‘I smother her from top to toe. So much she’s probably going to be vitamin D deficient instead.’ Hard to get a balance. Too much sun was bad, too little wasn’t great either. Just like everything else, steering a middle course often seemed like juggling a bucketful of balls all at once.
*
Marshall sat in Karen’s kitchen, his hands playing with an empty beer bottle. ‘Man, it’s hot.’
‘Hotter than New Zealand?’ Karen grinned.
‘It was toasty but nothing like this.’ He should never have told her about Charlie, but one night two months ago when he’d been to see her after returning from Afghanistan she’d been so down about Rod’s death he’d filled in the silences by talking about anything that had come into his head. As Charlie was always in his head, that’s who he’d talked about. Today he’d already let slip that he’d flown over to New Zealand to see her.
Karen looked over the rim of her wine glass at him. ‘How was Charlie?’
Hot. Sexy. Loving. Wise. And wishing for far too much from him. ‘Surprised to see me.’ Angry with him, pleased with him, and very disappointed. No surprise there. He’d walked away with a very heavy heart. Now a shaft of jealousy crawled through his gut at the thought of her following through on his stunning piece of advice to find another guy.
‘In a good way?’ Karen wasn’t letting up.
‘Yep.’ Then the words he’d been holding back, telling the news he’d wanted to share with someone since he’d got back to the States, spewed out. ‘We have a daughter. Aimee. Eighteen months old and the cutest little girl I’ve ever met.’ And he missed her as much as her mother. Pulling out his phone, he showed photos of Aimee and Charlie.
Karen’s eyes stuck out as if they were on stalks. Her mouth curled into a soft smile. ‘Wow, what a little cutie. Got her daddy’s eyes.’ The smile widened. ‘I’m guessing that’s Charlie. She’s beautiful, too. When do I get to meet them, huh? Are they coming over here?’
‘What’s this? A quiz show?’ Why had he opened his goddamned mouth? Shoving his chair back, he headed for the trash to dump the bottle.
‘You bet it is. If Rod was here you’d be spilling the beans to him.’ Her voice caught, and twisted his heart at the same time. Her brave face had been all for show.
Spinning around, he crossed to lift her into a gentle hug. ‘Take it easy.’ With a soft squeeze he sat her back on her chair and circled the table. He wanted that smile back on her face before he left, no matter how fragile it appeared.
‘Charlie and Aimee are not coming here. And I’m not moving to New Zealand. You know how it is with the army sending me all over the show. Hardly fair on Charlie, is it?’
‘She said that?’ Strength was returning to Karen’s voice.
‘No. I didn’t give her the chance. We’re not going down that path. It’s too hard on everyone. Imagine how bewildering it would be for a little girl. She’d no sooner start to get to know me than I’d be off again.’
‘Better than not knowing you at all.’
‘Charlie will find someone else, a guy who can be a regular dad to Aimee.’ His gut clenched painfully. Another man raising his kid? Didn’t seem right from here. Neither did he feel ecstatic about another guy sharing Charlie’s bed. But what was a guy supposed to do if he wanted to protect those he loved?
Karen locked gazes with him. ‘I don’t believe I’m hearing this. What’s happened to you? Leave your brain in Afghanistan? Lose your nerve between battles? Come on, Marshall, you’re shirking your duty, never mind your heart.’
‘Not fair. You know where my duty lies.’ When her eyebrows rose he hurriedly continued before she could say anything else disturbing. ‘Charlie lives in the house where she was born. The only time she’s left Taupo was to train as a doctor. She works in the same medical centre as her father. Me.’ He stabbed his chest with a thumb. ‘The longest I’ve lived in the same place is fifteen months. We are completely incompatible.’
His tongue had got away from him again. It had been happening far too often since he’d returned from New Zealand and that woman who seemed to have stolen his heart and tipped his world upside down.
‘Never took you for a scaredy-cat.’ Karen gripped his hand. ‘I’ve lost my husband and lover, my kids have lost their father, but we will always remember him and know the love he shared with us. Did you know Rod had decided not to sign up again? He wanted to put us before the army. He believed in us, saw the army had many men, and that we only had him.’
She blinked. ‘Marshall, what’s staying in the army because of your perceived guilt over his death going to achieve? Nothing. You’ve got to stop blaming yourself for his death. He wouldn’t hold you responsible.’
‘He never told me he was getting out.’ Rod’s timing had sucked. He’d nearly made it. A shiver ran up Marshall’s spine. For Rod? Or himself and those he loved? Had he got it all wrong? Did his men need him or would any competent officer suffice? Certainly no one could take his place as father to Aimee, no matter what he’d told Charlie. No man could love Charlie as much as he did. But to walk away from his long-held beliefs, his guilt and start over?
Karen withdrew her hand. ‘I’m sorry. You’ve come visiting, and I appreciate that more than you’ll ever know. But I see you missing out on so much. Don’t you want to be with someone you love, someone who loves you back so completely you wonder how you survived before you met her?’
Time to get on the road. ‘Thanks for lunch, Karen. Call me if there’s anything you or the kids need, okay?’ He plonked a light kiss on her cheek. ‘Say hi to the boys for me.’ And he took his leave before she could throw any more offbeat ideas at him.
But her words followed him down the path. To love someone that much? He did love Charlie. That much. It was his love for her that kept him away. He was saving her from heartbreak. But it also hurt that he hadn’t been there for her through the most terrible time of her life. He might have a duty to his men but the one to Charlie and Aimee was bigger.
What did he really want out of life? He’d never made plans for his future past what he did now. Maybe he should be thinking about it.
Back in his motel room he stared at his laptop. Would Charlie mind if he gave her and Aimee an internet call? Why wouldn’t she? She’d said she loved him. Suddenly he knew that if Taupo was only a few hours away he’d hop a plane right now, go and see her, hug her small frame to his. But the people he cared about most were at the other end of the world, where they belonged.
And he missed them.
The screen came up and his finger hovered over the internet icon. Click. Click off. Charlie could be at work, or busy bathing Aimee. If he wanted to call her he needed to arrange a time with her.
Her number was on his cellphone. A simple text would sort out that problem.
Charlie came back so quickly he had to wonder if she’d been waiting three weeks to hear from him. Which made him feel bad. She was at home, available any time, but the sooner the better if he wanted to see Aimee.
Click. As he waited for the connection he rummaged through the small fridge for a beer, twisted the top off, gulped a mouthful.
And then they were there, filling his laptop screen with their smiles and chatter. He stared at Charlie, drinking in the wonderful sight. God, she was beautiful. That crooked smile, those teary eyes filled his heart with tenderness and need.
‘Hey.’ Aimee’s shriek filled the sterile room he stood in with wonder and love and warm fuzzies. Her arms waved at him and her cute face filled the whole screen as she leaned close to the computer. ‘Hello, Daddy.’
The beer bottle slid out of his fingers and crashed to the floor. Daddy. As beer spilled across the vinyl he stood transfixed. Daddy. Aimee had called him Daddy for the first time ever. In his chest his heart didn’t seem to know what it should be doing. Thumping, squeezing, racing, aching.
‘Daddy,’ his daughter shouted, her face puckering up at his lack of response.
Swallowing the sudden blockage in his thr
oat, he croaked, ‘Hello, Aimee.’ Huh? That was it? Your daughter calls you Daddy for the first time and you say, ‘Hello Aimee’? What’s wrong with you, man?
‘Marshall?’ The voice of reason washed over him, and Charlie’s concerned face slid into the picture next to Aimee’s grinning one. ‘You okay?’
Of course he wasn’t okay. Who would be? Had Charlie set him up? Taught Aimee to use the D word to knock him off his feet? Somehow he didn’t think so. She hadn’t used dirty tactics before so why would she start now?
Dropping onto a chair, he grunted, ‘I’m good. How’s everything with you? Not working too hard, I hope.’
Disappointment—or was it annoyance?—altered her voice, made it edgy. ‘No more than usual. I took Aimee to the public swimming pool tonight. She’s a little seal, flipping all over the place. We can go to the tepid pools when summer’s over.’ Charlie’s face was serious, not at all excited as it usually was when she was talking about Aimee.
He’d done that to her. He swore silently, then gathered his strength. ‘Aimee? Can you hear me?’
His daughter’s eyes lit up. ‘Daddy? Where are you?’
‘I’m a long way away, sweetheart.’ Too damned far away. Bloody miles and miles. Even if he wanted to kiss her goodnight, he couldn’t. ‘Did you like swimming in the big pool?’
‘Yes, Daddy.’ Another ear-piercing shriek.
As Aimee chattered on excitedly he watched every nuance of expression on Charlie’s face. Something was wrong. She blinked too often. Her cheeks were stained red, like she’d been crying. The skin beneath her eyes was swollen.
He wanted to cut across Aimee’s chatter to ask what was up but understood he had to wait.
When Aimee finally got bored with talking to the computer she got down and headed away without a backward glance, and he felt a moment of disappointment despite needing to talk to her mother.