Kisses he’d love to follow up on. To turn away from their problems and lose themselves in each other. But nothing would’ve changed, might even be harder to work through if they did that. Could have him aiming for the moon, and not only working to make everything okay for their baby. Hauling the brakes on his libido, he answered her question. ‘Nothing, absolutely nothing.’
Disbelief filled her eyes. ‘What are you on, buster?’
‘Adrenalin.’
Another aspect of Tamara filled his mind as he looked across at her. Laughing, sexy, fun Tamara letting her hair down with him as they made love. And they’d made a baby apparently. The tension in his stomach turned to goo. He was going to be a dad. The decision had been taken away from him and now he had to go with it. Could go with it and imagine the excitement. Let it in.
I want to go with it.
‘I’m going to be a father.’ The love winding through him was beyond description. For so long he’d refused to contemplate becoming a parent and now it was happening regardless. So, yes, he was starting to see it for the wonderful opportunity it was. Not that he was foolish enough to believe the worry wouldn’t be huge, hold him down at times, but Tamara had been right to point out there was more to becoming a parent than the apprehension.
‘Weren’t we talking about food?’ Her practical question knocked him back into the here and now of finishing their day on a normal note.
‘Yes, and I’m starving.’
‘I can’t wait for a pizza delivery. There’s some steak and things to make a salad in the fridge.’
‘Let’s hit it.’ He hadn’t had dinner either, having been too wound up and needing to have everything out with Tamara to think about eating. ‘I’ll cook the steak. I don’t do a bad job.’
‘Go for it. There’s a barbecue at the back door, though I’m not sure if it works. I’ve never used it. Hardly seemed worth the effort for one small piece of meat.’
‘What’s the alternative?’
‘A heavy pan on the element.’
‘That’ll do.’
In the kitchen Tamara was opening cupboards, lifting out a pan, plates, salad bowl. All top-of-the-range equipment.
‘You have excellent taste in furnishings and utilities,’ he noted as he opened the fridge to find the steak.
‘They came from my parents’ home. I helped myself to enough to furnish this place before the courts placed a “to be sold” order on everything. But even then I think I’d have got away with going back for extras if I’d wanted. The receivers were more than kind to me after they heard what had happened. They didn’t believe I deserved to be thrown out in the street on my butt with absolutely nothing but the shoes I was wearing. By then they’d had time to study the business affairs and follow the money trail.’
Placing the steak on the bench, he went in search of cooking oil in the pantry. Go for serious or fun? ‘I’m trying to get around the vision of you sitting naked in the street wearing only a pair of shoes. It’s quite a sight, believe me.’
‘The neighbours mightn’t have approved.’ Tamara’s laughter filled the room, pulled them together in a cosy, let’s-be-normal kind of way.
Except it wasn’t normal for him. He didn’t share his kitchen with anyone. Or his lounge or bedroom. Tamara had been the only woman he’d taken back there.
‘Bet they would. You forget I’ve seen that butt and it’s quite something.’ Not that he wanted to share the experience with anyone else. Didn’t want another man knocking on Tamara’s door anytime. Down, boy. Keep to the cosy and cook the steak.
‘Tell me more about your family.’ Tamara was chopping a red onion at a frenzied rate that had no consistency behind it.
Fearing for her fingers, Conor placed his hand on her wrist. ‘Stop, woman. You’re going to do yourself an injury at that rate.’ He tugged the knife free and began systematically dicing the onion. ‘What else do you want sliced?’
‘All of these.’ She placed tomatoes, cucumber, capsicum, a carrot and celery on the bench before digging through the vegetable bin again.
‘The steak’s on hold while I do this.’
‘You worry too much. I’ve been chopping vegetables for years and still got all ten digits.’
He turned to her question about his family. ‘I’ve got four half-sisters and they’re all bonkers. I adore them, and wouldn’t swap them for a saner variety.’
‘That’s cool. Are their kids normal or—’ she made finger quotes ‘—“bonkers”?’
‘Still up for debate. The brothers-in-law are leaning towards bonkers, but they’re not fazed either way. The kids’ ages range from two to seven. They’re so much fun. So cute and crazy.’ Oh, hell. The chopping stopped as he stared across the kitchen at Tamara. ‘I—we—are going to be adding to the Maguire brood. There’re going to be five grandkids for Mum to spoil.’
Tamara stilled, a pair of kitchen tongs in one hand, some mushrooms in the other. ‘Is that all right?’ Caution laced her question.
‘It’s more than all right. It’s—It’s wonderful.’ It really was.
As long as baby’s heart is fine.
Conor shivered. Go away. Let me enjoy the moment.
‘It is going to be all right.’ Tamara stood in front of him, her hands on his upper arms. ‘We’re in this together.’
‘But—’
‘But tonight we’re going to share a meal, acknowledge we’re going to be parents and just take in the wonder of that. There’s plenty of time to worry about what might or might not happen.’ She shook him gently. ‘Okay?’
‘That’s how I want to play it, if only this pesky little voice in my head would leave me alone.’ He was getting to share parts of him he’d never told anyone about. Not a good sign for his independence.
Tamara wagged a finger between them. ‘Pesky little voice, go annoy someone else. Tonight is ours. Not yours.’
Laughter began deep in his belly and rolled up and out between them. What a tonic she was. If he had to have anyone onside if things went bad then Tamara was who he wanted, needed. ‘How do you like your steak?’
* * *
Tamara placed her empty dinner plate on the floor beside her chair and watched Conor as he finished his meal. Letting him kiss her had been wrong. Kissing him back worse. But there hadn’t been a stop-go man in her lounge,
flipping his sign back and forth. Just her and Conor. Tired, and temporarily at ease with each other, needing to keep the truce running for as long as possible, she had to ignore the flare of need that kiss had evoked. The need that refused to die down even though they’d stopped kissing ages ago.
Why had Conor ended the kiss? His withdrawal had been gentle, but had left her depleted when everything sensible in her head—okay, not a lot—had shouted at her, Don’t do it! She had so much to lose. More than ever before. Yet her body had craved him, her mouth devoured his taste, her arms desperate to be wound around him, holding him. She’d made a baby with this man. Her body remembered every little detail, every spin of desire, every heightened sensation, the exquisite release of that night.
She wanted it again. Needed to connect with him in a deep, intimate way that showed they had made a baby together, that this was real. That it wasn’t another lie thrown at her by people she’d trusted.
Already she was beginning to believe, really believe deep inside that Conor meant every word he’d said so far about being there for her, not against her. Giving in too easily? Because she desperately wanted a man at her side to go through her pregnancy and the years to follow with? A man? Any man? No. Conor. If there was going to be someone at her side then Conor was the only man she’d consider. But they had hardly touched base on the issues ahead. That’s when her burgeoning belief in him might step back.
‘You’re awfully quiet over there,’ the man making her brain do somersaults said. ‘Should I be worrying about something?’ Conor looked so relaxed and at ease her own tension lightened somewhat.
‘No.’ Yes. He’d have a fit if he knew what she’d been thinking. ‘Just putting the day into perspective.’ Some of it, anyway. The tantalising part, the warm sizzle component of a long day fraught with landmines.
Conor hauled himself out of the recliner. ‘I’m off home so you get some shut-eye.’
‘That’s probably best.’ Unfortunately. She followed him to the front door, her heart getting heavier with every step, lonelier with every breath.