By remembering the anguish in Mam’s face at Sebastian and Dad’s funeral. One funeral, two coffins, two goodbyes. Half the family gone. ‘Some things just have to be done, and for me it’s running endless kilometres. Don’t know what I’ll do when the body doesn’t want to pound the pavement any more.’
‘Take up go-go dancing.’ Tamara flicked him an uneasy glance, like she didn’t want any more bad news yet had to find out. ‘So. Our baby. What are the chances our child will have a heart problem? Is there any way we can find out or do we have to wait until a cardiac event happens?’
She’d got to the crux of the matter. The reason why he’d determined never to have children in the first place. ‘I didn’t explain properly. My brother didn’t die of a heart attack but as the result of being in the car Dad was driving when he had his. The car went over the bridge onto the rocks thirty feet below.’
‘That’s a rough deal,’ she gasped. ‘Your poor mother. And you. How did you cope? Hell, Conor, I’m burbling. I don’t know what to say. It’s awful.’
‘Yes, it is. So you’ll understand when I said I couldn’t have children. There’s no way I wanted that happening to my family again.’
‘I get that completely. But now you are going to be a dad so we have to talk about our child’s medical future.’
He tapped his fingers on the arms of the recliner he sat in. ‘It will be a wait-and-see approach for now. Who knows? Medical knowledge is progressing all the time so things could change. But I’ll have junior checked by a cardiologist from the moment he’s born.’ Now he was going with the male thing. ‘Or before if it’s thought necessary.’
‘We will.’
‘Sorry.’ He wasn’t used to factoring someone else into his decision-making.
Her hands splayed across her belly. ‘We’ve got knowledge on our side.’
Conor reached for her hands. They were cold and shaky. ‘I’ll talk to one of the cardiologists in the next couple of weeks. One step at a time, eh?’ And he’d keep his fingers crossed all the while that nothing ever went wrong for junior.
‘You’ll talk to someone? Excuse me, buster, but I am as much a part of this as you.’
Conor winced. He’d done it again. ‘This is as tricky for me to negotiate as it is for you to take in.’
Tamara nodded as her hands tightened around his. ‘I get that.’ She gulped. ‘I’m afraid.’
His chest felt as though it’d been slammed. Tamara afraid? ‘Why?’
Her eyes widened. ‘Can I do this?’
‘You? Tamara, you’ll be amazing.’
‘I always wanted children, to have the kind of warm, loving family I grew up in.’ Another gulp. ‘Until Peter, that is. I got him so wrong. How can I—or you—trust me with a baby? To steer a child through to adulthood? I’m not qualified. I make dreadful decisions.’ The words were tumbling out as though she had to say all this fast in case she froze.
Yep, that man had a lot to answer for. This kind, wonderful woman was a blithering wreck behind the confident nurse’s façade. ‘You’re better than that. Don’t let him continue winning.’
‘I’m trying not to.’ Her bottom lip trembled, reminding him of a little girl he’d treated a couple of days ago with a greenstick fracture to her ulna. Only it was Tamara’s confidence that was fractured here. And, he suspected, her heart.
He’d have to nurture her, show she was capable of giving love and receiving it back. Huh? Love had nothing to do with their situation. Or did it? He’d been intending to leave Auckland to get away from her, and that hadn’t been because he couldn’t stand her. But to do that meant getting close. Not happening. ‘You don’t need qualifications to be a parent, just love and patience and understanding. Kindness. Sympathy. You’ve got the lot, Tamara.’ Conor stood up to pull her to her feet so he could wrap her in a hug. ‘Take that determination you had for applying to med school into this new scenario. You can do whatever you want if you don’t let the past shackle you.’ Definitely do as he said, not as he did.
Her head nodded against his chest. ‘I know. Some of the time.’
She fitted so well in his arms, against his length, as though made to be there. Which had nothing to do with their predicament. Or maybe everything to do with it, considering how babies were made. A deep breath in fed his senses with hints of spring and had him softening further into her, holding her tighter, closer. ‘You’ve got me with you on this.’
Tamara shivered, and tension crept into her arms. Too much?
Then his own words whacked him around the skull. He’d just made a commitment he hadn’t thought through. So withdraw it. No way. That wasn’t how he operated. He did not walk away when life got tough.
You left Ireland when you couldn’t face your sisters’ happiness, knowing you couldn’t join them in family life.
His fingers dragged through his hair. Okay, so what? He wasn’t leaving Tamara to face raising the baby on her own. Neither would he ever desert his child. Hell, now he was going to be a dad he should be looking forward to embracing the whole deal.
She told him, ‘We’ll keep a fierce watch over our child.’
Conor slowly let his arm fall away and stepped back. ‘I don’t want to repeat what happened to my brother.’
Those sweet, generous arms were back around him, and this time he was the one being pulled close. ‘Conor, you’re tormenting yourself over something you can’t control. I understand that’s why you’ve opted not to have a family but that’s changed.’ The words were whispered against his throat and were followed with a feather-light kiss. Then Tamara stood still, holding him, letting him hold her, as they absorbed strength and comfort from each other. At least he hoped he was giving Tamara as good as she gave him, because it felt right, and she needed good as much as he did.
Finally, as though there’d been a signal, they stepped apart and sat down in their respective chairs. Conor watched Tam closely, glad to see nothing to suggest she wanted him gone, out of the picture because of his history. He risked, ‘We’ll sort all this out but no more tonight. We’re both exhausted.’ He still needed to get his head around the fact he was going to be a dad. And then there were decisions to make. Only that morning he’d had an email from Sydney about a second interview for the job—this time face to face. The job he’d been excited about and still wanted.
‘At least I’m not on my own.’ Relief warred with worry in that brown gaze fixed on him.
Hopefully Tam would move to Australia with him if he got the job. That would solve everything about how to jointly raise their child. ‘You’ve told no one else you’re pregnant? Not even Kelli?’ When she shook her head he asked, ‘What about your mother?’
Her face tightened, and she sat up straighter. ‘We don’t communicate.’
‘At all?’ Didn’t sound like there were many people in Tamara’s life to support her.
‘I tried tonight. She hung up the moment I said hello. That’s how it works with us.’
‘Because of what happened with your fiancé?’
Her nod was sharp. ‘Mum was so hurt by it all.’
As her daughter had been. Conor smiled into that worried face and changed the subject to something lighter. They’d had more than enough doom and gloom for one night. ‘Have you eaten?’
A blush crept up her cheeks. ‘Ah, no. I could go for a pizza delivery right now. All I had today were those pastries for lunch.’
Yes. Her eyes were lightening, the mud shade beginning to sparkle just a little bit, reminding him of cocoa this time. He hadn’t realised how much he’d needed to see that twinkle and how special it was when it happened.
‘Your propensity for takeout food’s interesting. Going to feed baby on Indian curries before he’s twelve months old?’ More than once he’d seen her hoeing into a korma at lunchtime in the department.
‘If it’s good enough for Indians to bring their children up on spicy food, it’s got to work for mine.’ Now the sparkle was at full wattage.
On the inside he was melting, giving in to the wonderful sensations suggesting he might’ve found his soul mate. Suggesting he might not turn tail and hide from happiness. ‘You should bottle that look.’
‘What?’ Puzzlement tipped her mouth awry, and he just had to lean over to kiss her. To seal the day with a kiss? To show her they were on the same page? Two kisses. They hadn’t even started sorting all the obstacles in front of them. Three.
As his lips brushed hers again he felt her pushing closer, and deepening the kiss was a natural follow-up. Afraid she’d tip onto the floor, he grabbed her and lifted her onto his thighs. She was acting as if she wanted more, despite all her misgivings. Because she had plenty, that was obvious. Well, he was going to do all he could to see her through some of them, to banish or work them out of her system. She deserved someone on her side. Someone to bat for her, to hold her when the going got too tough. Someone who still had to figure out what had been dropped on him, and changed his world for ever. Right now he had no energy for thinking.
If you had to get stuck in the pregnancy situation then you couldn’t have picked a better, more gorgeous woman to be there with.
Conor straightened. Whoa! Where had that come from?
‘What’s wrong?’ Tamara asked as she tipped back against him, her fingers tracing her lips where he’d been placing those kisses.