‘How did you cope?’
I became someone else.
‘My friends, or those I’d believed were friends, added to the misery. We were all together that night.’ He explained what had happened. ‘I didn’t learn how they’d driven my car to the charity room until one of the guys admitted it all eight months later. I was embarrassed, then angry. My girlfriend had put a date drug in my beer. I’d always felt ashamed that I hadn’t known what had gone on, and the truth actually increased my shame. I was used.’
Placing her glass back on the table without taking a sip, she again locked her gaze with his. ‘That wasn’t your fault.’
‘True.’ He shrugged. ‘But how gullible was I to accept a beer that had been drugged?’
‘No one knows they’ve been given date drugs until it’s too late.’
‘The whole incident taught me to be wary of who I chose for friends.’
‘Why are you only telling me this now when it’s obvious it’s made you who you are?’
There was no holding her back on the tricky questions any more. It seemed the time he’d been away had made her tougher. Which he couldn’t fault. At least that had kept her safe from making mistakes. ‘It was a horrible time for me and my family, and when I fell in love with you I didn’t want to bring it into our lives. It changed me so much. I became wary of trusting people and yet you I totally trusted instantly. It was something I didn’t want to spoil. I had no issues with you believing me. It was more that I wanted to be accepted for who I was without all the bull dust attached.’
‘So you’ve never told anyone since it happened?’ The hurt tightened her face, darkened her eyes. She didn’t accept that he hadn’t told her.
Now he was about to make it worse, because he wouldn’t lie to Vicki. Not even if it meant she’d hate him. ‘Nathan has known for most of our friendship.’
‘I see.’
No, she didn’t. But he wasn’t going to grovel. He and Nathan had met when he’d still been raw from what his so-called friends had done and he’d wanted to test him. Quite the reverse to his decision not to tell Vicki. He should’ve done it the other way round, but then hindsight was all very well.
‘Has this got anything to do with joining the army?’
His sigh was low and sad. ‘Mum died before I was proved innocent. I always wondered if the stress killed her. In those desperate hours after her heart attack she apologised for not believing in me and said she was proud of me for being so strong.’
He swallowed as a picture filled his mind of his mother’s drawn, white face as she’d lain there, crying and apologising.
‘I was seventeen, and my mother was dying before my eyes. I couldn’t face that so I promised to make her more proud of me.’ A chill settled over him. ‘I was trying to keep her alive by giving her something to hold out for. Granddad had been awarded a military medal for his part in active service and she was always going on about him so it seemed the way to go.’
‘Why couldn’t you have told me that?’ Bleak eyes fixed on him. ‘I didn’t come into the picture at all, did I? How long was I supposed to sit back and wait until you were ready to include me in all aspects of your life?’ Her questions were stabs at his heart.
‘I got into the habit of not divulging things about myself, not wanting to bring my youth into my adulthood.’ He should’ve known not to do that after the way he’d been treated over the theft. ‘I’m so sorry, Vicki.’
She went on in a softer voice. ‘To be fair, I did wait quietly in the wings. So I can’t get angry at you for that. But I woke up after the miscarriage. I needed you then. More than I’ve ever needed anyone. That was our baby I lost and you weren’t available. I know other women have been through a miscarriage on their own; I never expected it to be me. That was when I understood I do not want a marriage where we’re not together most of the time. I grew up having family around me. I can’t live without that. I’m sorry too.’
‘It won’t happen again, I promise. You’ll always have me with you. I am not going anywhere without you again.’
‘So you say, but you’re still making decisions without talking through them with me. I’d thought we’d work this out. I was not expecting more shocks, Cole. I can’t handle it. I need time to think it through. You may as well return to Sydney and your interview early.’ She stood up and looked at him, sorrow written all over her face. ‘I wish this had worked out how we’d both hoped.’
‘What do you mean? Are you saying we’re over? Our marriage really is finished?’ He could hardly utter the words the pain was so horrendous. ‘Vicki. Don’t do this,’ he gasped.
Tears streaked over her cheeks. His beautiful Vicki was hurting as much as him. He stepped forward to take her in his arms, only to be stopped immediately.
‘No.’ Her breast lifted on a deep breath. ‘You need to stop proving to everyone else how strong you are and get on with living a life that’s true to you.’
She was right. He had been hiding from so much.
Vicki hadn’t finished. ‘I’m sorry. I am not ready to return to being a couple. I don’t believe we’ve really been one in the way I thought. So I guess I am saying we’re still separating.’ Then she turned and left him.
Cole watched her go, heading to her bedroom where they’d made love a short time ago. He could still feel her breasts against his chest, her moist warmth as he’d entered her. Would they ever do that again? Would she give him another chance? Pain lanced him into shreds. Vicki was his woman, the love of his life. It was impossible to accept she believed they were over.
He wasn’t going to. Taking a step in her direction, he faltered. He’d said all he could. There was nothing more to add. Vicki had to believe him when he’d said he was always going to be here for her.
But she didn’t.
Should he go and grovel? Beg for another chance? Or give her space and time to take in everything he’d told her? If he did that would she ever let him see her again? Ever talk to him again? Fear chilled him, lifted bumps on his skin, closed down the warmth of their lovemaking. They were so close, so far. This could not be happening. But it was.
Vicki believed he was wrong to make decisions without involving her. Maybe she was right, and he should’ve broached the subject of him applying for a position in Sydney. But he’d wholeheartedly believed he was doing the right thing by her, and himself. After all, she’d been making plans for her agency without telling him, and that had been going on longer than his application for the Rose Bay GP’s job.
Staring through to the lounge, his gaze alighted on Anna’s painting. It was superb. Filled with passion. As though by finally following her dreams, her heart had spilled out on canvas for everyone to share. A heart that was devoted to Marty and their children—as well as herself.
That’s what Vicki had intimated she wanted. To follow her dreams with him at her side. He hadn’t disagreed. Neither had he said let’s find the right place for the agency and he’d find a job wherever that was, because he was excited about his own possibilities in Rose Bay. It could be perfect for them both.
So could moving to Cairns.
The lights flickered. Stayed on.
He’d head home in the morning and give her some space so that hopefully everything would calm down and then they could talk again. They had to. It couldn’t end like this.
CHAPTER TEN
HAD SHE REALLY said that? Vicki lay on her bed, staring up at the ceiling, ignoring the tears filling her eyes. It had sounded selfish even to her, but if she wasn’t going to look out for herself, then who was?
Cole.
The pain in his eyes, tensing his body as he’d listened to her, had whacked back at her. She’d caused that. Hurt them both. There was so much he’d not told her until now. Yes, he would look out for her if she asked. He might even have heard how she felt over his choices. But apparently he’d found his
dream job and she doubted she could ask him not to take it. That would be like Cole asking her to give up the idea of her agency.
She could run it from Rose Bay. From anywhere really. Was she being too harsh? Expecting everything to go her way from now on? But that wasn’t what she was doing. She just wanted to have the life that suited both of them, where they could be happy again and she could stop worrying about being left on her own during the times she really needed support. She wanted to follow her dreams, and Cole’s. It could be done. If he was open to her ideas. He had sounded okay with the agency. Had he thought how it might impact on him, especially if they had a family?
The light flickered.
Vicki held her breath.
The flickering stopped, the light remained on.
She breathed.
They’d been lucky so far with the power still being on in Palm Beach. Damon had phoned earlier to warn her there were outages in other areas and it could happen here. Now that the rain was easing, perhaps there’d be no more.
Flicker.
Tempting fate, that was. Again she held her breath, again released it.
She was still in full, golden light.
Then she wasn’t. Darkness filled the house abruptly. Black. Dense. Frightening. Sitting up, she waited for some natural light to filter through the windows so she could discern furniture shapes and the doorway.
‘Vicki, you all right?’ Cole called along the hall. Then he was in the doorway, his shape darker against the low glow from a torch he held.