The tiny eyelashes and soft fingernails.
He gave her hand a little squeeze. “She must have taken after her mom, then.”
It felt good. He was helping her give Daisy some perspective. Giving Daisy her place in the world as a permanent part of her.
She heard him draw a deep breath. “The perfect part. Was that the hardest? Because I think that would have been the hardest for me.” In the dark, his words sounded husky, as if he was struggling to get them out.
Wow. The words that cut right to her heart. The hardest thing of all. It almost took the breath from her lungs. How could he understand like that? Was it the doctor in him—or was it just Evan?
“Yes.” Her voice was wavering but she couldn’t help it. He understood. He actually understood what the hardest part to get over was. “I wanted a reason. I hated being a statistic, a number. I couldn’t apportion blame anywhere. It made me think about every single thing I’d ever done during my pregnancy, every single thing I’d ever eaten. Every twinge. Every restless night. There was no one left to put the blame on but myself.” She shook her head, her voice drifting off. “It was a normal day. We were planning on a delivery date. It was a routine scan.”
She didn’t need to say the rest. The horror of there being no heartbeat. The ominous silence in the room. The darting looks between the staff. And the crumpled chart in her hand that revealed her baby’s movements. Right up until an hour before.
He released her hand and wrapped an arm back around her shoulders. Then he did something she didn’t expect. He pulled her close and walked with his other hand on her belly.
She could feel it. She could feel it all around them. The way he was trying to comfort her. To be there for her. If she believed in auras Evan would have surrounded them in a green healing glow.
She’d thought the walk back through the forest would be long. She’d thought it would be tough. But it felt as if it was passing in the blink of an eye.
This almost felt cathartic to her.
His voice was quiet, just loud enough for them both to hear it. “I think I would have felt the same. It’s the doctor in you, Violet. You look for a rational, reasonable explanation. When the world is full of ‘don’t knows’ it makes it so much more difficult to move on.”
He wasn’t just talking about her. He was talking about him too.
It was strange. She hadn’t seen any similarities in the things they’d had to deal with—probably because they’d never discussed them. Now they seemed crystal clear.
Two entirely different scenarios, one affecting Evan, both affecting her. The individual effects had been devastating.
And they’d both struggled. Someone else understood. For the first time it felt as if someone else understood.
But would he understand what she had to do next?
“I know what you mean, Evan.” She looked around her. They were nearing the edge of the forest. The denseness of the trees was diminishing. The foliage was thinning out. Even the darkness was fading a little thanks to the moon, high in the sky.
Their journey was coming to an end.
The men were still carrying Hasana between them. They were a little ahead, starting to weave their way through the houses. Shrieks came from the villagers who spotted them and ran to embrace them in relief that they’d been found.
Almost automatically she could hear the level and tone of the voices changing. Discovering the outcome for Hasana’s baby. Then she heard Urbi’s voice above the rest—strong and authoritarian, ordering them to take Hasana and her baby to one of the houses. She heard her speaking to some of the men, telling them to prepare the village burial ground. Hasana, along with many of the villagers, was Hausa and would follow the Islamic burial principles. They would bathe and wrap Bem’s little body and perform a blessing prior to his burial.
She turned to face him. The burial would take place in a few hours. She wanted to wait for that, but then she had to go. She had to leave.
She reached up and touched his cheek.
“Thank you for finding me, Evan. Thank you for finding us.”
He knew. He could obviously sense it. The emphasis on that tiny word. He gave her lazy, sexy smile that she loved. “There was always going to be an us, Violet. It was written in the stars.”
This was going to be so hard.
The hardest thing she’d done in the past three years.
It would be so easy to step into his arms and forget about the day she’d just had. It would be so easy to chalk up everything that just happened to the stress of the moment.
A reaction.
To allow herself to go back to their camp with him and into his bed.
But she had to be true to herself.
She didn’t want to stumble on for another few months. Enjoying the days and nights with Evan, knowing that there was an inevitability to their relationship. She didn’t want to wait around for the long silences and fights about family.
She had to do this now.
Before the strength left her completely. Her legs were already starting to tremble.
She stared into his eyes and took a deep breath. “You know now, Evan. You know about my daughter. You know about my life.” She paused for a second. “And I know about yours.” She willed back the tears that were pooling in her eyes. “And now I need to do the hardest thing of all.”
His brow furrowed, almost as if a sweep of dread had just come over him. “What is it, Violet? What’s wrong?”
She lowered her eyes and laid a hand on his chest. “I can’t take the final steps with you around me, Evan. I can’t heal. Because you won’t let me.” He looked as if he wanted to interrupt and she shook her head. “You have to let me finish. And somehow I realize you’re not as far along the healing process as I am. You have to find your own way.”
She looked around her. “I thought I was ready. I thought I’d waited long enough—kept myself out of harm’s way. That’s why I spent the past three years hiding in an office at the DPA instead of being out in the field. But being here has taught me that there are still a few steps I have to take.”
She lifted her eyes to meet his. It took all her strength to continue. She could already see the panic start to flare in his eyes. “I have to talk to my family. No. I have to share with my family. I have to let them grieve for the niece and granddaughter that they never knew. I have to let them know where I am in this life. I’ve got to stop thinking about them for a little while. I’ve got to stop trying to protect them. And I’ve got to start thinking about me. I need to let them take care of me.”
She could feel her voice start to become more determined. She knew this was the only way forward for her. “And I can’t deal with your grief and mine. It’s too much, Evan. It’s too much for one person to take. I thought I needed to get away from you before. Before I came here. Kissing you that night unleashed a whole lot of demons I didn’t know how to deal with. I was feeling attracted to someone again. I was feeling lustful.”
Her voice dropped. “I wanted to do the kind of things that could get me back in a situation I couldn’t control before. But you’ve helped me. You saw me through that part. I know I can have a relationship again. I know I can feel free to love someone again.”
She drew a deep breath.
“But I can’t do this with you, Evan. I need to be free. Free to finally move on.”
She took a step back and pulled her hand away from his chest. She had to put some distance between them. “You have to take the next step for you. No matter what that might be. And what I really need to do is get away from you. I love you, Evan. But I can’t love you like this.”
He couldn’t hold his tongue any longer. His arms automatically reached out for her and she had to back away. “No, Violet. You don’t need to leave. We can work through this together. Whatever you need to do, that’s fine
with me.” He tried to brush his fingers against her cheek. “I’ll wait. I’ll wait until you’re ready.”
“You’re the one who’s not ready, Evan. You’re the one who’s not ready for me.”
She stepped back even further. She had to stay strong. She loved him, but he wasn’t ready to be with her.
The sorrow in his eyes was killing her. This was hurting them both. She looked straight into his dark blue eyes. She needed him to understand how far this whole experience had taken her. “Never in a million years did I think I’d end up in this position. I would never have set foot on a plane to Africa if I could ever have imagined this. I knew I would be working with children and families. I knew I would be working with babies. But I thought I was ready. I felt ready. I felt as if I was moving in the right direction.”
She threw up her hands. “But a stillborn baby? In the middle of a forest, fleeing from kidnappers? I could never have predicted that. I could never have realized how important to me that could be.”
She wanted to leave him with something positive. She couldn’t bear the haunted expression on his face.
“This wasn’t a bad experience for me, Evan, but it was life-changing. Life-changing in a good way. I’ll never see anything like that again. If I’d stayed in Atlanta I would never have been put in that situation. But I was. And I’m glad. Not glad for Hasana and her son but glad that I was able to be there, able to help. Able to understand. Once I’ve attended Bem’s funeral it will be time for me to go back home. It’s time for me to make my peace, once and for all.”
And then she saw it, the tremble at his throat and the shine of tears in his eyes.
She could only whisper, “Don’t make this any harder, Evan. If you love me as much as I love you, you’ll let me do this.”
And she turned and walked away before her heart could break all over again.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Two months later
HE WAS WAITING. Waiting in arrivals. His dark hair still shaggy, a baseball cap stuck on his head, wearing a pair of jeans and a pale blue shirt.
He didn’t look happy.