I was possibly going to die from laughing, and I had definitely snuck a photo.
Veronica and I were chanting, Mona, Mona, as we threw money on the stage, which was ridiculous since we’d already paid to have her pulled onstage for public humiliation.
When the song ended, we all cheered, and the banana-hammocked stripper offered a hand to help her stand and guided her to the stage stairs with a kiss on the cheek. She curtsied as she walked toward our group.
The night had been a good one — heels were high, laughs were from the belly, and the drinks were cold and ample.
Ramona was tanked.
All was as it should be.
We took our seats at the edge of the men’s stage, and I reached over to straighten Ramona’s tiny veil with bobbling dicks on springs around the tiara.
She smiled at me, her eyes glossy and wet. “I love you, Penny.”
“I love you too,” I said on a laugh. “Need another drink?”
She nodded, grinning now. “Jameson on the rocks.”
“I know what you drink, pumpkin.” I booped her nose.
“You always take care of me, even when I’m a drunk bitch,” she said, motioning to herself.
“Well, you take care of me literally all the rest of the time, so we’re even. I’m the lucky one. And I pay you back in the form of humping cowboys and Jameson!”
Ramona giggled. “He was so hot. But not as hot as Shep.” She sighed. “How the fuck did I get so lucky?”
“Well, for starters, you’re a fucking catch.”
“So are you. And now you got caught by Bodie the fisherman with his giant pole.” She pretended to cast a fishing line from her crotch.
I cackled, only a little freaked out by the thought. “You are so drunk. Let me get you even more drunker.”
“More drunker!” she crowed.
I flagged our waitress, who had on the most epic studded bra, thong, and garter set I’d ever seen. Like, so epic that I’d asked her where she got it and maybe bought it on my phone.
Once I was settled back in my seat, the music changed as a new stripper came out dressed like a B-Boy. The song was by Machinedrum and totally obscure, which caught my ear and my eye. It was a sexy dubstep song I had on one of my playlists, and he immediately won points for originality.
He was hot as fuck, gliding across the stage, popping and locking in the sexiest striptease known to woman.
I sat at the edge of my seat, hands in the air as I danced in place, excitedly singing the words.
B-Boy Johnny locked onto me with his lip between his teeth. He made his way across the stage to stop right in front of me and pulled off his shirt, rolling his body as he tossed it.
And just like that, he was planking on the edge of the stage with his feet in the air and his face inches from mine.
I laughed and sang the words to him, hoping he was harmless and/or gay. He spun away and danced some more, but he kept coming back to me like I was the center point of the universe, like the dance was for me.
I didn’t even have any dollars for him; I’d given them all to Ramona.
This fact did not deter him.
A few minutes in, I felt a little squirmy — he was definitely not harmless or gay — so I turned to Ramona to give her all my attention, hoping he would get the hint. Instead of ignoring me like I wanted, he flipped off the stage and landed right in front of me, dancing in my direction until he had me pushed all the way back in my seat and was straddling me. So I let the man give me a lap dance like a good girl, slipping a couple of bucks someone had shoved in my hand into the waist of his pants.
I mean, the guy had to eat, right?
He spent the final two minutes of the song in my lap, taking my hand to run it down his chiseled chest and abs, and we laughed at the brilliant awkwardness of it all.
A month ago, I probably would have gone home with him. But tonight? Tonight I wasn’t interested at all, and I couldn’t stop assessing him.
He was tall but not as tall as Bodie. And he had a great smile, but his bottom teeth were a little crooked where Bodie’s were almost unnaturally straight, thanks to his orthodontist and those braces that had helped hide him from me years ago. Plus, B-Boy Johnny was missing that dimple that made me crazy. No way was he as funny as Bodie either. I knew almost without a doubt that Bodie ate better pussy.
So I endured that lap dance like a champ as well as a little kiss on the cheek he gave me before he gathered up his clothes and cash and disappeared behind the curtain.