Across the table, Daniel took a deep breath. I wasn’t fooling him. He clearly knew something had happened between me and Abby. “Okay,” he said, accepting that whatever it was wasn’t up for discussion. “I know you’ve talked to Luke DeVaan about building a club for the Partners in Play group. What do you think about incorporating the bulk of these changes when that opens?”
My mind had been on nothing but Abby for the last twelve or so hours. Now, forced to think about something else, I felt relieved, but also just a bit guilty. Guilty, because how could I focus on anything with things as they were between me and Abby?
“I think that will be fine.” I forced the situation with Abby out of my head for the moment. “As long as we don’t allow anyone new until then.”
“That’s exactly what I was thinking and why I suggested we wait. I think it’d be good for the current members to grow more connected, stronger as a group. Maybe I’m being too optimistic, but I think with a stronger group dynamic, everything about the group strengthens.” He shrugged. “I think that’s worth taking a break from adding new members for.”
“In that case, a lot of the other things we came up with will be taken care of by the new building. We’ll have video cameras installed. Someone dedicated to front desk duty. There will actually be a front desk. All doors will have built-in windows so rooms can be checked at any time. And there’ll be a separate aftercare area.”
“I really like the things you’re adding to the new building. This is exciting.”
“And, like Abby pointed out to me, it’s important that you and Julie won’t be burdened with the responsibility of hosting the group so often.”
“We didn’t mind.”
“I know, but it’s still a lot for one couple.”
He didn’t argue with that. “What are some other ideas you had?”
“We propose anyone wanting to join has to be recommended by a group member. Then once someone is applying, he has to meet with a senior member. And the new member has to be observed in play by a senior member. Even then, once admitted, he or she is a probationary member for a year.”
“This sounds really good.”
“Thank you. We also thought about having an electronic database of member information and checklists. It would be handy to have that information readily available and it would give us the ability to match people up. The downside is having all that information in an electronic database might make some people uncomfortable. We need to come up with a way to code everything to guarantee anonymity.”
“I knew you were the right man for this. I believe all these things will go a long way to ensure that everyone is safe.”
His words punched me in the gut. I wasn’t the right man for the job, and I certainly hadn’t kept Abby safe.
“Nathaniel?” he asked. “Are you okay? Did I say something?”
“I fucked up.”
“Oh?”
“With Abby. Last night.” I shook my head. “I don’t know how to fix it and she’s not talking to me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It was so bad. We caused a scene and everything. The Dungeon Monitor came by to check on us because we were creating such a disturbance.”
He gave a low whistle.
“Yeah,” I said softly. “After that, we went back to the room and she told me off again and went to bed.”
“From the way you look, you didn’t sleep at all.”
“I used to do it all the time.”
“You were probably ten years younger.”
“True, I don’t remember it feeling this way.”
He chuckled. “Hell, if I tried to do the things I did ten years ago, I’d be in a serious mess.”
I tried to smile, but it hurt too much.
“I can’t say I’m the expert when it comes to relationships. I’ve never been married and I’ve never been with anyone for as long as you’ve been with Abby. But I do know this: she loves you madly and deeply and I can’t imagine anything you’ve done will cause her not to anymore.”
I wasn’t sure he was right about that. He didn’t know what I’d done and I didn’t feel like telling him. Not because I was afraid of how he would see me; I couldn’t imagine him thinking less of me than I thought of myself. I just couldn’t stand to say the words. If I did, I’d relive every torturous second.
“Thanks,” I said. “We’ll see if she talks to me when I go back to the room.”
“The good thing about being here is there’s really nowhere for her to go. I doubt she’ll leave you here with no transportation.”
The Abby I knew wouldn’t, either, but I’d hurt her badly last night. There was no way for me to know what I’d inadvertently turned her into.
She wasn’t in the room when I went back upstairs. But a quick check assured me she hadn’t left. Her clothes were in the closet and her toiletries were in the bathroom. She hadn’t even taken the car. The keys were still on the table where I’d left them.
While I waited for her to get back, I called home and spoke to Lynne and the kids. They sounded so happy. It had truly been a godsend to find Lynne to be our nanny. Elizabeth was as bubbly and bright as ever. Henry was speaking more often in shorter sentences. Sometimes it made me ache because they seemed to be growing so fast. I knew I’d turn around and find they were teenagers.
An hour before I was due to give my speech, she still hadn’t shown up. I gave serious thought to searching the grounds until I found her. But I knew she needed time and distance and though it went against everything inside me, it was important that I gave her that.
I finally put my speech notes away and took a shower. Then I walked down to the conference room. It didn’t feel right to have so much alone time. Even when I traveled for work and she couldn’t come with me, we were always connected somehow through text, or e-mail, or something. This distance from her felt as if I’d lost part of who I was. Which made sense. After so many years, I was no longer only Nathaniel West. I was also Abby’s husband, Elizabeth and Henry’s dad, and Abigail’s Master.
Today, it felt as though two of those were missing. As I walked to the conference room for my speech, I vowed I’d find her afterward and we would talk this through. I’d listen and let her rant and yell at me because I more than deserved it. Then we’d sit down and work our way through it as we had done with other problems in the past.
Because I’d made it to the conference room early, it was relatively empty. I went to the platform and put my notes down. An employee came in and we did a sound check. Once that was done, there was nothing left but to wait.
Just get through the speech. Then you can find her and head home.
Home. Tonight we would be home. After a car ride back to Delaware with Daniel and Julie.
I didn’t even want to contemplate how awkward that potentially could be.
People started drifting in. I was the last speaker on the schedule, so I’d thought many people would be heading home and I’d have a small audience. I guessed wrong. There were a lot of people gathering. As they did so, it wasn’t too hard to pick out the ones who had witnessed my fight with Abby the night before. They strolled into the room and did a quick double take when they saw me.
Yes, I wanted to say. It’s me. The ass from last night. Come in and sit down. You know you’re even more interested now in what I have to say.
I was surprised no one left after seeing it was me. Maybe they wanted to stand around and give me hell after the speech. I certainly deserved that. Or perhaps they were interested in what the ass from the night before had to say.
It never occurred to me that Abby wouldn’t show up. The entire day I’d operated with the assumption she’d be at my speech. Yet when I stood up after being introduced, I did a quick glance around the room and didn’t see her.
I looked down at my notes, staring at the words I’d written until they blurred and I couldn’t see them anymore. Someone in the back coughed. I sighed. I really didn’t want to be up here.
&n
bsp; “Thank you all for coming today,” I said. Better to get the speech over and done with. Then I could find Abby and we could leave this place. “Today I’m going to talk about the building blocks of a strong D/s relationship.”
I almost snorted. Right. This should be good. Even I didn’t believe this one.
The back door creaked open and my breath caught as Abby walked in. Head down, she took a seat in the back. I tried my best to see her expression, but there were too many people in front of her and I could only make out the top of her head.
But regardless of her mood, she’d come. We were in the same room. It wasn’t much, but it was a start. The same person coughed again. I tore my gaze away from Abby and saw that not only was everyone looking at me, they were looking as if I had three horns growing out of my head.