The truth was that I wanted to do all of that and more. I didn’t even have to think hard on it to know that what I really wanted was to keep Sammy with me. Have him sleep in his room down the hall from me, have me be the one who he wakes up to in the morning, and who rocks him to sleep at night.
But I wasn’t going to push anything. I was still the girl with the brain injury. Of course no one would trust him with me full-time when I don’t even remember being a mother in the first place. But I didn’t have to remember being Sammy’s mom to actually be his mom.
Because he remembered me. And looking in the rearview mirror, into Sammy’s identical eyes, I knew that nothing else mattered but being everything to that boy that he wanted me to be.
That I wanted me to be.
“Yesssssssssss,” Sammy agreed from his car seat. “Storrrrryyyy.”
“I guess I’m giving a bath and reading a bedtime story then.” It’s not like I could argue with that level of enthusiasm even if I wanted to.
I didn’t want to.
“It’s nice to see you smile.” Tanner said, coming around and opening the passenger side.
Inside the pool house was more like a large hotel room; the bed and living room were one in the same. A small portion of the main room had been walled off to make a makeshift room for Sammy.
Tanner ran the bath water and, at first, I stood there in the center of the bathroom, feeling useless and uncomfortable, not knowing what to do with my hands. But when Sammy threw a washcloth and it smacked against my face, I pulled it off and went over to the tub. The second I kneeled down beside him, it all fell into place. I washed his hair and soaped him up as if I’d done it a thousand times before.
Because I have done it a thousand times before.
When bath time was over, I dressed Sammy in the PJs Tanner had laid out and he clamored up onto my lap as I read to him from Larry the Leopard Learns His Spots by Dr. Nellenbach. When he drifted off to sleep, his head on my shoulder, I walked him over to the other side of the room and set him in his bed, which was low to the ground, and had a guardrail along the side so he wouldn’t fall to the floor during the night. I was just about to leave when Sammy’s little voice pulled me back into the room. “Mommy?” he asked.
“I’m here,” I said, kneeling beside his bed.
“Mommy, sunshine song?” Sammy asked, talking with his thumb in his mouth. He yawned. “Sunshine song when I go na-night.”
I opened my mouth to tell him that I didn’t know what song he was talking about, but the words of the song came out instead. As I softly sang to him, Sammy closed his eyes and hummed along.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
you make me happy when skies are gray
you’ll never know dear, how much I love you,
please don’t take my sunshine away.
When the song was over Sammy opened his eyes. “Mommy, snuggles with me?” Sammy lifted his little blanket.
It was an offer I couldn’t refuse. I sat on his mattress and lifted him into my arms. I sat back against the headboard and cradled him under my chin, setting his blanket down over both of us.
And for a long time, I just sat there, breathing in his hair. Absorbing the feel of his soft chubby fingers absently playing with mine. A peacefulness I hadn’t known since I left King’s washed over me. The way I felt about Sammy was the most overwhelming sensation I’d ever experienced. Like every single part of me belonged to him. Like the very reason I was ever put on the earth was to be his mother.
“Mommy,” Sammy said, snuggling into my chest, “I wuv you much.”
I covered my mouth with my hand to muffle the sound of the sob that came out of nowhere. I brushed his curls from his eyes and leaned over to kiss him on his head. “I love you too, baby. So much,” I told him.
And I did.
My brain may have forgotten him, but my heart hadn’t.
I stayed there for a long time with my son wrapped in my arms. Long after his breathing became even and I knew he’d long been asleep.
I was careful not to wake him when I wiggled out from underneath him. When my feet hit the floor, Sammy stirred and I stilled until he rolled over onto his stomach with his hands above his head.
Deep in sleep.
I kept my eyes on Sammy as I tiptoed out of the room, running right into Tanner who was standing in the doorway. “Have you been here the whole time?” I whispered.