“Did you ask what it was?”
“No, but we’d gone over our checklists. He knew my limits. ” Her fist tightened, tangled in the sheet. “I trusted him. ”
The door opened and a nurse’s aide nodded to the tray.
“Take it,” Sasha said. “I’m not hungry. ”
Julie decided it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to tell her she really needed to eat. Food wasn’t going to help Sasha’s gaunt look.
“Anyway,” Sasha continued, once the door closed. “He gagged me. ”
Unable to help herself, Julie shivered. She recalled the gags in Daniel’s playroom. They didn’t look fun.
Sasha didn’t notice or acknowledge her shiver. “Always before when I’ve been gagged, I’ve been given a bell. To drop or ring as a safe word. Peter didn’t give me anything. I knew better, but I . . . ” She shook her head.
Just like Daniel had said.
“You what? Why wouldn’t you say something?” Make me understand, Julie wanted to say, why you would deliberately ignore one of the first rules Daniel taught me. The one he made sure she remembered every time they started.
“Look, I know it was stupid, but at the time, it was like I was high or something. I was going to wear his collar. I wanted to please him. I thought he would be able to tell how I felt. I remember thinking it was so touching he knew me so well, we didn’t need safe words anymore. ”
No, that wasn’t touching, Julie wanted to say; it was stupid. But she refrained. Sasha hadn’t even known Peter that long.
“He has chains suspended from his ceiling. That’s where he bound me. We’d done it before. I enjoyed it. This time, he decided to blindfold me, too. ”
Julie recalled being blindfolded and bound. She’d liked it. Aside from the gag, part of her und
erstood where Sasha was coming from.
And that scared her.
“He started with a flogger. One of my favorites, but it takes me a while to reach subspace. ” She looked at Julie with a raised eyebrow.
“Yes. ” Julie nodded. “I know what it is, just not by experience. ”
Subspace, that mysterious feeling submissives craved. The place a Dominant could take them that felt so good, it almost became addictive. The state where a rush of endorphins sent a submissive into a trancelike frame of mind so deep, pain was nearly nonexistent. She’d longed for the day she could experience it firsthand.
“He knew it took me a long time,” Sasha whispered. “He knew. ”
She was quiet for such a long time, Julie wondered if she felt well enough to continue. “We can finish later if you want. ”
“I told them I didn’t want to press charges. ”
“Are you regretting that now?” Julie asked. “Do you want to press charges?”
Sasha shook her head. “I don’t think so. How can I when it was my fault, too?”
“What happened after the flogger?”
“I hadn’t made it into subspace yet. I was close, I think. ” She sighed. “So much I’ve blocked. What I remember next was the pain. Searing. Like I was being burned over and over. All up and down my back. I tried to get away, but I was bound so tightly, I couldn’t move. And I kept yelling ‘red’ over and over . . . gagged . . . he couldn’t hear. ” She spoke through little hiccuping sobs and she kept closing and releasing her fist.
It took Julie a second to understand she was safe wording, releasing an invisible bell over and over.
Sasha blew her nose and continued, apparently through the worst part of the story. “They told me I passed out. Next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital. Apparently, my back’s in pretty bad shape. I’m afraid to look at it. ”
Julie took her friend’s hand and squeezed. “Oh, Sasha. ”
“I’m not even sure where he got it. I know he doesn’t have any experience in using one. ”
“What did he use?”
“A bullwhip. ” Her lower lip started to tremble and Julie knew whatever bravado she’d briefly put on had reached its limit.
Julie went about getting Sasha into a comfortable position, all the while trying to keep her own feelings at bay. Nothing worked; in her mind she kept seeing Sasha bound, gagged, and desperately trying to safe word. After a while the image morphed and she was the one struggling to break free.
• • •
An hour later she was still sitting beside Sasha’s bed when Daniel came back. He didn’t say anything; he simply walked across the floor to stand beside her. His hand rested lightly on her shoulder.
“When was the last time you slept?” he asked.
“I can’t remember. ” She didn’t remember anything except Sasha’s fingers fluttering uselessly for a man who wasn’t paying attention.
The hand at her shoulder tightened. “You can’t be strong for her if you don’t take care of yourself. ”
“I’ll sleep later. ”
“She told you. ”
“Yes. ” Her body shook, remembering.
“Come here, baby. ”
He barely had the words out when she pushed the chair back and flung herself into his strong embrace. In his arms, she finally let her guard down and allowed the tears to flow. He held her, whispering things she couldn’t make out, but that soothed her just the same.
“Why?” she asked when she could speak. “I don’t get it. You said a Dom cherished his sub above all, guarded her with his life. How could he do that to her?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t had a chance to discuss anything with him in detail yet, but I will. ”