We, not I. Noah kept that to himself. No point in aggravating her. There were more important things to say once they were out in the warm conservatory.
Within minutes Holly had fallen asleep and Anastasia led him out and closed the door quietly, leaving behind a monitor so she’d know if Holly cried.
‘Would you like a glass of wine?’ he asked.
‘That’d be nice.’ She still wasn’t as relaxed with him as she’d been other times. Because Holly was here? Or something else?
When they were sitting, glasses in hand, he asked, ‘What made you want to be a nurse?’
As they chatted about everyday subjects the tension left Anastasia and she became animated in the way he adored. Listening to her talking about her need to be the best in her nursing class, why she loved dancing so much, how her dad had taught her to be strong through his own traumas, reinforced why he loved her.
And then she asked, ‘Are you settling back into London life?’
There’d been too many shocks for that. First the extent of Robert’s debts and what Noah was expected to do about them, then learning he was a father. And especially his feelings for Anastasia. They had blown him out of the water. ‘I’ve had too many other things on my mind to think about it.’
‘I guess you have a lot on your plate.’ Her hands were tightening.
‘I’ve finalised everything with Robert and got him out of the jam he was in.’ May as well let her know a little of his family’s problems. ‘He got into debt and needed me to save his butt. It’s what our family does. Up to a point anyway. I’ve now locked things up legally so he can’t go off the edge again.’
‘Fair enough.’
‘That was the main reason I came home, and once here I saw that if I didn’t stay to keep an eye on things, Robert would only make other mistakes.’
‘Then you bought into a private practice and took up the job at London Riverside.’ There was a sharpness creeping into her voice.
What was that about? ‘I am a surgeon. I’m not going to sit around not using my skills. What’s this about, Stacey? You seem upset.’
She locked her eyes on him. ‘I understand you’re busy, and life as you saw it has changed drastically with the advent of Holly. How do you see her and I fitting in with you?’
He sat up straighter, his chin lifting. ‘Actually, that’s one problem I have put some thought into.’
‘Problem? I see.’ Anger flashed across her face, gone as quickly as it rose. ‘I understand this has been a shock, but if we’re being designated to the problem basket then please don’t give it another thought. We’ll be on our way home and out of your way for good.’
Damn. He’d gone and blown it. He needed to approach this slowly, carefully. ‘Anastasia.’ She winced. ‘Stacey, I didn’t mean it like that. You’re not a problem. It’s just that there are no simple answers. I’m getting comfortable with being a father and want to have a bigger part in Holly’s life.’
She continued to watch him without saying a word. Waiting for what?
‘And I want to be a part of your life. I would like to share raising Holly as a family, not take turns. I’ve longed for a family to love and cherish, and I could have that with you and Holly.’ Deep breath. ‘Would you marry me?’ So much for slow and careful. But why procrastinate? He knew what he wanted. He’d admitted to himself he loved Anastasia, so there was no reason to hold back.
‘Why should I do that?’ Her words were sharp, like small pebbles slapping into mud.
‘We connect whenever we’re together.’ Except right now. ‘We could raise Holly together, living here so we both can be a part of her life every day.’
So I can see you, love you, share everything I’ve got with you.
‘You could become a full-time mum if you want to.’ Her expression was wary. He still wasn’t getting through. ‘You can have anything you want to make life easier. Think about it. Being married could work for all of us.’
‘I see.’
‘Do you?’ She wasn’t reacting how he’d hoped.
‘We’d live here?’
‘Of course.’ He waited, his fingers tapping the counter. Then when he couldn’t bear the silence any longer, ‘You’re not saying much.’ Not what he’d expected from someone who was usually talkative and cheerful.
She stood up abruptly. ‘I think you’re testing me to see what I really want from you. You’re wondering if I’m going to be like your ex. Well, news flash. I’m not. By the way, you left out any mention of a pre-nup, which I’m sure is part of the deal.’
What could he say? Behind his need to have Anastasia in his life lay the nagging worry he’d screwed up by not believing in her. He wanted to believe he’d laid that to rest, but here it was again, swinging in front of him.
‘As far as proposals go, yours needs a lot of practice. I’m not marrying you just to share Holly. If I’m ever to marry, it will be for one reason only. Love.’ She faltered and looked away.
‘Anastasia—’
‘My name is Stacey,’ she hissed. ‘Now, if you don’t mind, I’ll take Holly home. It’s been a long day for her.
‘And for me,’ he thought she muttered as she pushed past him.
Noah watched as she stormed out of the room. He’d turned the day cold in the last few minutes. He’d got it all wrong. His heart ached for the missed chance of happiness. Instead of telling her his feelings, he’d gone about his offer like a business proposal and not a loving marriage one, not a declaration of love. Stacey would not give him an opportunity to redeem himself. Now that he’d blown it, he understood how much he wanted her in his life, at his side, as his wife. Because he did love her so much it was impossible to breathe properly any more.
* * *
‘Here, have this seat.’ A man stood up as Stacey entered the train carriage holding on to Holly and the stroller, with her heavy bag slung over her shoulder.
‘Thank you so much.’ She couldn’t find the strength to argue, neither did she have enough energy to stand for the ride home. She didn’t think she’d ever feel strong again after Noah had decimated her hopes so quickly and sharply. Sure, she could have said yes and married him. For what? There was no mention of love, and that’s all she ever wanted from a relationship and marriage.
Love came with understanding, caring, sharing, support. Not a cool hope that they could live under the same roof while seeing their daughter had the life she deserved. Because there was no chance of that when Noah didn’t love her. Holly was different. He genuinely loved her already. Like it had been for her when Holly was born, he’d fallen for his daughter quickly. But that wasn’t a reason for her to accept his proposal.
Stacey hugged Holly. The last thing she was interested in was his money. It hurt that he might have thought so for one minute. She loved him beyond reason. Living with him, sharing a bed with him as his wife, would be unbearable since he obviously didn’t have the same feelings for her. At least she knew where she stood. On the outside. Alone with her love.
She gave a cynical huff. When it came to men she never got it right. She’d loved Angus and look where that had got her. Now she loved another man who only wanted her to stay around for all the wrong reasons. Angus had been right about one thing: their love did lack the passion he’d found with his new partner, and which she’d discovered with Noah. Noah was wrong to think they could be together long term with only passion and not love to live by.
Holding Holly tight, she watched the passing roads and buildings without seeing them. Now what? She worked with Noah, had to face him every d
ay. Had to figure out how to share their daughter without becoming angry or hurt every time she handed Holly over.
Her stop came far too quickly. She wasn’t ready to go home. One look and her parents would know what had happened. With Holly in the stroller she headed out of the station and down the road in the opposite direction of home.
‘Damn you, Noah Kennedy. Why couldn’t you be an ordinary guy who didn’t make me feel vulnerable? Didn’t steal my heart? Why did you have to return to London, and the hospital where I work? What was wrong with any of the other hospitals in the city? Or even staying in Auckland?’
She bumped into a woman and received a glare.
‘Sorry,’ Stacey muttered, aware she hadn’t been looking where she was going. She was outside a café buzzing with people. An open fire tempted her in out of the chilly air, and she found an empty table at the back of the café. After ordering herself coffee and a biscuit for Holly, she sat down and stared at her clasped hands. This was her fault for thinking Noah might return her feelings. Once again she’d been naïve. They’d had great sex one night three years ago, and had then repeated it since finding each other again. Not a lot to go falling in love on. But people did fall quickly. She’d read about it often. Seen it with her close friends.
Noah’s life was the polar opposite of hers. He was wealthy, she barely made ends meet. They both cared about people and looked after them. She had a close family, he didn’t. His aunt and uncle were cold, and from what he’d told her nothing like his parents had been. Obviously he still missed them a lot. His wife had hurt him, hadn’t delivered on what he’d required from a marriage.
She could. She would. But she wasn’t marrying him if he didn’t love her.
Deep in her bag the phone rang. Not wanting to talk to anyone, Stacey ignored it.
But she couldn’t keep Holly out for ever. Finally she trudged home, pushing the stroller and wishing she hadn’t got out of bed that morning.