Right, it dawned on me. Siblings.
“Wait, what are you–?” Clara began.
“They’re happy that we’ve accepted each other as part of the family,” I hinted.
Realization crossed Clara’s face. “Oh, right. That’s right, big brother.”
When she followed that up with a nervous chuckle, I spotted our parents glancing at each other strangely. I decided to quickly avert the topic.
“So, what are you doing first, now that you’re back?” I asked.
“Oh, well,” Sarah answered for them, “William is going to move into the house… we’re hiring some movers to pack up and shift everything over. The essentials, at least.”
“That’s right,” he agreed. “I’m going to keep an office in the spare bedroom, but there’s not much point in me continuing to pay that expensive lease. I’ve already spoken with the owner, and we’ve come to an agreement…”
I let them prattle on about the future while Clara stayed focused on the road. She wasn’t really paying attention to their conversation, and it was obvious that she had been slightly rattled by the exchange earlier.
The car ride seemed like it dragged on for ages. However, after an hour and a half (dragged out by rush-hour traffic), we were dropping them off at Sarah’s house. I gave them a quick hand with the bags before jumping back into the car and getting rid of them again.
“What a nightmare,” I shook my head.
“Yeah, tell me about it,” Clara quietly added.
I turned to her, afraid that she had been shaken by the conversational mix-up earlier but, to my surprise, she was giggling instead.
“What is it?”
Clara began laughing in earnest. “How stupid was that? We thought that they were saying they wanted us together? God, it was so ambiguous! I could die, right here and now!”
We shared a hearty laugh.
“Yeah, that was awful,” I replied as we headed back towards the interstate. “But at least it’s over now…”
The feeling of crushing tension seemed to have mostly dissipated, although I felt it linger just a little. To my satisfaction, though, Clara seemed well adjusted after the car ride. In fact, she seemed to shrug off the weirdness of it altogether – something that probably would have rattled her and come between us before.
A few hours later, after a hearty session of sex in her bedroom, we were curled up together and everything was right with the world once more. I thought perhaps that it was time for a real heart-to-heart, given what we had been able to laugh off during the afternoon.
“What are your goals?” I asked her, stroking her hair lightly as she lay against my chest. “I don’t know what your plans are, or what you want from life… why don’t you tell me?”
I felt Clara smile against my skin.
“You mean, like, for the future?” Clara asked. “I already answered that. I want a future with you.” She planted a quick kiss against my shoulder.
“And I with you,” I replied, “but surely there’s something else you want out of life. I don’t really expect you to have figured out what you’re doing with your future, but I’ve got a few years on you.”
“That’s right, old man,” Clara teased. “You’re getting up there. Gotta get your intentions for the days ahead set in stone.”
“At twenty-six years old? Something like that, yeah,” I nodded. “But you first. What are your plans?”
“Nothing in particular,” she shrugged.
“Nothing at all?”
“What can I say?” Clara answered. “I mean, I’m only into my first year of college. Right now, I’m going for a biology major, but who knows what I’ll be wanting to do in a year, maybe two. As for now… all I’ve ever really wanted to do was get away from here and start again, somewhere fresh.”
“You’re bored of it here,” I observed.
“Yeah. I mean, I’ve tagged along with Natalie once or twice when she’s gone on a family vacation, but that’s not quite the same… as much as I would hate to leave her, I’ve gotta figure things out for myself.”
“I’m kind of surprised,” I chuckled. “You leaving Natalie? I’ll believe it when I see it.”
She shot me a dirty, teasing look.
“Where do you want to go?” I followed up.
“I don’t know.”
“Out of the country?”
“What? No, definitely not,” Clara shook her head. “I’m fine with things just as they are here. When I say I want to ‘get away from here’, I mean that I want to leave the state. Go to a different city. Live a different way.”
“Nothing will teach you that like heading abroad,” I hinted.
“Nah. Doesn’t really interest me,” she insisted. “It’s dangerous abroad. Plus, there’s the whole matter of learning other languages, etiquette, customs… I’d like to keep it simple for the time being.
“Simple with you,” she hastily added.
I smiled. It was a nice thought, but I was determined to help her see things my way, particularly when I knew what she was about to ask…
“What about you?” she predictably continued the train of thought, softly kissing my chest. “What do you want from the future?”
A smile stretched across my face.
“Perfect world? I’d leave.”
She paused. “Leave? Like, go back to London?”
“Yeah,” I wistfully continued. “I’ve been stationed in a few different spots around the world, but mostly Afghanistan. Even in the more exotic locales… South Korea, Sweden, Germany… I could never really enjoy the culture. Not without the military breathing down my neck.”
“You want to see the world,” Clara observed, planting her lips on my neck.
“That’s right. But this time, I'd do it on my terms,” I elaborated, feeling my face harden with the thought. “No automatic rifle at hand’s reach, no combat fatigues. I step off a plane and backpack across Europe. I want to ride camels outside Cairo, eat proper ramen in a hole-in-the-wall dive bar in Toyko, and smoke myself silly in Amsterdam. There’s a great, big world out there, you know… and I want to see it all.”
I reflected on this a moment.
It had been so important to me.
Joining the Marines had only convinced me further that this was the right choice. I’d only gone from one fading superpower to the next. I needed to get away from America, even England, and see the rest of the world.
And I needed to do it independently of military protocols and combat zones.
“How long do you want to be gone?” She asked me, pulling my attention back downwards. “Can’t exactly knock all of that stuff out in a few weeks, unless you’re taking the express route.”
“As long as I can, Clara. I’d take my sweet time with it. Maybe I’d never come back.”
Something changed in her face.
Wait. Fuck.
Turmoil flashed in her eyes.
I reached down and drew her up my body. At my silent behest, Clara laid her head into the nook in my chest. Tenderly, I stroked her hair as I searched for the proper words.
“You asked what I wanted, Clara. And I told you the truth. But being here, with you… I couldn’t just give this up, not even for a second.”
“You need to do this,” she answered, almost mournfully.
“Before, I was convinced… but now…”
“Now what?”
‘Now what’ indeed, I thought for a moment.
“If there was any reason to stay, anything that could pull me from that path… that reason would be you,” I finally answered here.
The moment I saw that scared look in her eyes, I knew that I’d seriously fucked up.
Clara’s face lifted to meet my gaze. She looked terrified – a deer in the headlights, entranced but pulsating with crushing, absolute fear.
“Let me make my own decisions,” I told her gently, fighting down the concern that was swelling in my chest, desperately hoping to calm her down. “You leave that stuff
up to me.”
“No,” she told me, climbing up off of me. “That’s not good enough. I can’t do that.”
I leapt up off of the bed. “Wait–”
“No,” she insisted, throwing my hoodie back on. “You can’t just turn down that kind of dream for me. I won’t let you. I’ll never let you. I can’t be the reason you throw all of that away.”
I laughed in complete exasperation. “We get through an entire car ride with our parents, even with the most awkward fucking conversation ever, and it’s me wanting to travel the world that makes you lose your shit?”
Clara turned on me with vicious eyes.
“Look,” I prefaced her, “you told me just today – hours ago – that you’re committed to this cause. Clara, you gave me complete conviction that it was gonna be you and me against the world…”
“That was before I knew you had this dream,” she insisted. “You just heard me tell you that I’m not interested in that kind of a life. And now I find out that you are? And you have been for years? I can’t stand in the way of that. I won’t be the kind of girl to ask you to stay. It’s not happening.”
“Clara,” I repeated, firmer this time. I reached for her wrist, but she yanked it away, staring me down with hellfire in her eyes.
“No, don’t… don’t you even think about touching me,” she growled. “I refuse to let you do this. You have to go, Dalton. Live that life.”
“Clara, I don’t want to go. I want to be with you – to spend my days with…”
My words faltered as I watched her tremble before me. As Clara lifted a face brazen with furious, tear-brimmed eyes, I realized immediately what she really meant with those words.