‘Deal.’ Another hand squeeze. ‘Though what if he wants to be a ballerina?’
‘Does he have to be a pink one?’
‘His call.’
‘Fair enough. Pick our battles is what you’re really saying.’ He turned to her and placed his hands on her shoulders. ‘You’re awesome, you know that?’
Her mouth dried. About to shake her head, she stopped. If Conor thought that she’d take the compliment, enjoy it. Accept it. ‘I think we’re a great pair of would-be parents. I’ll make the rules and you follow them.’ She held her breath while waiting to see how he dealt with her joke.
He laughed some more. ‘Sounds like something my sisters would say.’
‘So I’m in with a chance with the Irish gang, then?’
‘I wouldn’t put you in the bonkers league but, yeah, they’ll adore you.’ He gave an exaggerated sigh. ‘And I’ll be in deeper trouble.’
* * *
Tamara stared at the image on the screen beside her. A tiny human floated before her eyes as she listened to the gentle rhythm of her baby’s heart. Her chest expanded, filling with love for this child. Her child. Hers and Conor’s. Blindly scrabbling around, she found Conor’s hand, grabbed it and held on tight, never taking her eyes off the baby. Words were beyond her. Probably just as well. She wouldn’t make any sense.
‘Will you look at that?’ Conor’s voice sounded all clogged up as he stared at the image. Their faces were reflected back at them from the screen as their baby moved in the fluid supporting it. ‘That’s my baby,’ he choked around some obstacle no doubt in the back of his throat.
‘Our baby,’ Tamara admonished in an equally starstruck tone when speech was possible. ‘Isn’t he beautiful?’
Now it was Conor gripping her hand tight, holding on like he couldn’t take in what he was seeing. ‘To think I believed I could forego becoming a parent. I didn’t have a clue. It wasn’t an easy decision, I admit.’ His free hand waved through the air. ‘I don’t know what to say.’
‘Different from seeing your nieces and nephews after they were born, eh?’
‘Doesn’t come close. To think what I wanted to do to those condom manufacturers when you said you were pregnant. Now I could kiss them.’
Tamara continued watching the small movements on the screen as the sonographer pressed the wand deeper into her belly. ‘Guess you get to hear all sorts of weird and wonderful conversations while you’re doing scans,’ Tamara said to her.
She grinned. ‘You have no idea. You two are boringly normal.’
Normal was good. For them at any rate. So far not much else had been. ‘Is everything as it should be?’ Tamara asked with a hitch in her voice, her throat suddenly dry.
‘Yes. Baby’s the right length for twelve weeks. The heart rate is good.’
Tamara relaxed. ‘That’s the best news so far.’
‘Do you want to know the baby’s gender?’
‘I do,’ Tam answered quickly, then looked at Conor. ‘Do you?’
‘Absolutely,’ Conor agreed. ‘We can’t keep calling the baby he or him without knowing for sure there’s a wee lad in there.’
‘You’re just thinking of the paint pails.’
The sonographer rolled the wand across Tamara’s stomach, staring at the screen as she found the view of the baby she required. ‘There you go. You’re having a boy.’
Wonder ripped through Tamara. A boy. Not he or it, but a boy. For real.
‘A son.’ Wonder deepened Conor’s accent. ‘Not that it would’ve mattered if we were having a girl.’
‘An All Black in the making.’ Except their son probably wouldn’t be growing up in New Zealand. ‘A soccer player or a rally driver.’
‘Not a ballerina, then?’ Conor grinned. Then he shivered and the excitement went out in his eyes, the colour faded from his face.
Tamara focused entirely on the man who was changing her life for the better. ‘Conor?’ Her hand gripped his tightly. She shook him when he wouldn’t meet her gaze. ‘Look at me.’
He shuddered.
Then she knew. He was afraid for his son. Leaning closer, she spoke quietly. ‘Forewarned is forearmed, remember?’ She turned to the sonographer now cleaning her gear. ‘Could we have a few moments to ourselves, please?’
‘Not a problem. I’ll print some images for you and then the room is all yours.’
Tamara waited impatiently. Yes, she wanted those pictures. But right this moment she needed to talk to Conor, to help him past his fear. This time she had to be the strong one, had to ignore her own worries about baby’s heart. For now anyway.
The door hadn’t closed behind the technician when Tamara lifted Conor’s cold hand to her lips and placed a kiss on each knuckle. ‘You have every right to worry, Conor, but do you really want to spend the coming years going around in a cloud of doom and gloom when you could be enjoying so many things with your son?’
‘A son whose life might be taken in an instant.’
‘A son who will most likely annoy the hell out of you as he grows up and who will give you equally as much pleasure and joy and pride.’
‘How can you believe that without being terrified something will go wrong?’
‘I have to. I can’t let fear dictate, otherwise our son’s life will be a misery. I’ve lived that life recently, and it’s a waste of valuable time. A complete waste.’
Winter was in the blue eyes that connected with hers. ‘I wish I had half your strength.’
‘You do.’
His eyes widened. ‘I panic.’
‘Sure you do. I go crazy if I see a spider. Not in the same league, but in the end just as pointless and just as uncontrollable.’ As had been Peter. It wouldn’t have mattered if she’d not done as he’d bidden, he’d have found a way to steal everything from her and her parents.
The tip of Conor’s tongue slid along his lips. ‘You’re good for me, you know that?’
‘Keep believing that and we’ll get along fine.’ She was learning to accept how good Conor was for her too. They were making progress.
CHAPTER NINE
‘WANT TO GO to the mall in the morning?’ Conor heard Kelli ask Tamara over the noise of their work friends at the pub. ‘The shops are filled with new summer styles.’
He stared into his water glass as he waited for her reply. Not that he’d asked Tamara to do anything over the weekend yet. He’d been leaving that until they were alone. If they got to be alone tonight. Cel
ebrating Michael’s birthday and then the news about their baby had become a long haul even when drinking nothing more innocuous than water in deference to tomorrow’s race. The night was taking its toll on Tamara. She looked exhausted, but also the happiest he’d seen her in a long time. If not ever.
‘I thought I’d go and watch Conor run his race in the morning.’
‘Are you serious?’ Conor asked without thought.
‘You don’t want me there?’ Tamara asked around that smile that hadn’t slipped once since leaving Auckland Radiation Services.
And before it did he answered, ‘It’s more than all right, but be warned, you’ll be bored most of the time.’
‘I can stand with other bored onlookers.’ That smile grew, filled with warmth and something else. Something more than affection? For him?
Hard to know. Tamara hid her feelings well. Like he did. But then he didn’t know his feelings for her. Couldn’t fathom them, knew he wanted to be with her always, but did that mean he loved her? There was this lurking sensation in his gut that once he admitted he might, she’d sense his change and withdraw when he’d only just got her onside. Plenty of time to think about this. ‘You’d prefer that to a mall filled with shops and sales? You’re nuts.’
‘I get to spend time with you, don’t I?’ The smile softened further.
‘I know when I’m not wanted.’ Kelli rolled her eyes and headed to the bar.
‘Something’s up with her.’ Tamara’s eyes tracked her friend.
‘Go with her tomorrow if you’re worried.’
‘As much as I’d like to, you and I have a lot to work through and for baby’s sake that’s more important at the moment.’ Her hand lay on her tummy while her gaze was still on her friend. ‘I’ll see Kelli during the week. It’s her grandfather’s birthday on Sunday and I know everyone’s worried about his health.’
‘But you think there’s something else?’
‘It was the sadness in her eyes when I told her about our baby. Like she believes she’ll never have the same opportunity.’
Conor leaned close, and kissed the corner of her mouth. ‘You know what that’s like.’ Another kiss. ‘And look how it’s turned out for you.’