As if he could go back to being her pseudo-big brother now. Back to pretending there was nothing between them. He’d had a taste of her now, a preview of everything they could be together.
Except she was heading back to London on the second of January, and hadn’t so much as hinted that their relationship might last beyond tonight. Instead, she’d pretty much confirmed the opposite.
He’d thought it wouldn’t matter and that if this was his last Mackenzie Christmas, at least it could be the best yet. One he’d remember his whole life.
Well, he’d managed that much. No way was he forgetting this one in a hurry.
But he’d thought he’d be able to move on, live his life without looking back. And that, he knew now, was impossible.
That damn fortune telling fish was right. He was in love with Molly Mackenzie, and he hadn’t even realised it until the moment she said that sleeping with him was a mistake.
God, how much more could he have screwed this one up?
“Jake?” The door creaked open behind him and Molly stood there, fully clothed now in tights and, presumably, underwear. “What are you doing out here?” She stepped out and sat down beside him, wincing at the cold stone.
“Thinking.”
“About?”
“What happens next.”
Wrapping her arms around her knees, Molly looked up at him, her eyes wide and green even in the faint light from the hall. “And what have you decided?”
Wasn’t that the ultimate question? Except, it wasn’t entirely up to him, was it?
But some of it could be. He could take charge of his own life, even if he had no say in hers. He could stop waiting to be kicked out, to finally outstay his welcome. Instead of always waiting for the other shoe to drop, he could move on, like everyone else had.
“I think it’s time for me to go home.” The words felt good, right. Just making a decision felt like a step forward.
“You’re supposed to be staying until New Year,” Molly said, her voice even. “Mum will be sad if you miss the party.”
“I’ll come back for the party.” One last hurrah before he made his own resolutions for the next year.
“And we still haven’t really talked. About us.” Was that fear in her eyes? Or just confusion? Jake couldn’t tell.
“I think we’ve said all we need to, don’t you? You got what you wanted – your one night to complete your list of resolutions. And you said all along that that should be enough to get it out of our systems, right?” He just hadn’t believed her. Had known that if he gave in to that temptation, one night would never be enough – and he’d fooled himself into thinking it would be the same for her.
“Dory’s not going to say anything,” Molly said, the words coming out a little rushed. “I mean, you don’t need to worry about Tim, or Dad, or anything. No one will know. It can just be like it was before. Right?”
Did she honestly believe that? Or was she just trying to make herself feel better? Jake couldn’t tell. But if she was feeling bad about everything, then she had to know that his expectations were rather different from hers.
After days of not managing a full conversation, it was finally time to put everything on the table.
“Look, Molly. This is the situation as I see it.” Laying out the blueprints for what might have been, he wanted to show her that what they’d actually created missed the mark. “After last year, I knew that I wanted you. That I was attracted to you. But I also knew I couldn’t do anything about it. If you didn’t feel the same – or even if you did, but things didn’t last – I’d be risking not just upsetting your whole family, but losing my place here. Your family matter to me, Molly.”
“I know that.” She pulled a face, then looked down at her knees, twisting the fabric of her dress between her fingers. “That’s why I couldn’t figure out what had changed. Why you were suddenly willing to risk it.”
Jake sighed. It had all seemed so logical at the time. Now he felt like he’d twisted every fact and possibility to fit what he wanted – Molly Mackenzie naked.
“I figured that this was the last Christmas we were all likely to be together like this. With Tim moving overseas, Dory and Lucas getting married… things are changing. And there won’t be a place here for me any more.”
Her body tensed beside him. “And so you thought that if you seduced me, maybe even pretended to love me, you’d always have a place in my family, right?”
“What? No!”
“It’s okay, Jake.” She huffed a small, sad laugh. “I always knew they mattered to you more than I did.”
“You’ve got this all wrong, Molly.” Panic was rising in his chest now, more potent than mulled wine and heavier than mince pies. “And anyway, how the hell can you say I seduced you?” That wasn’t the point. He needed to focus. “Look, I didn’t even realise it, even after the thing with the fish—”
“The fish?” Molly stared at him in confusion. “Jake, seriously, stop. It’s okay. I’m going back to London soon anyway. Like you said, I got what I wanted from this. And Dory won’t talk, so you get what you need too. We don’t have to be together, or anything. I’ll still be coming home every Christmas, so of course there’s a place for you here. You’re family.”
“No.” The word came out stronger and louder than Jake had intended, and Molly flinched away from him. But he had to say this. He had to make her understand. “I’m not family. I’m definitely not your brother. And I won’t come back here every year and watch you getting on with your life without me, Molly. I can’t sit back and see you find some guy down there and bringing him home to meet the family. I thought I could. I thought I could let you go live your life and just watch from the sidelines. But I can’t because I’m in love with you.”
-
Don’t gape, Molly. It’s rude.
Okay, she really didn’t need her mother’s voice in her head at a time like this. She didn’t know what she needed, but it wasn’t etiquette advice.
“No you’re not.” She winced as soon as the words were out. Challenging someone else’s feelings wasn’t terribly polite either. But, really, he wasn’t. He couldn’t be.
Could he?
“Trust me, Molly, my life would be a hell of a lot easier if it wasn’t true.” Jake sighed, sounding bone weary. “Look, it’s okay. I’ll get over it. You have your dream life now. I know that, and I’m not going to stand in your way of getting back to it.”
Her dream life. London. Molly wasn’t sure whether to laugh at herself or cry when she remembered the original plan. Sleep with Jake and get it out of her system, so that she could go forth and seduce the handsome young men of London next year.
As if any of them held a candle to Jake.
But love? That was something different altogether. That was the kind of thing you really didn’t want to screw up, or flake out on. Especially when it meant risking hurting one of the most important people in your life.
And Jake had always been that, long before last New Year’s Eve.
“I don’t know what to say. Or do. Or…” She took a deep breath. “What do you want from me?”
“From you? Nothing at all.”
“But I…” What? Want to make it better? Like a child’s bumped knee or a middle school fallout that could be resolved with a muttered sorry and a new game?
&
nbsp; Jake inhaled, low and calmly, then got to his feet. “I’m going to go home for a few days, like I said. I’ll be back on New Year’s Eve and, after that, you won’t have to see me again if you don’t want to.”
“Of course I want to! I just…”
“Yeah. Exactly.” Bending down, he kissed her on the top of the head. “Get some sleep. I’ll see you on the thirty first.”
He headed inside, and Molly listened to his footsteps all the way up the stairs, until they faded as he got towards the attic. But she sat there in the cold until she couldn’t feel anything any more.
Chapter 17
NEW YEAR’S EVE
“I can’t believe you have to work New Year’s Eve.” Molly straightened the registration forms for loyalty cards on the hotel’s front desk. “You’ll miss the party.”
“You mean I won’t be there to protect you from Jake,” Lara said, rolling her eyes. “Besides, you’ve worked more New Year’s than I have in the last five years. In fact, if you’d been working last year you wouldn’t even be in this mess.”
“Very helpful. Thank you.”
“Be honest, you miss it.” Lara leant across the reception desk. “Don’t you?”
Molly considered. “More than I thought I would,” she admitted. “It’s not that I don’t like my new job. It’s just that, well, every day is kind of the same.”
“Sounds boring,” Lara said. “Unlike your love life. So, come on. Have you decided what you’re going to tell your poor lovelorn Jake?”
“He’s not lovelorn. Or mine. Or anything, really. If he shows up at the party tonight he’ll probably just blame it all on the mulled wine and go back to ignoring me for the next year. Nothing to worry about.”
Lara gave Molly a long look, one that seemed to see too deeply inside her. “Is that what you’re hoping for, or what you’re afraid of?”
Damn it. Lara really had known her too long and too well. “Both.”
“Thought so.” Lara sighed. “Sorry I can’t be there with you.”