A hammering on the door interrupted the thought.
Too late.
Taking a deep, steadying breath, Tori opened the door, grateful at least that she’d changed out of her evening dress and into a more professional, and comfortable, pair of black trousers and sweater. She had made a work decision. And that was what this conversation needed to be about.
‘Tori. I... Can I come in?’
With a short nod, she stepped aside to let him enter. ‘But I don’t have long,’ she said, turning her back on him as she returned to her packing. ‘I want to get to the Moorside before last orders.’
For so many years, the thought of the inn had driven her away. But suddenly, it was the only place she wanted to be.
‘You’re going? Really? I thought—Is this because of the job, or because of what I said?’
‘Both, to be honest.’ She just needed to get away. Why couldn’t he understand that?
She’d rather take the pain in Uncle Henry’s eyes than the anger she expected to see in Jasper’s.
‘Look, I know I shouldn’t have blurted out what I said that way. It’s no excuse, but my father told me about the job offer at Stonebury—you running the place with Felix—and I guess I was hurt that you didn’t talk to me about it first—’
‘Why would I?’ she interrupted.
She couldn’t let him say too much, or she risked him saying all the things that could sway her, change her mind, as Tyler had tried to do.
I love you. I can’t do it without you. It’ll all be your fault if you go and leave me.
‘It was a work decision, but not one I had an obligation to discuss with you as a colleague. Especially as a colleague who will also be leaving soon.’
Jasper looked as if she’d slapped him in the face. ‘What if I wasn’t? Leaving, I mean?’
He was planning on staying? Tori shook her head. It didn’t change anything. It couldn’t change anything. The physical distance between them was only one problem. The emotional gulf was far bigger.
She hadn’t moved on from Tyler’s death, and neither of them knew how to forgive—others or themselves. How could they start a relationship there?
She had to end this, now, before her heart broke too much. ‘Then you’ll stay and be furious at your family and at me for all time, and I’m sure that will be just brilliant for all of us, but I’ll be at Stonebury helping the brother you just exposed to the world keep out of the limelight for a while.’
That stopped him. ‘That’s why you took the job? Because you wanted to help Felix?’
‘I took the job because I wanted the job. Because I deserved the job.’
‘And you didn’t care how I felt about it.’ Jasper’s expression hardened.
Of course she cared. But she couldn’t let him see how much. ‘Jasper, we’ve slept together twice. Three times if you count five years ago. It’s hardly a lasting relationship. You can’t expect me to make decisions about my career and my future based on it.’ Not the way Tyler had. Expecting her to give up all her hopes for her future, her ambition, for a teenage relationship she couldn’t even be sure would last. Now Jasper was asking her to do the same, but it was different this time.
She hadn’t made Jasper any promises. Hadn’t told him she loved him. And Jasper...he was stronger than Tyler had been. He’d be fine without her.
It was her own heart she was worried about.
‘Maybe not,’ he admitted. ‘But as a friend I would expect you to talk to me before running away.’
‘Like you did to Felix five years ago?’ she shot back.
Jasper swore under his breath, raking his hands through his hair as he visibly tried to calm himself. That was no good. She didn’t want him calm. She wanted him gone, so she could run far away and let her heart break in peace.
He wasn’t offering her for ever. He was offering her exactly what Tyler had—a possibility of love as long as she did what he wanted. And she wasn’t going to take that risk.
Still, when Jasper spoke again, his voice was softer, calmer. ‘Look, Tori, I should have told you I was planning on staying at Flaxstone. I meant to, tonight. And I’m going to work on my relationship with my family, really I am.’
‘But will you ever forgive them? Would you ever forgive me, if I went to Stonebury with Felix?’ Because that was what it all came down to. Forgiveness. She couldn’t forgive Tyler for what he’d done, and she couldn’t forgive herself for letting him. And Jasper couldn’t forgive the lies and betrayal that had driven him away from his home in the first place.
How could they start any kind of a relationship when they were both so filled with resentment? Maybe they weren’t good people like Lady Flaxstone. Maybe they weren’t meant to forgive.
But that just meant that one day they’d do something to each other that couldn’t be forgiven either. Far better to cut this off now and avoid that pain later.
‘I’m... I’m trying, Tori. I... I said I love you. Isn’t that enough? Enough for you to stay and work this out with me?’
‘You love me?’ She shook her head. ‘Jasper, you don’t even know me. If you did, you’d know that love isn’t ever enough. Love just forces us down roads we don’t want to walk, and makes us feel guilty for wanting the things we want. I’ve been here before, and I know how this ends. I’ve had enough of love, thanks.’
With that, she turned away and walked into her bedroom to finish packing. And tried to pretend that her heart wasn’t breaking. Because for once, just once, she wished that love really could be enough.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
‘YOU REALISE THIS isn’t at all healthy, right?’ Felix’s voice cut through the quiet of the snowy countryside three days later, and Jasper looked up suddenly from his seat on the bench outside Tori’s cottage.
‘I’m enjoying the miracle of a white Christmas in Britain. Besides, it’s quiet here,’ he said defensively. ‘There’s a seat, no one bothers me, and it’s not like Tori’s here to object.’ He had a lot of thinking to do, and he found he thought best somewhere he couldn’t hear his father’s voice.
Although at least the earl’s jolly tones drowned out the sound of Tori tearing down everything he’d hoped for, playing on a loop inside his head. But Jasper couldn’t shake the feeling that he deserved to hear it. That if he replayed that moment e
nough, he’d find the key to fixing it. Something she’d said, something he’d missed.
So far, however, he was mostly just depressing himself.
‘Tori not being here is exactly why it’s getting kind of creepy, you sitting outside her empty cottage every day.’
‘Not every day,’ Jasper lied. Felix raised his eyebrows at him, and he sighed. ‘Fine. Every day. I just... I can’t think straight up at the hall.’
‘I know the feeling.’
Jasper winced as Felix brushed the snow off the bench and sat down beside him. Jasper just had to contend with his father’s pointed comments about his loyal deputy’s absence. Felix had to cope with the media on the phone, the Internet covering every aspect of his life so far, and all sorts of acquaintances he barely knew popping out of the woodwork to get in his good graces, now he was set to inherit a significant portion of the Flaxstone estate and bank accounts.
‘Did I mention I’m sorry for outing you at the party?’
‘Yes,’ Felix said. ‘Many times. But do feel free to mention it again. You can throw in a bonus apology for running away five years ago too, if you like.’
‘Sorry,’ Jasper said again. He seemed to be saying it a lot. But he also seemed to be rebuilding bridges he’d thought were damaged beyond repair. Maybe he and Felix wouldn’t ever be best friends the way they had been once, but perhaps instead they’d be something more.
Brothers, even.
It was weird, in a way, to go from the man who couldn’t forgive the lies he’d been told, to the one who needed to ask for forgiveness. But maybe that was the lesson he’d been meant to learn all along: that forgiving and asking forgiveness were two sides of the same coin, and everyone needed to do both from time to time.
He wished he could ask Tori for forgiveness, even if he wasn’t entirely sure what he’d done wrong. Wished he could forgive her for leaving, but he wasn’t there yet, however much he was learning.