Still, the atmosphere at the dinner table was the most relaxed it had been since I came home. Everyone seemed happy, optimistic, and genuinely pleased to be together. Which was absolutely unprecedented.
Despite some clever manoeuvring on the part of the female members of my family, Edward had managed to score a seat at the far end of the table, as far away from me as possible. From the seat beside him, Mum shrugged a very obvious apology my way, and I had to remind myself that these people were on my side.
Isabelle had, for the first time, taken the seat at the head of the table, and as we all polished off our venison sausage casserole, spitting out the juniper berries, she got to her feet, champagne flute in hand.
“I’d like to make a toast,” she said, as we all quietened down around the table. “This has been, in many ways, an astonishing summer. We’ve celebrated, and we’ve mourned. We’ve lost, but we’ve also gained. For while Nathaniel has gone, he has brought Saskia back to us, and even brought Edward fully into our little family.”
There were tears in her voice, but we all pretended not to hear them. “So, whatever the past might have held, the toast I would like to make is to the future. To all the wonderful things still to come. When the clock strikes midnight, our celebration of Nathaniel’s life will be over, but I know we’ll all keep celebrating in our hearts. And I know he would want us to move on – to live the most wonderful lives we can imagine. So, to the future!”
As I raised my glass and murmured “the future,” I realised that Edward was, finally, looking straight at me.
By the time we’d all polished off our apple crumble and sampled Dad’s Polish dessert wine, it was almost eleven o’clock. With groaning stomachs we retired to the sitting room for more digestifs and, in Therese’s case, her ‘only on special occasions’ cigar, smoked sitting beside the open window, with Isabelle coughing meaningfully every few minutes.
Ellie and Mum, however, were much more concerned with looking meaningfully at me, then glancing over at Edward. Who was, luckily for him, happily engrossed in a conversation with Caroline that appeared to be about children raised by wild animals.
That, I figured, was probably something that could wait until the next day. And, really, wasn’t it more important that I speak to Edward before Mum strained an eye muscle?
“Can I borrow you for a second?” I asked, perching myself on the arm on the sofa Edward and Caro were sitting on. Caroline rolled her eyes when Edward looked to her for permission, so he nodded and followed me out.
The collective sighs of relief from my family were audible from outside the door.
On an impulse, I led Edward through the kitchen to the utility room, where I grabbed a soft pink jacket that I assumed belonged to Ellie, and handed him his own black coat.
“We’re going outside?” he asked, eyebrows raised.
I shrugged. “We talk better there.”
The Rose Garden was in pitch blackness, except for thin slivers of light breaking over the wall from the windows of the house. Wrapping my borrowed coat around my body, more for comfort than for warmth, I settled myself down on our usual bench, then waited for Edward to follow my lead.
“It’s getting darker so much earlier already,” he said, still standing. “And chillier.”
“Well, the faster you sit down, the faster we can sort this out and get back inside. We absolutely have to be back for the midnight countdown.”
Edward sat down. “They do know it isn’t actually New Year’s Eve, right?”
“It is for us,” I said with a shrug. More than that, it was a brand new start. A new year with no secrets in it. “First of September, that’s always felt more like a new year than January did. And this year, we’re all starting over, beginning tomorrow.”
“Really? And what exactly does that mean?”
Taking a deep breath, I tried to plunge into what I needed to say. This was the only part that no one else had been able to help me plan. It was all on me, now.
“I spoke with Isabelle, and Therese. About Matthew’s death.”
“And? Let me guess. You don’t want to write the memoirs. Or you don’t want to include it, if you do.”
I shook my head. “No. I want to write the memoirs, and we can include all the details that Nathaniel knew.”
Edward raised an eyebrow. “That sounds like a clever way of rewriting history.”
“No. It’s not.” I sighed. “Look, I promise I will tell you the whole story, every single detail, before we write it. But I need you to trust me that the truth is…no one knows for sure what happened that night. The chances are, it really was an accident. And I know for a fact that Nathaniel was inside the house when it happened, and saw nothing. If he were writing this book, that’s all he’d be able to say.”
“The truth? Really?”
“I swear to you. No stories, just facts.” I gave him a half smile. “And a healthy dose of my grandfather’s imagination, as usual.”
Edward sighed. “Okay. I’ll need to know more, but for now, okay. We’ll go ahead with the project. Was that everything you wanted?”
“Not even close.”
“Oh?” Edward settled back down on to the bench, his arms crossed over his chest. “Go on, then.”
“I spoke with Ellie this afternoon,” I began, still thinking the words through in my head as I spoke. “For hours, actually. We sorted a lot of things out.”
“I’m glad.” Edward’s voice was neutral, non-committal, and I wondered if I was ever going to be able to swing him back round to the passion we’d had just a few days before.
“I told her a lot of what you said.” I smiled ruefully. “She agreed with most of it.” I looked up for a reaction from Edward, but his face was still and calm. “We talked a lot about what I want to do in the next year. Who I want to be.”
“Another character?” Edward asked, glancing away.
“No.” My voice was firm as I reached out and took his hand, even if my fingers were shaking. “I’m going to be me again.”
Edward glanced up and raised an eyebrow. “And what is ‘you again’ going to do with your next twelve months?”
“Well, first I need to get back to Perth…” I started, and Edward pulled his hand away. I grabbed it back. “Because I need to give notice on my flat and tidy up some stuff at my job and pack up all my belongings and say goodbye to my friends. That sort of thing.” He didn’t look at me, but he didn’t pull away either, so I carried on.
“I spoke with Isabelle, and she’s happy for the two of us to stay here while we work on the memoirs. Ellie and Greg are, I suspect, going to be moving out soon – but don’t tell her I said that. I think Isabelle would like having someone else around.”
“Someone other than Therese.” Edward gave me a small smile, which I guessed meant he’d caught the hint about the memoirs.
“God yes. I mean, they’re getting on okay now, but that’s just today… Anyway, I think it will be a big help having them both around to help identify people and places in the notes, and put things in the right order. Especially now neither of them are hiding anything, any more.”
“When there are so many secrets, so many lies, it’s hard to believe the truth even when it’s right in front of you,” Edward said, and I knew he wasn’t just talking about Nathaniel.
“That’s why I need to tell you some truths now,” I said. “So that we can start over tomorrow without the secrets and the lies between us.”
“What truths?”
I took a breath. “You were right, when you said I twisted the facts to tell my own story. To make things easier for me to forgive myself. But I’m facing the truth now. I know that Greg never loved me – and that I didn’t love him either, whatever I thought at the time. I know that my family aren’t perfect, any of them, but they all love me every bit as much as I love them. I know that Ellie is a better person than I’ll ever be, but I’m willing to try. And I know that I’m in love with you.”
“You’re in love with me?”
I guess I couldn’t blame him for sounding surprised. “I didn’t mean to! I just…fell in love with you. Totally by accident.”
“Well, I’d have hated for you to do it on purpose.” Edward reached out and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “After all, it was entirely accidental on my part, too.” Which wasn’t quite an admission of love and devotion, really, I supposed, but from Edward it was quite good. I let the warm glow flood my face and leant into his shoulder.
I shrugged. “You’re the one who told me to start being honest.”
“That I did.” He pulled me closer again. “I guess I’ll have to live with the consequences.”