“Don’t get me wrong,” Lennox continued. “I know I wasn’t blameless. I could have done a lot more, and what I did do, I could have done much better. A relationship between two people can only be as good as the effort they both put into it, so don’t think I’m blaming Winnie, because I’m not.”
“I don’t think that,” she said. “I have to say, though, that I’m very surprised there were issues between the two of you. I never got even a hint of discord.” She still couldn’t get over that. She had been so close to Winnie, how did she miss it?
“That’s not so unusual, though, is it? Doesn’t everyone put on a mask in public?”
“I didn’t think of myself as public.” And the fact that either one or both of them thought she was, hurt.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you by saying that.”
“I know you didn’t.”
He placed a hand on her knee. “But I did anyway and I’m sorry.”
“It’s just . . .” She searched for the words. “I’m beginning to feel as if there’s this whole side of Winnie I didn’t know about, and it’s a bit disturbing.”
She couldn’t keep her eyes off his hand and the way it rested so casually on her knee. She wasn’t sure, but she thought it might be the first time he’d touched her since she’d been released from the hospital.
He squeezed her knee. “I can’t imagine she purposely hid anything from you. I think she was more afraid that you’d judge her.”
Her forehead wrinkled. “Judge her about what?”
“Winnie wasn’t truly a submissive.”
The truth hit her square in the chest, because so much made sense now. And as it did, an entirely new feeling swept over her: guilt. Guilt that she hadn’t seen the truth. Guilt that she didn’t push harder when Winnie said everything was “fine.” And there was something else. She was angry. Angry at Winnie for lying to both her and Lennox. Lying about who she was and what she needed.
“So, that day . . .” she started, looking at him.
He’d gone pale and looked even more so because of the stark contrast to his black hair.
“I confronted her. I’d told her to be waiting for me and she wasn’t. I expected it, of course, but it felt so final when she disregarded my instructions. I knew then the relationship was over. I couldn’t do vanilla and she wasn’t made for kink. I’d been so proud of the submissive I’d trained, and then I found out that I’d made one of the worst mistakes a Dom can make.”
“She told you she wanted to be trained, you had to take her at her word.” If he blamed himself, it only made sense that Mariela took some of the blame as well.
“That’s not the worst part. I told her I wanted to separate. I couldn’t cut it off with her completely. I loved her too much. But I wasn’t sure how to not be a Dom and I needed space to think.” He blew out a deep breath and looked at the ceiling. “She lost it. She called me every rotten name she could think of and stormed out of the cottage.”
Mariela filled in the rest. “And she got in her car and crashed.”
“Yes.” He hung his head. “I should have stopped her. She wasn’t in the right frame of mind to drive.”
Right frame of mind to drive. All at once, all the air left Mariela’s body. “Oh my god.”
Pure horror washed over her as she replayed the last phone call she’d had with Winnie. Her vision started to fade and she dropped her head between her knees so she wouldn’t pass out.
“Marie?” He placed a hand on her back and she heard the fear in his voice.
“Oh my god,” she repeated.
“What?”
She didn’t straighten up. She couldn’t. To do so would mean she’d have to look at him and she couldn’t do it. Not when she told him what she had to tell him.
“All this time,” she said, forcing herself to stay calm and not to cry. Not yet. Not just yet. “All this time, you’ve been blaming yourself and it was me. It was me.”
The hand that had been rubbing her back stilled. “What do you mean?”
He knew Mariela had been on the phone with Winnie when the accident happened, but they’d never discussed anything other than his sorrow at her having to hear everything as it occurred. Her stomach soured as she remembered him saying once that as hard as it was for Mariela, he felt peace that Winnie had been in touch with someone when she died. Even if it was by phone.
“On the phone with her. I could tell she was upset. I told her she better not be driving when she was that upset and that if she didn’t pull the car over I was going to have you spank her ass.” She took a deep breath and closed her eyes as she forced the rest of the words out. “It was seconds after that when the crash happened.”
Lennox was silent from his place beside her. He started rubbing her back again. “You can’t blame yourself, Marie. You didn’t know.”
Now the sobs started. Because how the hell was it okay for him to blame himself for Winnie’s death but she shouldn’t do the same? God, they were both so fucked up. Both of them, and she doubted there was anything, anywhere that could make either of them normal again.
“So what?” She sniffled and sat back up, but still refused to look at him. “You get to corner the market on guilt? Isn’t there enough to spread around?”
“I won’t have you blaming yourself for what happened.”
“But you can? Well, then fuck you.”
Her guilt and grief were rapidly turning into anger. But seriously, who did he think he was anyway?
“Marie,” he said, and he didn’t sound upset or angry. Just tired. So very tired. “Don’t.”
He placed a hand on her shoulder, but she jerked away. “Don’t touch me.”
He sighed, clearly displeased with her response. “Believe it or not, I know how you feel.”
“Right.” She snorted. “Because you’ve been carrying guilt for years. You’ll have to excuse me, it’s a new feeling for me.”
“I don’t blame you.”
For some reason, that really pissed her off. She wasn’t sure if it was his Dom nature coming out or what. “You always do that, you know.”
“Do what?”
“Act like you’re the judge, jury, and executioner. Guess what? You’re not. And your feelings of guilt aren’t any more valid than mine.”
“I didn’t mean to imply they were.”
She didn’t answer. She crossed her arms and waited. For what, she wasn’t sure. But she somehow knew if she said anything, it would be something she’d regret. As much as she disliked him at the moment, she didn’t want to say anything to permanently damage their relationship.
“I also wanted to tell you that I was going to be away for a bit,” he said.
It was the very last thing she expected him to say. “Where are you going?”
His face had regained that stonelike expression she knew so well. She hated that expression. “Someone Terrence Knight knows is wanting to start a BDSM school on the east coast. He’s going to be in Portland for a few weeks, and Terrence invited me to spend some time with him.”
“Andie’s Terrence Knight? The actor?”
“Yes.”
“How long will you be gone?”
“A week or so.” He closed his eyes as if in pain. “I have to get away for a little while. For my sanity.”
She wasn’t sure what that meant, but he sounded sincere and she knew exactly how he felt. “I hope the time away does you good.”
She hoped it did both of them some good.
CHAPTER
Eleven
Marie’s hands shook only a little as she filled out the