I turned away, but she pushed the issue.
“Find a way! Reach out to him! You know that he wants that!”
“Would you listen to yourself?” I asked her bitterly. “What kind of person would I be if I asked him to set aside his dreams for me? I can’t do that to him.”
“What was it again that he asked you to do, right before you went all psycho on him?”
“I didn’t go psycho.”
“Clara, I know you. If he hasn’t tried to reach out to you at all, then you totally went psycho. Anyway, answer the question.”
I ignored her insult. “He said to let him make his own decisions.”
“And you didn’t. You made it for him.”
“He would have made the wrong one.”
“You know that for sure?”
I crossed my arms. “Yes.”
“And why’s that?”
I tried to turn away again.
“Answer me, Clara!”
I stood up and finally let loose.
“Because they’re both the wrong fucking decision! No matter how you look at it, either choice is wrong! Either I make him go and uncomplicate both of our lives… struggle to get over him… not daring to think what life would be like if we were together…”
“Or what?” She demanded.
Defeat filled my veins when I looked at her.
“Or… we get together, living some twisted double life around our parents and grandparents, unable to be really together without them judging or disowning us… until he inevitably resents choosing this life over traveling around the world.”
We were silent for a while. The sitcom had come back on in the meantime, and the laugh track occasionally clashed with the atmosphere.
“You can’t just let this go without trying,” Natalie pleaded quietly.
I didn’t have a response for that.
“Listen to me, Clara,” she continued. “So there are some kinks. It’s not easy. I get that.”
I bitterly shook my head, and she ignored my response to get out her point.
“Yeah. It’s a total mess and it sucks that the two of you are stuck in this unfair clusterfuck. But you can’t just let this thing slip out between your fingers without a fight. You know he makes you happy, and it sounds like you make him happy too. Just talk to him. Who knows what’s going on with him? If he’s dropped off the face of the earth, he’s obviously in a dark place. Maybe he needs you.”
“I can’t,” I pleaded.
“Clara, talk to him,” she insisted gravely.
I slumped down into my sofa next to her, and my frustration broke down into sobs. Natalie held me close while I cried it out, and when I lifted my face she had a tissue ready.
“Don’t think for a moment that I don’t want to,” I replied, gratefully taking it from her hand. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe he needs me right now. But this is short-term pain for long-term gain. He’s got a life, Nat, and he’s got dreams. Oh, if you’d seen the look in his eyes when he was telling me about them. I can’t take that away from him.”
“Even if he goes,” she whispered, “if you two haven’t made up, what makes you think he’ll be happy? What if his feet take him across the world, fueled from a place of anger and despair?”
“Then that’s his choice,” I answered.
“No, it’s not. That’ll be what you did to him.”
We sat in silence for the next episode, but the night was gone. That’s why I didn’t try to stop her when she picked up her purse and kicked her heels back on.
“Just think about it,” Natalie told me when she kissed my cheek goodbye. “You might be making a huge mistake here.”
“It’s a mistake either way,” I shrugged.
After a solemn look in my eyes, she was gone out the door, just like Dalton.
For the second time in about a week, I had driven someone away from the apartment – leaving me alone with miserable thoughts.
You will probably not be surprised to hear that solitude plus an abyss of depressing thoughts is not exactly a fantastic combination.
For the rest of the day I sat there on that couch, letting the TV mindlessly play in front of me. Maybe Natalie’s right, I found myself thinking. She hasn’t really steered me wrong yet…
But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.
I knew what Dalton would say if we talked about it. He’d convince me that we could make it work. He’d find a way to talk me down, back into his arms, just shelving the problem for now.
No, I thought to myself.
I have to be strong for him… for both of us.
A slight rumbling pulled my attention away. I glanced over at my phone to see a number I didn’t recognize. Nope, not the time, I thought to myself.
Instead, I tried to embroil myself into the television. I was actually starting to chuckle at a few of the jokes when the phone rang again.
Same number. I ignored it again.
Not two minutes later, it rang again, and then again. I was starting to get frustrated now, but the caller wasn’t letting my voicemail pick up.
It was on the fifth call that I bitterly snatched the phone up, paused Netflix, and answered.
“You’ve got the wrong number!”
“Oh, I think I have the right number…”
My breath caught in my throat.
“…Jeremy?”
“Yeah, it’s me,” my ex-boyfriend smoothly whispered down the line. “I switched phones a few weeks back. Glad to see that your number still works, because it didn’t before…”
“I blocked you,” I angrily told him. “Just like I’m going to in just a moment.”
“Before you do that, I wanted to talk to you about something,” Jeremy coolly stated. “Can you give me just, like, five minutes of your time? For old time’s sake?”
Right then and there, I knew that I should hang up. But I was weak and upset, and something inside me seized up.
“Look, what do you want?”
Jeremy paused. “Clara, you sound upset.”
“Yeah, well, it’s been a rough couple of days,” I bitterly mentioned. “So just go ahead and tell me whatever you want to tell me. Not five minutes. You’re getting two. Clock’s ticking.”
“No, that’s not important right now,” Jeremy replied, sounding almost concerned. “What’s much more important to me is that you’re okay. Are you okay? You sound like you’re about to cry.”
“Just leave me the fuck alone,” I growled.
“Look, I know we didn’t exactly end… on a good note, bu
t I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am,” Jeremy murmured. “And we don’t ever have to speak again… if that’s what you really want. But I’ve changed, Clara. I was such a fool to let you go…”
Is this SERIOUSLY happening right now?
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I half-chuckled. “After all this time, you choose now to apologize for that shit? You seriously hurt me, Jeremy. I didn’t think I’d ever get over what you did to me. I’m only just becoming okay with it now… or, I thought I was.”
“I know,” he replied. “I was a serious asshole. I deserved you dumping me. That’s exactly what it took for me to see the truth…”
Oh, no. Don’t you DARE.
“…That I love you, and I’m just lesser without you. You make me complete, Clara. You always did.”
“We are not having this conversation right now,” I told him furiously, feeling something inside start to crack. It cracked so quickly that it even broke my voice. “Just leave me alone. I’ve moved on, Jeremy.”
“I can tell that you haven’t, not really,” he replied calmly. “Look, I’m not asking for any promises or anything. But it sounds like you’re having a rough go of things, right? Maybe that guy from that date; I’m guessing things didn’t work out so well with him?”
My breath stopped in my throat, and I couldn’t even squeeze out the slightest reply.
Jeremy chuckled sardonically. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. You’ve been hurt again. All I’m asking is for a little of your time, okay? I know you’re comfortable around me. Let’s get your mind off of him, isn’t that what you need?”
“What I need, I have,” I barely choked out.
“Let me guess… you’re at your apartment. Natalie’s out, so you’re alone and watching Netflix, right? Just you, alone with your thoughts?”
Goddammit, he’s got me fucking pinned.
“Look, Clara, I know you. And you know me. You know that I’m not a bad guy, I just got my… priorities fucked up, for a little while there. I’m not asking you back… I wouldn’t dream of that yet. But I’m lonely, and you’re lonely… we’re both hurting. Let’s go get dinner together, okay? Just dinner. No pressure. What do you say?”