The phone rang. She stared at it. Was it Cole? No, it wouldn’t be. Hope rose, fell, rose higher, like a wave in a storm. Reaching for the instrument, she picked it up, stared at the screen. Her heart soared. Cole. Pressing the button, she banged the phone against her ear. ‘Hey, I’m sorry. So, so sorry.’ Like it was her fault. Who knew? Maybe it was.
‘Sweetheart, is it true?’
‘Why wouldn’t it be?’ As if she’d make up something like that.
‘I didn’t want to believe your message. Are you all right? I hope you’re not alone.’
Her eyes widened. Cole wasn’t exactly spilling his heart with support and love. Was she all right? ‘No, I’m not all right,’ she snapped through her tears. ‘I’m with Molly and Nathan, at their place,’ she added.
‘That’s good. They’ll take care of you.’ He really was a barrel of comforting words.
‘They can’t replace you. It’s your arms I long for. It’s you I need to hug and cry with, not our friends.’ Didn’t he get it? They were a couple. They shared everything.
‘Unfortunately, there’s not a thing I can do about it. The CO won’t let me go at the moment. There’s a mission starting tomorrow we’ve been preparing for that requires everyone on board,’ he explained. ‘It will take all our resources to pull it off.’
‘Cole, I’ve miscarried. I don’t care about your mission.’ Had they drifted so far apart that they couldn’t connect over this? She didn’t want to believe that. She loved Cole more than anyone, anything. Yet nothing about their relationship felt safe any more. It was as though she lived in a dark box and only came out when he was back in Sydney, when it suited the army to let him have time off. He’d chosen to sign up, never really explaining why, always fobbing her off when she asked, which irked, but as usual she’d let it go rather than start an argument.
‘Hang in there, sweetheart. I am getting out at the end of my contract.’
That’s for ever.
She swallowed the bitter taste in her mouth. She’d have to find it within her to see out the days and weeks. ‘Are you certain?’ Because if he changed his mind she’d never cope. ‘You don’t always tell me everything.’ There were things he never discussed, especially about his youth. Sometimes, when it got too much for him, he’d spill his anguish over some of the tragedies he’d seen with the army. She’d listen, try to console him, and he’d pull himself together. Once he’d told her she was the strongest woman he knew for taking him on. Maybe it had been Cole’s love for her speaking, because she hadn’t been that tough, though over the past year she’d tried to improve. Or so she’d thought. Today she was floundering.
‘I’m telling you I’m leaving the army. I will not have a second crack at it. I’ve done what I set out to do. I want to be with you, Vicki. More than occasionally.’
Her heart swelled with love. That was what she’d waited to hear for so long.
‘We just have to get through the next year.’
Her relief deflated like a pricked balloon at that reminder. It seemed so long. Time interspersed with occasional visits when they’d make love and laugh. Not a lot of talking happened, and then she’d go back to that box. ‘Then what will you do?’
‘It’s too soon to decide.’
Once again he wasn’t telling her anything. He must have been considering his next move. Cole didn’t make major changes without thinking everything through thoroughly. Fresh pain engulfed her. Where was his love? Not in his voice or words. All hope of him comforting her was deflated; left her cold and drained.
Her mouth dried as she whispered, ‘Cole, I don’t think I can do this any more. I married to be with you, not the wife in the background, available whenever you have a few hours or days to spare. To me, marriage is about having you around whenever my world flips upside down. To be there for you when yours goes haywire. To share everything.’
Oh, hell, what did she mean? Was she walking away from him? For good? Was that what she wanted? No, it wasn’t. She loved him. But she couldn’t continue with the way things were. It was only for another year, but then what? More Cole ideas she was supposed to fit in with? Her patience had gone from thin to non-existent. But? But could she leave Cole? Tough, remember? Lonely, remember? Alone, not lonely. Yeah. Lonely and alone.
‘Vicki, don’t say that.’ Panic flared in his voice. ‘Please, don’t, sweetheart. I know you’re going through hell right now, but I’m here for you. You know that.’
‘No, you’re not. You haven’t been here anytime I’ve needed you.’
Stop it, Vicki.
This was a conversation for when they were together, not over a phone. Therein lay the problem. When would they be together again? ‘The miscarriage is the last straw. I cannot live always waiting for you to show up. I need fixed plans to work towards, and to follow some of my dreams as well.’
‘Wait, Vicki. We’ll talk. I have to finish this duty. I don’t know when I’ll return to Sydney to see out my time but it will happen.’
‘We’ll talk? Over the phone? That’s great when it’s something as important as our future, as us. As losing our baby.’ Tears flooded down her cheeks. ‘I can’t sit back and wait for you to come home for a face-to-face discussion. I need to see you now.’
‘Sweetheart, you know that can’t happen. It’s impossible.’
‘Exactly.’ Life as she knew it was over. What she had to find out was how to make it unfold in the future. But not today. Today was raw enough without adding to the agony.
* * *
Cole winced as the line went dead. Vicki had hung up on him. After saying she doubted she could carry on with their marriage. Without talking about the miscarriage. A dull throbbing started behind his ribs. Vicki was the love of his life, his first reason for waking up every morning. She could not leave him. She didn’t mean it. She was broken-hearted about their baby. That’s what this was about. She was trying to cope in any way possible.
The pain in her voice had been like nothing he’d heard before, not even when her mother had been so ill no one had believed she’d pull through. Vicki’s pain had got deeper and stronger as she’d talked, adding to his guilt, creating a sense of failure for not being there with her. She needed him. More than anyone. And there was nothing he could do about it. His own pain scudded across his lips in a sigh. Once again he’d hurt one of the most important people in his life.
We’ve lost our baby.
Sharp agony squeezed hard, taking away his ability to breathe. Why was he here, and not with Vicki?
He had chosen this life to meet a promise he had made to his mother when he was seventeen. Along with two close mates and his girlfriend, he’d been accused of the theft of thousands of dollars from a local charity after a fundraising event. Not even his parents had believed him when he’d said he knew nothing about the robbery. All he did remember was the four of them going to the local park late that night where he’d had two beers while cuddling with his girlfriend. The next thing he recalled was waking up alone in his car outside his family’s home.
Many months later, one of his mates had confessed that the girlfriend had put a date drug in Cole’s beer to make him sleep, then had taken his car keys and driven herself and the other two guys to the charity building to steal the money.
The shame of not being aware of what had gone on around him that night and how easily he’d been used hadn’t left him. Only his granddad had stood by him, saying what had happened had changed his life for ever, but he mustn’t let it ruin his future. He had loved him for that more than anything. His mother had lost most of her friends and become stressed and anxious. His father, a criminal lawyer, had hidden behind his work, putting in ever-increasing hours and staying away from home. Even when they’d finally admitted they’d been wrong, his family had never returned to being their easy, loving selves. They’d let him down.
As I have Vicki.
&n
bsp; His gut clenched.
We’ve lost our baby. I’m not there for Vicki.
But he had to be here. It was the promise he’d made to his mother before he’d been exonerated and she’d lain dying in ICU after a massive heart attack. Desperate for her to live, he’d have promised the moon if it would’ve helped. Instead he’d said he’d make her proud by joining the army after he’d become a doctor, which had always been his aspiration. Granddad had been a highly decorated soldier, and Cole had also wanted to show him he was worthy of his belief in his grandson.