up, placing her hands on her stomach. There was no freaking change in the last few hours, but she imagined she could feel the life growing there all the same.
He’s going to miss this. The sleepless nights. The morning cuddles. All the firsts. He’s going to miss everything.
Maybe I shouldn’t have walked away…
But all she could see was his face when he’d said they should name their baby John. Pain arrowed through her chest, and she had to press a pillow against her face to muffle the sob that escaped. This baby deserved more than to be thought of as some kind of penance. She deserved it, too. Was it too much to ask that he be with her because he loved her, rather than because he was punishing himself for John’s death?
Apparently so.
Another sob escaped, tearing itself from her throat, quickly followed by a third. A cry rose up inside her, desperate to be voiced.
A hand touched her head, and she startled. She’d been so focused on keeping as quiet as possible that she hadn’t realized someone had come into the room. She looked up, shock breaking through her meltdown. “Mom.”
“Jessica called me.” Her mom sat on the edge of the bed. “I always liked that girl.”
Her mom was here. Which meant…
She knew everything.
Her mom smoothed back her hair, the move harking back to her childhood—and to her months in recovery. She looked down at Hope with dark eyes so similar to her own. “I’m sorry, honey. More sorry than you can know. You deserve better than this. You always have.”
There was no judgment in her tone, nothing but empathy and a desire to make everything right. Just like she always had. Hope’s mom was a fixer. She saw a problem and she went in with elbow grease and sheer willpower and muscled the things around her into submission. Being so helpless after the car crash had broken something in her, something she’d never quite gotten back. That didn’t stop her from trying, though.
Part of Hope wanted to blame her mom for the fight with Daniel, for exposing her weakness so thoroughly, but the truth was if Daniel had really been willing to put her first, he wouldn’t have broken at the first opportunity. He hadn’t fought for her.
Just like he hadn’t fought for her thirteen years ago.
“Why aren’t I enough for him? Why does it always have to be about John, or about what he thinks he took from me? All he can focus on is the past.” She clenched her teeth, but it only made her chest hurt worse to keep the words inside. So, for the first time in far too many years, she let it out. “He loves his guilt more than he loves me.”
“He’s not a bad man.” Her mom kept up that soothing motion, smoothing her hair back.
“You don’t like him.” It came out too accusing, but she couldn’t take the words back. “You never forgave him.”
“That’s my burden to bear. Not yours.” Her mom’s mouth tightened slightly. “It’s easier to forgive something done to you than something done to someone you love—especially a child. John wasn’t his fault. You know it. I know it. What he did to you…”
A crazy part of her couldn’t stop from defending him. “He blames himself for John.”
“He blames himself for a lot of things.”
She let out a shuddering breath. It didn’t ease the burning in her eyes one bit. “I don’t know how to do this. I just want to shake him until he sees that he’s going to miss out on the future that could have been ours because he’s so focused on whipping himself for the past.”
“You have to let it go.”
She jerked back. “What?”
Her mom’s eyes were nothing but kind. “Honey, you have this amazing ability to put your mind to something and make it into a reality. It’s an asset, though sometimes I worry about your motivations.” She held a hand up. “But that’s neither here nor there. My point is that Daniel isn’t a problem to be fixed. He’s a person. You can’t change him if he doesn’t want to be changed.”
She knew that. Of course she knew that. But it was so incredibly hard to let go of the dreams she’d allowed herself to paint for their future. Dreams where they got married, settled into that little farmhouse they’d always talked about, and had half a dozen beautiful children. “I want it—him—so badly.”
“I know, honey.” Her mom gathered her to her chest and hugged her tight. “But life rarely cares about what we want.”
Loss made her sick to her stomach. “I don’t know if I can be a single mom.”
“You can do anything you set your mind to. You’ll love your baby with everything you have, and that child will want for nothing.” Her mom kissed the top of her head. “And if Daniel decides to be in the baby’s life—”
“He will.” She might not be certain of anything else, but she was certain of that. “He might not want me, but he wants our baby.” And she wouldn’t stand in his way, no matter how his
rejection hurt. “He’ll be a good daddy.”
Her mother’s mouth tightened. “Likely, yes. But you deserve more than a man who will be with you for a baby. You deserve to be with a man who puts you first. And Daniel never will.”
No, he wouldn’t. Not when he could put his grief and guilt before all others.
Tonight. She’d give herself tonight to mourn the life she’d never have. And then, tomorrow, she’d wake up and get back to facing down the world. Dallas seemed cold after being in Devil’s Falls, so maybe she’d look into moving a bit closer—to San Antonio to be closer to her parents. Staying where she had minimal support system just to prove a point was sheer idiocy.
Hope opened her eyes, staring out the bedroom window to where the stars winked at her. “I’m going to be okay.” Every other time she’d said those words, they felt like a promise.
Right now they felt like a lie.
…
“Well, you’ve gone and fucked things up beyond repair, haven’t you?”
Daniel had never hated living in a small town as much as he did in that moment. People knew where to find him far too easily. If he was in a big city, he could blend into the crowds until no one bothered to look sideways at him. No one bothered to meddle.
He opened another beer without looking at Adam and frowned at Ollie. “Some guard dog you are.”
“This house only has room for one guard dog.”
Him. He transferred his glare to his best friend. “Bite me.”
“Wrong again.” Adam dropped into the chair next to him and snatched the beer out of his hands. “What the hell were you thinking?”
Word sure as fuck got around fast. Daniel checked his watch. “It’s been less than twenty-four hours. How the hell did you find out?”
“You know your cousin. She’s got feelers all over this town.” Adam motioned with his fingers. “Hope went to Jessica Stroup’s after your fight, and Jessica called in Jules as reinforcements.” He sent Daniel a significant look. “She also called Mrs. Moore.”