In the ward he found a nurse to ask if he could use their kitchen to make a coffee for Stacey and was told yes, and to take her a piece of the fruit cake on the bench.
‘Here, thought you might want something to drink.’ He placed the mug and plate with cake on the table beside her. ‘You haven’t eaten at all.’
‘Mum brought me some sandwiches earlier, but I’m not hungry.’ She was sitting with her knees under her chin and her arms wound tightly around her legs.
‘Try something.’ When he’d walked in she’d been watching Holly with such tenderness it had torn his heart in two. He knew that look from his childhood. It meant everything to him, then and now. Holly didn’t know how lucky she was. He pulled up the chair and sat down. ‘I’m sorry for being a prat.’ He wasn’t going to come out with things like he was still in shock, no matter how true they were. Excuses didn’t solve any of what lay between them.
Her gaze still on Holly, she shrugged. ‘It’s all right.’
It wasn’t. There was hurt in her voice, put there by him. ‘She’s doing fine, Stacey.’ Noah sat back quietly and watched the two females dominating his life as though he was guarding them, which he was in a way, though what from was another question with no answer.
‘Sure.’ Finally Stacey stretched her legs out, and reached for the mug. ‘Thanks for this. I wanted a coffee but couldn’t bear to leave Holly even for a few minutes. She might wake and panic if I’m not here.’
‘Your parents have gone home?’
‘Yes. They didn’t want to, but I insisted.’
‘You’re all so close.’
Finally she looked at him. ‘Yes, we are. Always have been.’
And I’d be a fool to forget that.
‘Feel free to ask me anything you need to know to make this real,’ she added, then she went back to watching over her daughter.
And he went back to watching over them both, with a lot of questions making themselves known in his head.
Stacey yawned and leaned back, closing her eyes.
Noah fought the urge to go across and kiss her cheek. Instead, he stood to gaze down at the beautiful girl lying in the bed attached to the monitor on the stand behind her. A weight settled over his heart. Not a painful one but sadness for the two years of her life he’d missed. He hadn’t been there to hold her when she’d arrived in the world, hadn’t kissed her or promised to love and care for her for the rest of his life. Hadn’t heard her first word or seen her first steps. Her giggles didn’t ring in his skull. He didn’t know what her favourite food was, if she slept all night or woke on and off.
‘Her favourite toy is Goggy, a well-worn teddy bear that has to go to bed with her every night or there’s hell to pay. Mum’s bringing Goggy in with her tomorrow.’
Noah smiled. ‘Goggy, eh?’
‘There’s a doll named Jack after her best friend at day care.’
He laughed. ‘Does Jack know that?’
‘Yes, but I don’t think he realises what it means or their friendship might be off.’ Stacey sat up straighter.
Noah turned to look at Stacey. For the first time since they’d caught up no reminiscing smile came his way. But at least she continued giving him snippets about their girl. ‘Holly loves butterflies and frogs, hates cornflakes and eggs.’
Returning to his chair, he waited for more as the heaviness inside him lightened.
‘I can push her on the swing for half an hour and it’s nowhere near long enough. Brushing her hair is an ordeal for everyone. Though a couple of months ago she found the kitchen scissors and cut off large hunks.’ Stacey’s mouth twisted into a cute smile filled with reverence for Holly. ‘She’s a little minx. Uncle Toby is fair game for having his clothes hidden in the same place behind the couch every day, while Granddad is a sucker for cuddles and sweets whenever I’m not looking. Grandma is the kiss-it-better go-to when I’m not around.’
‘It must be hard going off to work every day, not knowing what you might miss.’
‘It is.’
‘Is Holly the reason you asked to spend time with me today?’
Her eyes met his. ‘Yes. I was going to tell you about her.’
Convenient. Or truthful. Judging by that steady look she was giving him, definitely truthful. ‘I see.’
‘I don’t think you do, Noah. When I saw you on Monday for the first time since all this started, I’ve known what I had to do, and that there was no reason to wait. As it wasn’t something to say at work or in a noisy café I thought meeting up at the weekend would be best.’
‘True. But—’
Her hand was up. ‘Stop right there. I always intended telling you. I don’t have the right to decide if Holly knows her father or not.’ She breath
ed in. ‘I was nervous, to say the least.’ Shaking her head, her lips curved into a small wry smile. ‘Here, with Holly injured and floating in and out of consciousness, I wanted you to learn your relationship to her so you could be here for her.’ Stray tears slipped down her cheeks and she brushed them away angrily.
It would be too easy to go to her, lift her into his arms and kiss away the distress darkening those beautiful eyes. He wanted to make her smile, and be happy again, and take away all her fears—especially those concerning him and what he wanted for the future with Holly. He wasn’t ready for that.
There was a lot to consider. Especially Anastasia and his feelings for her. He had to get everything right, not make half-baked decisions they might all regret later. Putting the past away for ever was proving difficult now he was faced with taking a giant step forward without any guarantees it would work out.
‘Tell me about your family.’ Her words cut through his turmoil.
‘Which one? My devoted, loving parents I still miss? Or my aunt and uncle who believe life is about being aloof and proper, and not falling head over heels in love, like my father did? According to Robert, if Dad hadn’t married Mum he’d still be here. It was her love of life and friends and family that had them on that road the night they were killed.’
He sounded bitter, because he still was whenever he saw friends falling in love and being so happy. Now Anastasia wound him up with hope, something he wasn’t certain if she reciprocated even in the smallest way. Yet whenever they touched, they fell together, no hesitation on her part.
‘You have a cousin in Auckland?’
‘His mother is my mother’s sister. Another happy soul.’
Stacey was watching him, a small smile lightening her face for the first time in hours.
‘What?’
‘You’ve got it in you to be like that too.’
Surprise hit. ‘You think?’ She was right, only he’d thought he had to find the right person to help him bring it out. Could it be he should’ve got on with being happy with his lot and let his relatives get on with theirs? Then he said something stupid. ‘I’ll take you to meet Robert and Alice next weekend. I have to sign some documents for them.’ That would certainly test Stacey. Hard to be cheerful around those two, and she’d get to see the mansion he’d spent time in growing up. That’d tell if she suddenly thought being rich might be a good idea.