??s the point of trying not to piss him off?
I walked out of that shower this morning determined to live my life, with or without him. I’d done nothing wrong and I had nothing to apologize for. If Bear couldn’t be man enough to come to me, then fuck him.
Or not.
I pushed away all my yearning for him—closing off my heart and turning off my body, because that was the only way I could get through the day.
Levi had been happy to hear from me. I’d agreed to meet with him again tonight and I was determined to hear him out, ask a lot of questions, and do what was best for me. I vowed not to let the situation with Bear sway me in any way.
I stared down at the ring on my finger, remembering that moment in the airport that he’d put it on. I’d taken the choker off as soon as I’d gotten home after that horrible night and I reached up now, brushing my fingers against my naked neck. I stood up, walking out of my messy studio and into my bedroom. I opened the top drawer of my dresser and slid the ring off my finger, letting it fall onto a pile of scarves, right next to all of my chokers.
I closed the drawer, my heart heavy as tears fell from my eyes.
The first lurch caught me off guard and I ran to the bathroom, everything I’d eaten this morning coming up in a flush of release that felt like I was expelling every emotion I’d ever felt, all of the pain, all of the torment, all of the sadness, it all came up with my breakfast.
I sat back on my heels afterwards, a slight sheen of sweat on my forehead, trying to catch my breath.
I’d been nauseous for over a week, my heart so full of pain, and the sudden rush of relief felt like I’d been cleansed, in a way.
I took another shower and brushed my teeth and later, as I was getting ready to have dinner with Levi, I almost—almost—felt like my old self.
Chapter 24
“I can’t believe you showed my portfolio to Armani!” I said, my eyes wide with disbelief. Levi was beaming across from me and I was sure I was too. “That’s just unbelievable. I didn’t think you’d show it to him personally.”
“We were in a meeting together,” he shrugged, as if being in a meeting with Armani was something he did every day. “I had it with me and I figured why not.”
“Tell me again what he said,” I insisted, my eyes bright with excitement. He’d already told me the story three times, but I couldn’t hear it enough.
Levi smiled, his sexy grin growing into a low chuckle that made his broad shoulders shake.
“He said your designs remind him of Donna Karan’s early work,” he said. It was like music to my ears.
“Seriously, she’s one of my idols. Her simple lines, her bold shapes…I couldn’t be more flattered.”
“Well, I’m glad,” he said. “You should be proud of your work, Chloe, it’s good.”
“Thank you,” I said, smiling across the table at him. “That’s very nice of you to say. You’ve been very kind.” I reached up, brushing my hair behind my ears. His eyes locked onto my finger and he squinted.
“Where’s your ring?” he asked.
“Oh,” I said. “I took it off.”
“That’s too bad,” he said, his green eyes warm and tender. “Are you okay?”
“Yes,” I said, raising my chin. “I am. Bear and I had…a fight…I guess. I thought we might work things out but I haven’t heard from him in a while, so I guess it’s over.”
“I see,” he said, reaching over and putting his hand on mine. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Thanks,” I said, biting my lip. I felt a tad guilty talking to him about it. I hadn’t even talked to Bear about it, but what did it matter? If he wanted to talk to me, he’d call. “It is what it is.”
“That’s true,” he said. “I think you’ll be pretty busy soon and won’t have too much time to think about it.”
“Do you really think I’ll get a job there?” I couldn’t believe what he was saying.
“I think there’s a very good chance. Armani took your portfolio. He told me he’s got a few other candidates that he’s considering bringing on as consultants for his summer line and he wanted to look at your designs a little closer. That sounds to me like you’ve got a great chance.”
“It’s such an honor just having him look at it.”
“I’m glad you’re happy, Chloe,” he said, his hand still on top of mine. “You’re a wonderful woman. You deserve to be happy. Bear’s a stupid man for letting a girl like you go…”
“Thanks,” I said. “I’m not sure where we’re headed, to tell you the truth.”
“Well, he’s a complicated guy.”
“That’s for sure,” I said, sighing.
I turned and scanned the restaurant. We’d met at Forlini’s, an Italian joint on Baxter St. that had high backed red-velvet booths and sparkling chandeliers. It was beautiful and I was happy to be sitting here with Levi.
The waitress brought out our food out. We’d both ordered spaghetti and meatballs and we dug in. I was ravenous and hoping like hell I could keep this down. I couldn’t believe how sick I was from this break-up. It was like I’d been run over by a train and all the damage was concentrated in my gut.
Breaking up with Harlan hadn’t affected me physically at all. In fact, I’d felt lighter after leaving him, as if a great weight had lifted from my life. This thing with Bear had my stomach in knots and my heart feeling like it was suffocating me at every moment. Even after this mornings purge session, I still felt sick.
“You sure you’re okay?” Levi asked, his fork frozen in mid-air.
“Yes,” I said, nodding, pretending, “I’m fine.”
“Chloe, I want you to know I’m here for you. I know we’re going to have a great professional relationship and I can’t wait to see where it all goes. But I want you to know I’m here for you personally, too. It can be hard to make friends in the city, and if you need anything, you can always call me. Even if it’s just an ear.”
“Thank you,” I replied, smiling. “That’s very sweet of you. I might just take you up on that. You do have great taste in restaurants!”
“I hate to cook,” he said. “I think I’ve eaten in every restaurant in Manhattan by now.”
I laughed, shoveling more spaghetti in my mouth, trying to shove all my feelings down with it. I was constantly on the verge of crying and even now, in the midst of getting the best compliment of my professional career, I still felt like a huge chunk of my life was missing.
Time, I told myself again, looking across the table at Levi, time will heal all wounds, they say.
Maybe having a friend in the meantime wouldn’t be so bad.
“Thank you,” I said, reaching across and grabbing his hand. “I do need a friend.”
“Well, you’ve got one right here,” he said, his grass green eyes sparkling under the warm light of the chandelier.
“When will it stop snowing?” I asked, as Levi and I walked down the sidewalk.
“Maybe in a month or so, perhaps a little more,” he said.
“I might freeze by then,” I replied, sidestepping a huge puddle of who knows what. I held my breath as I passed by, determined not to be assaulted by the deluge of the constant street aromas. I shivered in the cold, shoving my hands inside my coat.
I’d eaten way too much and now that we were out in the cold again, my stomach was clenching up from the cold, causing me to feel even sicker than before I’d eaten. I took slow, even breaths to keep the nausea at bay.
“Where do you live?” Levi asked.
“Not too far,” I said. “I can make it on my own, you don’t have to walk me all the way there.”
“Nonsense,” he said. “What kind of gentlemen would I be to not walk you home after dark?”
“Okay, thank you, Levi,” I said, trying to smile through my chattering teeth.
“So when do you think you’ll hear anything?” I asked after a few minutes.
“It could be a while,” he said. “A few weeks, maybe more. Georgio doesn’t do anything
in a hurry.”
“I see,” I said. I needed to start making plans. My savings was dwindling, I didn’t want to use Bear’s money to get by and I didn’t want to ask my mother for help either. I needed a job of some sort. I probably needed to find a new place to live, too. The thought of it was overwhelming and yet I just didn’t see things going any other way. I’d feel better once I was on my own and independent, though.
This was exactly what I was afraid of before, being dependent on Bear and then having everything stripped away. I was beginning to feel glad that it hadn’t gone on any further, despite the intense pain I was feeling. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe after all the bad feelings went away, I’d be whole again.
Right now, I’d settle for not feeling like my tits were going to fall off from the freezing cold and that I wasn’t going to puke all the time.
We turned the corner near my apartment building and a wave of nausea hit me like a mack truck. I froze, hunching over as I lost it.
All of it.
And by all of it, I mean all the spaghetti and red sauce I’d just ravenously consumed came rushing out of me and onto the sidewalk, splashing up and hitting not just my beautiful black Frey boots, but Levi’s very expensive Italian loafers.
I tried to wave him away, but I couldn’t see much through the tears that seemed to think right now was a good time to start flowing down my face. I puked for what seemed like hours, but was probably only a moment, but what it lacked in time, it made up for in volume and color.
I’d never been more embarrassed.
“Oh, Chloe,” Levi said, handing me a handkerchief. If I hadn’t been so embarrassed, I’d have been charmed by the fact that a man in the year 2017 was actually carrying a handkerchief. I grabbed it from him thankfully and wiped my face.
“I’m so sorry,” I said, finally standing up.
He shook his head, his brow wrinkled in concern.
“Don’t be,” he said, putting an arm around me and guiding me down the street, my dinner left behind on the sidewalk, “let’s get you home.”
I nodded, leaning into him as he led me all the way to my apartment.