The last time we’d actually spoken, he’d dumped me after graduation, and I’d unloaded two years of feelings on him with my volume level at twelve and an audience of at least two fifty. I’d seen him at a few parties after that, and both times, we’d ended up fucking in a bathroom and his car, respectively. There was no talking either time.
After that summer, I’d moved to New York, and I hadn’t really thought about him much. I had thrown myself into my life, my goals, which in part included not ever getting serious with anyone. Which insured they always wanted to get serious with me.
And I know what you’re thinking — God, Penny, you’re such a liar. You thought about him all the time.
But I really hadn’t. He’d affected me, but I’d closed the door and tried not to let it bother me otherwise. It was simply a sticking point, a reason why, devoid of general emotions on the matter.
I was an excellent suppressor of emotion on that particular matter.
Things I could thank Rodney for.
My abs hurt a little from laughing, and I wiped a stray tear from the corner of my eye.
Rodney had done so much to shape who I was, and Bodie had undone it all just by existing, just by caring for me.
I thought about Diddle, the boy I used to know. I thought about the man he’d grown up to be and how brilliant and determined and wonderful he was. I thought about how good he made me feel, how he cared for me, how I cared for him. I thought about how different Rodney was from Bodie, how one could be so cruel and one so kind. How one could seek to tear me down while the other lifted me up.
I thought about how Bodie was everything I wanted, and I thought about how wrong I’d done him.
I thought about how I could possibly make it right again.
And then I unlocked my phone, navigated to my favorites, and touched his name, hoping I still had a chance.
When my phone rang and I saw our picture on the screen, my heart stopped and started again with a jolt I felt down to my toes. I’d imagined the moment for days and had lost hope that it would happen, that I would hear from her. And now that my phone buzzed in my hand, I had no fucking clue what to say or do or feel.
So I went default.
“Hey, Penny,” I answered, hoping I sounded cool.
She laughed nervously. “Bodie, oh my God. You won’t believe who just called me.”
A slow tingle climbed my neck. Not what I thought she’d say. “Who?”
“Rodney.”
My insides liquified at that single word. “Really?”
She laughed, the nervousness slipping away until it edged on hysteria, her tone giddy and rushed. “Seriously! Get this: he had his agent call my agent.” She laughed again, a burst of feverish giggling that made my blood boil.
I tried to chuckle, but it sounded a little like I was choking. “No shit. What did he want?”
“He’s in town and has tickets to his show tonight at Lucky’s.”
More laughter — my pulse ticked up.
“He told me to bring a friend.”
“Great. I’m your friend. I’m coming with you.”
Another round of giggling, this one hitting me in the heart, reminding me how much I wanted her for my own. It was a sound meant for me this time, a sound that said she wanted me with her.
All that was gleaned from a simple series of bursts of air from her lips.
“I didn’t think you’d be interested,” she said, half-joking.
If there was one thing I didn’t joke about, it was Penny and Rodney in the same room together.
“Penny, I’m interested in all things related to you.”
She paused for a second. “Listen, I don’t really think—”
“I’m coming with you. What time’s the show?”
Another pause.
“The doors open at seven, but I don’t want to—”
“Pen,” I said with finality, “I want to see you. I need to see you. And you’re not going to Lucky’s without me. So it’s settled — I’m coming with you. I’ll meet you there at seven.”
“All right,” she said quietly, tentatively. “How’ve you been?”
“Busy with work but good,” I lied, suppressing a sigh, the pressure in my chest mounting. “You?”
“Oh, I’ve been okay. Just working a lot.”
She lulled, and I grappled with what to say.
“I … I missed you.”
My anxiety softened by the smallest degree. “Me too, Pen.”
“Bodie, there’s so much to say. I’ve been thinking about everything, about you and me, and—”
I heard someone call her name in the background, and she hissed a swear.
“I’ve got to go. Let’s talk tonight, okay?”
“Okay,” I answered with my heart drumming, and we said goodbye, disconnecting.
My palms were swampy as I slipped my phone into my back pocket and paced into the living room where Jude and Phil sat at their desks working.