That’s what made this so hard.
She had to step away. She didn’t want to hurt him, but if she stayed without facing her demons she couldn’t predict their future.
She wanted to be with Lincoln because she loved him. Not because he was the easy way for her to deal with her past illness. It wasn’t true to herself and it wasn’t fair to him. If she tried to deal with how she felt while staying with Lincoln, it could cloud her judgement and influence her decisions. She needed to step away. And she needed to do it before he became even more attached to Zach.
What if he met someone else? Someone who could give him a family of his own? The thought made her stomach churn. It was a risk she had to take.
She wanted to love Lincoln with her whole heart, not just the little piece she hadn’t locked away.
His eyelids flickered open and a lazy smile appeared across his face. He lifted the corner of the twisted duvet. ‘Wanna come in?’
She shook her head, but walked over towards him and sat on the edge of the bed. ‘Morning.’ Her voice was cool.
He rested his head on his hand. ‘What’s up? Something wrong with Zachary?’
‘No, he’s fine.’ She smoothed her hand along the bed, focusing on the crumpled sheet rather than his face. ‘He’s sleeping again.’
‘So why don’t you come back to bed?’ There was a twinkle in his eye again and it pulled at her heartstrings. She didn’t want to hurt him. He’d helped her in more ways than he could ever imagine.
She took a deep breath and stood up, turning to face him. She had to be calm, she had to be in control. ‘I have to leave, Lincoln.’
The words came like a bolt out of the blue, causing him to sit upright and swing his legs out of the bed. So much for a lazy morning. ‘What on earth are you talking about?’
‘I can’t stay here any more. You’ve been so kind, but I need some time—some space.’
Deep lines of utter confusion furrowed Lincoln’s brow. ‘We go from last night—to this? Did I do something wrong?’
She shook her head and touched his arm. ‘No, Linc. You didn’t. You did something wonderful. But that’s what’s wrong. I’ve spent five years avoiding this. I’ve spent five years not dealing with this. And I can’t move on. I can’t move on to the next stage of my life without dealing with this first.’
‘So why can’t we deal with it together?’
She sighed. ‘Because there can’t be an “us”. There can’t be a “together”. I’ve got to take some time to learn to accept who I am and what I’ve been through. And I’ve got to do it on my own. I’ve got to do this on my own terms.’
‘Why on earth do you think you’ve got to do this yourself? I told you last night that I was happy to take you the way you are.’
She sat down next to him. ‘I know you did, Lincoln.’ She looked down at the space where her breast should be. ‘You’re happy to take me the way I am…’ she looked at him with tear-glazed eyes ‘…but I’m not. This isn’t about you. It’s about me.’
‘Don’t give me the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. You owe me better than that.’
She bit her lip. ‘I know I do, Linc. And I’m sorry. Ultimately, I truly want us to be together. I want us to be family. But I’ve got to be selfish about this because right now I know I’m not ready and I’ve got to look after me first.’
‘And you think this is the way? You think this is the answer? To go away? Hell, Amy, you’re just out of hospital with a premature baby—do you really think this is the time to find yourself?’ He was pacing around the room now in his white jersey shorts, agitated. She had to pull her eyes away.
But he hadn’t finished. ‘I’ve spent six weeks—six weeks—helping look after your son. And now you’re just going to take him away from me?’ His pacing grew more frenetic. ‘I’m the one who’s spent the most time with him, and I know I don’t have any rights to him, I know Zachary isn’t mine. But he feels like mine. He feels like my son. I can’t just let you walk away. Zach knows me, he recognises me—how can this be good for him?’
Amy could feel a tear trickle from the corner of her eye. This was harder than she’d ever imagined. Her heart was breaking. She’d never wanted this for Linc. She’d never wanted to hurt him. But that was exactly what she was doing. She’d come to him because she’d thought he’d be the best doctor for her son. But things had changed so much. This hadn’t really been about healing her son, this had been about healing herself.
‘This is about Zachary, Linc. This is all about Zachary. How can I be a good mother to him when I can’t even look at my reflection in the mirror? How can I focus my time and attention on my son when this is hanging in the background? How can I even think about another relationship when I’m still not comfortable in my own skin?
‘I want to be free to love you. I want to be free to watch you have a relationship with my son. But everything inside me is so screwed up. I need to go back home—home to Santa Maria and my friends. I need to learn to look after myself and Zach before I’m ready to do this. Don’t you see what you’ve done for me? The best thing in the world. You’ve helped me realise I need to face up to my demons. I’m healthy, Linc. Physically, I’m healthy. And I hope that when I reach my five-year anniversary I’ll be able to kiss my breast cancer goodbye completely. But inside?’ She shook her head.
‘I’m not quite there yet.’ She lifted a finger and touched the side of his cheek—gently, tenderly. ‘I need to take one last step. This is the final hurdle. The last thing I need to overcome. And you’ve given me the courage to do it. I want to have a relationship with you. I do. But right now I’m short-changing you. I’m not loving you the way I should. You need to let me go. You need to let me go and come back on my own terms.’
He stopped pacing and stared at her. She couldn’t read his face. It was as if he was trying to make sense of her words. As if he was trying to rationalise what she was saying—trying to construct an argument against it. She could see the tension across the muscles in his shoulders and his abdomen. He was upset.
Then she saw his shoulders sag, his muscles relax. It was as if he’d resigned himself to the fact she wanted to leave. As if he understood her words and realised this was the only way.
And it caused her tears to flow even stronger.
He reached over and brushed a loose curl from her cheek, tucking it behind her ear. She could see a million thoughts in his eyes. He leaned forward. ‘Sometimes the hardest bridge to cross is the one in your own mind.’ His words were quiet, almost a whisper. ‘I can’t do this for you.’
‘I know.’ The words hung in the air between them, like a moment of suspended time.
He brushed a kiss to her cheek. ‘If this is what you need, then I can’t pretend to understand, but I’ll always support you. You and Zach.’
He lifted his head. ‘When do you want to go?’ He hesitated. ‘I want to say goodbye to Zach.’
She breathed a huge sigh of relief. It almost felt like a weight was lifting off her shoulders. She knew this would be killing him, but he was still giving her room to breathe, room to heal. ‘I guess I should go today. I don’t want to make this any more difficult.’
‘Do you need a hand to move?’ She could see the emotions on his face now. The pain she’d caused him bubbled beneath the surface. How could she do this to him?
‘No. No, thanks. I’ll make other arrangements.’ She had to. She couldn’t hurt him any more.
‘Then let me say goodbye.’ He picked up last nights discarded jeans from the floor and pulled them on. He grabbed a T-shirt from the cupboard and walked through to her bedroom. Through to where Zachary lay sleeping in his crib.
She watched as he bent over and stroked the side of Zachary’s face, whispering to him for a few minutes. She had no idea what he was saying and s
he was glad, because her legs currently felt like jelly.
He turned to face her, striding briskly from the room but stopping just for a second beside her.
His dark-rimmed eyes caught hers. She wanted to tell him she loved him. She wanted to tell him that she ached for his touch. She wanted to tell him that she would never feel about anyone else the way she currently felt about him.
He hesitated, just for a second, as if trying to fathom if he should say the words circulating in his brain or not. Then he gave her a little smile. ‘You were my One That Got Away, you know?’
‘What?’ His words confused her.
He moved closer. ‘They say everyone has one. The One That Got Away. The one person that if you could turn back the clock and do something different for, you would. Anything that would have stopped them leaving. You were mine, Amy. And you always will be.’
His eyes met hers. ‘Maybe this is right for us.’ He glanced around him, his gaze sweeping over the apartment. ‘There’s something that I’ve wanted to do for a while—something I’ve been putting off. This might just give me the time to do that.’ He looked thoughtful then reached over and squeezed her hand. ‘Promise me you’ll keep in touch.’
Her lips trembled. ‘I promise,’ she whispered as he kissed her cheek once more and walked out the door.
She stared down onto the San Francisco street and watched him walk briskly along the sidewalk. This was hard. Harder than she could ever have imagined.
But inside she knew it was right. She’d made a decision. Out there was the man she loved. She wanted to be with him with her whole heart.
She just needed to learn how to love herself first.
CHAPTER TEN
AMY drew a deep breath before climbing the stairs. She couldn’t hide the tremble in her arm as she lifted her hand to ring the bell. It was a quiet, unassuming street, with trees lining the length of it, giving it an air of suburbia in the middle of the city. The gold plaque next to the door glistened in the sun. Donna Kennedy, Counsellor.