Ellie looked up and caught my eye for the first time since I’d come home. “I hope so,” she said very quietly.
Her eyes were huge under her tidy blonde fringe, I realised. Huge and sad. As if just being near me was painful to her.
Maybe I didn’t need to search for answers. Maybe that pain was all the answer I needed.
But it was a reaction, at last, even if not one I wanted. At least I knew she felt something about me being there. She hadn’t cut me out of her life – out of her heart – completely. I wasn’t sure I should feel so relieved to cause my sister to suffer.
My thoughts and words started to run together. “I mean, you and Greg, you’ve already made it two years, that’s more than lots of couples make it, isn’t it? So, really, you should…”
“Stop it.” Ellie’s voice was quiet, but when she looked up, her eyes were blazing. “Just…stop it, Kia.”
“I just meant—” I tried to explain, but Ellie cut me off.
“No. You don’t get to comment on my marriage. You don’t even get to have an opinion on my relationship with my husband.” Every word was louder than the last, ringing out around the Orangery, battering their way into my head. I froze, hands still wrapped around a stupid cardboard handbag. This wasn’t the Ellie I remembered at all. Had I done this to her? Awakened this anger? “Whatever you might have thought two years ago, there is no place for you in my marriage, or with my husband. You’re not friends, you’re not confidants, you’re nothing. Do you understand that?”
“Of course I do,” I whispered. “I know that. And I wouldn’t—”
“Don’t tell me what you wouldn’t,” Ellie said, bitterness seeping through her voice. “You already did. Remember?”
Shocked silence fell between us. Of course I remembered. Even if I’d spent two years trying to forget.
“I’m sorry,” I said, for what had to be the thousandth time. More, if you counted the letters she’d never read. “I…I’m not back here to see Greg. Or to cause any trouble. I know I did an unforgivable thing; I get that. I just…”
“Want to be forgiven,” Ellie finished for me, her voice hard.
“You forgave Greg.” I didn’t mean to whine, didn’t mean to imply that she was being unfair or that I deserved the same. But the words came out all the same. And as I said it, I realised I wanted to know why. Why did he get to stay here, to be part of my family, to live the life he’d always wanted, while I was exiled to Perth to do penance?
“Greg told me the truth,” Ellie said. “After…it happened. He came to me, practically on his knees, and told me the truth. He told me he couldn’t marry me, because he didn’t deserve me. Did you know that?” I shook my head. I’d been too preoccupied with my own fate to wonder exactly what happened between Ellie and Greg. “He was ready to walk out, leave his home and his family and his job, his life, because of what you two did.”
“And yet he’s still here.”
“Because I chose to forgive him.” Ellie leant across the table between us, hammering her point home. “I chose to go through with the wedding, even knowing that he’d slept with my sister just two days before, because I loved him. I still love him. I knew he truly regretted what he’d done, and I knew that together, we’d be able to move past it.” She leant back, her gaze fixed on mine. “It’s taken a lot of work, a lot of talking, a lot of love, but we have. We’ve moved on, and our marriage is stronger than ever.”
“I’m glad,” I said, softly. “I’m so glad that you’re happy together.”
“We are.” Ellie gave a firm nod. “And we will be when you leave again.”
And that, I supposed, was my answer. As far as Ellie was concerned, there was no place for me at Rosewood.
“Who else knows?” I asked, looking down at my hands. “When…two years ago, you said you didn’t want anyone to know.”
“I was ashamed.” Ellie gave a short, sharp laugh. The sort that isn’t funny at all. “Me. I was ashamed of what you two did.”
“You shouldn’t have been. I should. I am.”
“I know I shouldn’t have been,” Ellie replied sharply. “And when I realised that…I was able to talk about it, a little.”
“Who did you tell?” I asked, desperation leaking out in my voice. I needed to know who already knew my secrets, and who didn’t. Who I needed to explain myself to, who I needed to convince I wasn’t here to cause trouble. Mum and Dad had both said they didn’t know, and I suspected that was more because Ellie had wanted to spare them rather than because of me. But what about everyone else?
Did Nathaniel know?
Ellie gave me a long, assessing look. Then she shook her head. “No. It doesn’t matter. It was my secret to tell too.”
“I know that. I just…I need to know. Please?” I was begging now, and I didn’t even care.
But Ellie stayed firm. Standing, she looked down at me, and said, “I’m done talking about this now.”
“No, wait!” I grabbed for her wrist and tried to hold her back. “I need to know.”
“I said I’m done.” Ellie shook me free on the last word, and I grabbed for her again.
“Saskia.” Edward’s voice wasn’t loud, exactly, but still commanding, and it made me jump, releasing Ellie as I did so. How long had he been standing in the doorway behind me? Had Ellie known he was there?
I sprung to my feet and turned to face him. “What? Did you need me for something?” I asked, unsure of what I wanted the answer to be. Part of me wanted to stay, finish the confrontation with Ellie properly. But a larger part of me was grasping for any excuse to leave, to get away from this awful, painful conversation. Even if I still didn’t know what I’d come in there for.
Edward nodded, and motioned for me to follow him, back through the hallway into the main house. I glanced back at Ellie, but she had already turned away, and was disappearing through the patio doors into the garden. The conversation was over.
Edward didn’t speak again until we were safely ensconced in the dining room, the door firmly shut behind us. He motioned for me to take a seat, and I glanced around at the huge table plan propped up against the dining table, and the stacks of golden cloth napkins and ready-shined silverware, before picking my way through to a spare dining chair. Edward, meanwhile, paced in front of me like an angry headmaster.
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Then he stopped, and looked down at me. “This isn’t my place, Saskia,” he said, his voice still soft. “I know that. I’m not family, I wasn’t here two years ago, and I don’t really know anything about you, apart from what Ellie has told me.” Which was surely damning enough. “But I want you to listen to me anyway, please.”
He took a deep breath, then let it out. Shaking his head slightly, he crouched down beside me, looking up into my eyes. “Don’t try and do this now, Saskia. She’s stressed out about the party tomorrow, and it’s hard enough for her that you’re here at all. She’s trying not to be paranoid, but it’s hard, especially when she’s run ragged organising things for Isabelle.”
All of which I knew, and I wanted to talk to her anyway. I slumped against the hard chair back, gripping on to the wooden arms. “I just want to make up with her. I want to apologise, as long and as hard as necessary, until she forgives me. I want everything to go back to how it was.” And I wanted her to tell me who she’d spilled my secrets to.
Edward gave me a sad smile. “You know that’s never going to happen; it’s never going to be how it was.”
I just didn’t want to admit it. “Doesn’t mean I can’t try.”
Sighing, Edward got to his feet and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Look at it this way,” he said, squinting in the sunlight streaming through the large windows. “You know what you want, and you’re going out of your way to get it, with very little success. Maybe it’s time to think about what Ellie wants for a change.”
The words hit me in the middle of my chest. “That’s a very polite way to call me a selfish bitch.”
He didn’t apologise, which I respected. “All I’m saying is, let’s get through the party first.”
“Then I’ll be on a train back to Perth and Ellie won’t have to see me again for another two years.” Because I was under no illusion that I’d be welcomed back any sooner, and just knowing that made my heart hurt.