Her words were swimming through his head. Juggling back and forth with the blackness and feelings of guilt. The horrible weight of responsibility.
It was almost as if someone had pushed a little button, flicked a switch somewhere inside him. He couldn’t think about the ‘right’ words to say.
He couldn’t think at all. He had to get this over with. Once Lexi knew the truth she would happily walk away.
‘Because it was my fault!’ he yelled.
The words echoed through the inky black night, carrying along the dark path and beyond.
Lexi flinched backwards, shock stamped all across her face.
There was silence. Iain couldn’t speak, he was surrounded by the steamy breath that he’d just shot out and his heart was pounding in his chest.
He said it. He’d got it out there. But instead of feeling the weight of relief he might have, he just wanted to crumple down into a ball. He’d lost his wife and children because of his selfish behaviour. Instead of protecting his family, he’d destroyed them completely. No wonder he had problems sleeping at night.
Lexi looked stunned. Her hand touched his sleeve. Her voice was quiet, almost whispering. ‘How? How can it be your fault? Your wife died during childbirth.’
He squeezed his eyes shut. ‘It’s my fault because Bonnie had wanted to give up IVF. We’d already had two attempts and she was done. She’d had enough.’ He opened his eyes again to face Lexi, pointing his finger at his chest. ‘It’s my fault because I persuaded her to give it one last go. We still had viable embryos. I wanted to give them a chance. I didn’t stop and think about the effects on Bonnie—mentally and physically. I was so fixated on getting a family. I thought with my love and support we would be fine.’
It was like scraping an iron claw down her back, digging it deep into her delicate flesh. He had no idea how much those words hurt. She didn’t believe it had been Iain’s fault for a second. But he’d just revealed how fixated he was on a family. A family she could never provide. Yet another reason to leave.
‘Are you honestly telling me that Bonnie was unhappy being pregnant?’
‘What? Of course not. She was delighted. She was over the moon to fall pregnant. And when we found out she was having twins it made everything she’d ever gone through seem worthwhile.’
‘So how does that make it your fault, Iain? Bonnie could have said no. She could have refused to be implanted again.’
‘But she did, Lexi. I persuaded her. I did.’ Even though he’d got the words out there, his frustration was still building in his chest. His voice was rising. ‘If I had left Bonnie alone she would still be here. If I hadn’t pushed for the final round of IVF Bonnie wouldn’t have died. She’d still be alive. Still here to breathe. Still here to do the things she loved with the people she loved. Instead, I see her every night in my dreams. I see the panic on her face as she realises something is wrong, something is very wrong. I watch the monitors around her as she starts to bleed out and her blood pressure plummets. Amidst the panic in the room I hear her whisper to save the babies as she squeezes my hand. She believed in me, Lexi. She trusted me to save our children.’
He leaned against the barrier to the Thames, putting his head in his hands. His legs were shaking. He was back in that brightly lit room again. Filled with more doctors and midwives than he’d ever imagined. Every time he turned he was in someone’s way. Watching the life drain out of his beloved wife, and watching the faces of the staff as they eventually delivered two still white babies.
‘I don’t deserve you, Lexi. I don’t deserve anyone.’ The words hissed out of his mouth.
He waited a moment then straightened up. Most of the anger had dissipated from his body, along with most of his energy. He stared at the black water. His shoulders sagged. He couldn’t peel his eyes away from the dark, churning water. It matched his mood. ‘You’ve no idea. To hear the words of the doctor telling you that he’s so sorry about your wife and your children.’ He turned to face her, to look into her blue eyes and catch the flutter of her sparkling dress in the cold breeze. His heart squeezed in his chest.
Lexi. His beautiful little butterfly. The first person he’d connected with in years. The first person he’d loved in years.
Words couldn’t begin to describe the rage he’d felt when he’d seen Jack with his hands on Lexi. He hadn’t been able to control himself. The red mist had just descended.
She was his. His. And he couldn’t bear the thought of someone hurting her.
But what right did he have to defend her, a woman who could clearly defend herself?
And more importantly, what right did he have to expose her to his failings? He couldn’t protect the woman he loved. Life had already proved that.
He couldn’t do to her what he’d done to Bonnie. Lexi was the one bright thing in his life right now. He had to let her go. He couldn’t drag her down with him.
Lexi was the equivalent of a shooting star. He wanted her to reach for the moon and be free to fly. She deserved someone who could love her wholeheartedly and give her the attention she deserved. In his eyes she was more beautiful than she could ever imagine. Just her smile was enough for him. The smile that reached straight up from her heart and made her eyes sparkle.
But her eyes weren’t sparkling right now. Tears were marring her pretty face, tears of sadness and pity—pity he didn’t deserve.
He inhaled deeply. She had to understand this wasn’t about her at all. This was all about the encompassing guilt and grief that still filled him.
‘You’ve no idea what it’s like for the doctor to ask you if you had decided on names for your children.’
It was almost as if she could read his mind. She laid the palms of her hands on his chest. He felt his chest wall move against her. She knew. Lexi felt real empathy for people. It was the reason they reacted so well to her. Right now, she knew.
She knew how desperate he felt about naming his children without Bonnie. They’d had some provisional names but hadn’t agreed on any. To name them without her—to spend the rest of his life wondering if Bonnie would have agreed with his choices—had felt like the final nail on the single oak and two white matching coffins.
‘What did you call your children?’
She’d stayed exactly where she was. Touching him. Not running away in revulsion at his actions.
‘Isla and Ross.’ All he could see right now were the three red poppies etched on the grave.
Lexi nodded slowly. ‘They are beautiful names. I’m sure that Bonnie would have loved them.’ She looked up at him. ‘I can’t believe you’ve felt like this for the last few years. I can’t believe you’ve not spoken to anyone about this. It was not your fault, Iain. It wasn’t.’ She stepped back and put some distance between them. ‘I didn’t know Bonnie but she wouldn’t have blamed you for this. She wouldn’t have wanted you to be crippled by guilt. Bonnie loved you, Iain—she loved you. She wouldn’t have wanted this for you.’ She held her arms out. ‘She couldn’t possibly.’
And there she was, holding her arms open towards him. And after all that she’d said tonight, it was like an unspoken invitation. One that he just couldn’t take.
No matter how much he wanted to.
He stepped towards her. ‘It’s late. Let me walk you home.’
They stood under the streetlight and he could see the fleeting look in her eyes. The one that realised, no matter what he’d just revealed, there was no way forward for them. There was no noise. No sound. Just a drip of tears down her face.
He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t look at her. Otherwise he might cry too. Cry over the woman he’d already lost, and the woman he was about to lose.
‘I can’t offer you anything, Lexi. I’ve got nothing to give.’
He started to walk along the river path, giving her no option but to follow him or be left standing herself in the middle of the night. His gran would have killed him over his lack of manners. But right now he couldn’t even think straight.
Her heels caught up with him and then slowed as she stopped herself from walking alongside him, deliberately leaving herself walking a few steps behind. Maybe it was better this way?
The streets of London had never seemed so long or so bleak. Every step seemed to go nowhere. All the streets looked the same. Her footsteps never wavered behind him. She didn’t try to touch him or talk to him again.
What must she think of him? A thought flashed through his mind. If she quit right now, Leo would kill him.
Lexi was doing a spectacular job at the clinic. And work was the one thing that gave her confidence in her abilities. Maybe he should quit? Maybe he should just leave to let Lexi get on with her life and meet someone new.
The pain in his stomach was so sudden it almost stopped him dead. Lexi with someone else. Was that really what he wanted? And if that was really what he wanted, why did he want to be sick here and now?
All of a sudden her door loomed in front of him. He heard her fumble for her key and slot it into the lock. He couldn’t even look at her.
She wasn’t his. He couldn’t hurt her any more. He had to get away. He caught one last whiff of her heady perfume, the one that had driven him nuts for weeks.
‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered as he walked away.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN