“Still fucked… At least I had some reading materials,” I say, gesturing to her studio. “I now know 1001 tricks to try in bed, how to be a boss bitch plus a few unhealthy ways to lose ten pounds in a week. Every day’s a school day.”
“Ah, you found my secret stash of trash mags, huh? Guilty.” She brightens up. “Look, I need some way to unwind after this hectic single girl lifestyle I lead.”
“Yeah, I bet.”
She smiles at me and I smile back. Her mood seems different than it was yesterday. Comfortable… Happier… But still just a little nervous.
And I feel something familiar welling up inside of me again.
Desire.
This girl has an effect on me.
I follow her back inside and I watch her gather a few things from around the studio while Babeen squeezes his way between her legs.
“So, how was your day aside from dragging my scrap metal out of a ditch?”
“Weird. But…I have a surprise for you.”
“I’m not sure my legs are ready for another one of your surprises,” I laugh, still sore from our hike.
“Don’t worry, we’re not going far.”
I extend my hand and she takes it. We exit out the ranch slider into the clearing of her back yard that looks out at a vast expanse of ocean-side cliffs and tundra.
We breach a dense bush-line, curve around some big rocks until we are standing on an overhanging cliff. She pulls a big towel out of her backpack and lays it down on the dirt, laying out a small picnic as I watch.
“If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were trying to keep me here Lucy,” I say, sitting down next to her, my knees aching.
“I’m just trying to help,” she replies.
“I do have to head off tomorrow. I’ve got to get my bike fixed, find my wallet, and figure out what the next step is for me. I can’t do that here… I’ve already overstayed my welcome.”
“You’re no burden,” she says.
“Yet.”
“Never. Honestly, stay as long as you need. I enjoy your company.”
“Lucy, I don’t wanna offend you in saying this. Why, goddammit, why do you want to keep me here so badly?”
“I don’t.” She’s quick to answer. “I just want to make sure you’re fit enough to leave. What if you go back to Jethrow and realize it was a mistake? You’ll be alone.”
“I want you to come with me.”
“What?” she asks, choking on a bite of her sandwich.
“Help me get my bike back to Jethrow. I’m remembering things. Names, faces. I know my club is back there and I know I can fix whatever the hell happened. I’ve got money there… I can pay you back for what you’ve done here.”
“Landon, you know I’d do anything for you it’s just… I can’t go to Jethrow… I mean…” She cuts herself off and her eyes widen. I stare at her for a moment. She’s do anything for me? What in the hell was going on with this girl?
“What about Mia?” she says, derailing my whole chain of thought.
“I might have hit my head, but I do know one thing. I’m not with Mia. I don’t think I’ve ever been with her.”
I pause as Lucy looks me over, her eyes clearly looking for some evidence that I might be lying to her… Thing is, I meant every damn word I just said. Body, heart, and soul.
“I need to tell you something,” she says matter of factly, breaking her silence. “Because you’re leaving and it’s one of the last chances I’m going to get to tell you…”
Chapter 12
I tense up. The secret was right there on the tip of my tongue. I just had to breathe and the truth would be out there. I was going to tell Landon I knew him — know him — and pray he wouldn’t run. But I don’t do it. I can’t.
What’s the point?
What’s the point of any of this? Why am I trying to keep alive something we buried six years ago?
I walk to the edge of the cliff. My stomach lurches when my foot slips gently in some loose soil. I regain my footing and stare down to the crashing waves thirty feet below me. Who would miss me if I fell? And by me, I don’t mean Lucy Rivers, the bullshit artisté. I mean Lucienne Rose Palermo, the real me, the girl I used to be. Landon wouldn’t. To him, I’m a crazy girl too keen on nursing a convict. Todd wouldn’t either. He’d say I’m manipulative… That I’m just a girl who led him on and gave nothing back. And Billie… Well, I’m not who she thinks I am anyway. Let her miss Lucy Rivers. Maybe Babeen would miss me, if only for a few weeks until he realizes the other neighbors would put food out for him too.
“Lucy?”
Landon’s memory might never return. I kick some stones and watch as they splash into the ocean making so sound at all.
“Careful there, sweetheart.”
Landon’s memory might never return and I’ll be left alone with the secret; Left to bear the heavy load, left to be the only one questioned by cops should they reopen the case— Lonely Little Lucy.
“Why did you come here?” I say to the old Landon, though I know he isn’t here anymore.
“I still don’t remember, Lucy. When I do, you’ll be one of the first to know.”
“Why here?” I insist to this familiar voice behind me, pretending it’s the dead talking. “Why Baddock National Fucking Park? This isn’t even the quickest way between places.”
“Maybe I wanted to take the scenic route.”
He’s laughing this off. I kick a bigger stone into the water this time and take another step closer to the cliff’s breach, teasing myself.
“What if you came here for something important? What if you never remember?”
“Lucy, calm down. Please step back from there.”
“What if?”
“I don’t know… Lucy, please come sit back down. I ain’t jumpin’ in after you this time. That water’s a little rough for me.”
I look at Landon, full of unjustified rage.
I want him to remember me! I need him to! I need him to remember what we share, our past, our love for each other, what we gave up or I’ll lose my mind or throw myself off the side of this goddamned cliff.
I see red.
“Lucy.”
My eyes tunnel into feeling an anger towards him I’ve never known. My neck tightens, jaw clenched so hard it might fracture.
“Why won’t you remember?!”
He stands up and rests his hands on my shoulders. I slap them away. “You’ve got fucking head trauma you fucking idiot! Go to a fucking hospital! You may be ruining your life!”
“W—Where is this coming…I’m going to be ok, Lucy! I can’t go to the hospital… I know I can’t…”
“Why the hell not? Would you go to jail? What did you do, Landon?!”
“I don’t fucking remember, okay!”
“You’re an idiot!”
“You’re insane!”
And without warning, I land a sharp slap across his cheek. He huffs like an upset bull. I’d never think to harm him like that, ever. I reach out to ease the pain but he takes hold of my wrist.
“The fuck is wrong with you?” he says. I realize the madness of this all to him— The madness that an almost stranger just hit him across the face.
“You,” I say, exasperated. “You!”
“You don’t know me!” The word strikes me like an emotional bullet— Sharp, shocking, cold and quick. It makes real what I’d hoped wasn’t true: Landon thinks I’m certified insane. I’ve failed to suppress my feelings for him.
“Why can’t you remember?” I whimper.
Landon stares at me a minute, his expression too soft to suggest complete anger and disgust. We stand in silence until he turns and makes his way back down the trail to my house. I curl over, falling to the ground to finally let out the screams and crying into the towels below me.