I glance over at Ryan, whose face is completely devoid of any emotion. “Whatever you think is best,” I tell the doctor, wishing my mom would hurry up and get here.
“Would you like any pain medication?” he asks. “Once you hit full dilatation you won’t be able to get any.”
A huge contraction hits, and I nod emphatically. I read on those moms groups how a lot of women like to go at it all natural, but I am clearly not one of those women.
After the doctor breaks my water, the nurse cleans the area up, and then an anesthesiologist comes in and gives me an epidural. Ryan stays the entire time, sitting on the couch and staring at me but not saying a word. I can’t tell if he’s mad or concerned, or if he’s trying to give me space.
Once I’m situated, the nurse lets me know if I have any family who would like to visit, they can come in now. Ryan offers to go get them, and a few minutes later returns with our moms.
“The men said to let them know once the baby comes,” Kayla says with a playful eye roll. “I just wanted to come in and make sure you’re okay.” She bends over and kisses my forehead.
“I’m okay. The drugs are already working,” I joke, thankful she’s not too mad at me.
“I texted Liza,” Mom says, referring to my younger sister. “She’s at a friend’s house but is getting a ride here, and Liam is hanging out with your dad in the waiting room. They both said to tell you they love you.”
“The doctor said it shouldn’t be too long. He broke my water and I’m almost completely dilated.” I shrug, not really sure what the hell any of that means. I’ve read a million books on what to expect once I have the baby, but I probably should’ve read at least one on labor and delivery.
“Good evening,” the nurse says cheerily. “How’s everyone?”
Everyone mumbles an okay or good.
She checks my blood pressure and then walks over to the machine that’s monitoring the baby’s heartbeat. She smiles, tells me she’ll be back in a little while to check on me, then disappears.
“You guys don’t have to hang out here,” I say, once she’s gone. “I’m the only one who has to be stuck in this room.” I laugh softly, my eyes feeling heavy from the pain meds.
“I’m going to go let the guys know everything is okay,” Kayla says. She stops at Ryan and rubs a hand up and down his shoulder before she exits.
“I think I’ll join her,” Mom says after a beat, pressing a kiss to my forehead. “I’ll be back soon,” she whispers, letting me know she’s giving Ryan and me a moment.
When she leaves, and it’s only Ryan and me in the room, neither of us says a word for several long minutes. The epidural is working and I can barely feel the contractions.
Ryan stands and walks over to the monitor. “We’re going to have a baby,” he murmurs, lifting the paper that’s printing out the baby’s heartbeat. Unsure if he’s talking to me or to himself, I don’t respond.
“How are you feeling?” he asks, walking back over to me.
“Okay. He’s kicking. Do you want to feel?”
“He?” He raises a brow.
“I don’t really know. I decided to wait and find out. But I think it’s a boy.” Every time I would see him on the monitor I would imagine him with Ryan’s and my brown hair and Ryan’s cobalt blue eyes.
I place Ryan’s hand on my belly. The baby presses one of his limbs against my stomach and Ryan’s eyes light up. “Holy shit,” he whispers. “There’s a baby in there.”
I choke out a laugh, for the first time feeling a little lighter since he showed up. “There is.”
“I almost missed all this,” he says, his hand and eyes not leaving my stomach.
“I’m so sorry, Ry.” His gaze moves to my face, and his eyes soften. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“I’ve been thinking about you for the last nine months,” he admits. “I thought about writing you a million times, but I didn’t want to put you in that position.” He pauses for a moment. “Did you know… when I called and asked you to visit?”
“No.” I shake my head to emphasize my answer. “I mean, I might’ve had a clue, but I was deep in denial. Then I went to visit Georgia and Lexi, and Lexi made me take a test. By the time I got it confirmed by a doctor you were already gone.” It’s becoming hard to keep my eyes open, but I try, needing to make things right with Ryan.
“I’m so sorry,” I say again, the words coming out in a slur. “If I could do it all over again…”