I push her away. She stumbles, hurt flickering across her face. I don't even know why I do it, except that getting close to her feels wrong somehow. Unfair.
"Almost there," I say to distract her. "Stay with me now."
As we get closer to the mountains and farther from the Roost, the rain thins out, replaced by thick mist.
The rock field levels and flattens into uneven terraces, the shelves interspersed with trees and scrub. I stop Laia and listen for sounds of pursuit. Nothing. The mist lays thick on the Jutts like a blanket, drifting through the trees around us and lending them an eeriness that makes Laia draw closer.
"Elias," she whispers. "Will we turn north from here? Or circle back to the foothills?"
"We don't have the gear to climb the mountains north of us," I say. "And Shikaat's men are probably crawling all over the foothills. They'll be looking for us."
Laia's face pales. "Then how do we get to Kauf? If we take a ship from the south, the delay--"
"We go east," I say. "Into the Tribal lands."
Before she protests, I kneel and draw a rough map of the mountains and their surrounds in the dirt. "It's about two weeks to the Tribal lands. A bit longer if we're delayed. In three weeks, the Fall Gathering begins in Nur. Every Tribe will be there--buying, selling, trading, arranging marriages, celebrating births. When it's over, more than two hundred caravans will make their way out of the city. And each caravan is made up of hundreds of people."
Understanding dawns in Laia's eyes. "We leave with them."
I nod. "Thousands of horses, wagons, and Tribesmen head out at once. In case anyone does track us to Nur, they'll lose our trail. Some of those caravans will head north. We find one willing to shelter us. We hide among them and make our way to Kauf before the winter snows. A Tribal trader and his sister."
"Sister?" She crosses her arms. "We look nothing alike."
"Or wife, if you prefer." I raise an eyebrow at her, unable to resist. A blush rises in her cheeks and blooms down her neck. I wonder if it goes any lower. Stop, Elias.
"How will we convince a Tribe not to turn us in for the bounty?"
I finger the wooden coin in my pocket, the favor owed me by a clever Tribeswoman named Afya Ara-Nur. "Leave that to me."
Laia considers what I've said and finally nods her agreement. I stand and listen, feeling out the land around us. It's too dark to continue on--we need a place to camp for the night. We pick our way up the terraces and into the dark forest beyond until I find a good spot: a clearing beneath a rock overhang, bordered by old-growth pines, their pitted trunks overgrown with moss. As I clear the rock and twigs from the dry earth beneath the overhang, I feel Laia's hand on my shoulder.
"I need to tell you something," she says, and when I look into her face I lose my breath for a second. "When I went into the Roost," she goes on, "I was afraid that the poison would . . ." She shakes her head, and her words rush out. "I'm glad you're all right. And I know you're risking so much to do this for me. Thank you."
"Laia--" You kept me alive. You kept yourself alive. You're as brave as your mother. Don't ever let anyone tell you different.
Perhaps I'd follow the words by easing her toward me, running a finger along the golden line of her collarbone and up her long neck. Gathering her hair into a knot and pulling her close slowly, so, so slowly--
Pain lances through my arm. A reminder. You destroy all those who get close to you.
I could hide the truth from Laia. Finish the mission before my time is up and disappear. But the Resistance kept secrets from her. Her brother kept his work with Spiro from her. The identity of her parents' killer was hidden from her.
Her life has been nothing but secrets. She deserves the truth.
"You should sit down." I pull away from her. "I have to tell you something too." She is quiet as I speak, as I lay bare what the Commandant has done, as I tell her about the Waiting Place and the Soul Catcher.
When I finish, Laia's hands shake, and I can barely hear her voice.
"You--you're going to die? No. No." She wipes her face and takes a deep breath. "There must be something, some cure, some way--"
"There isn't." I keep my voice matter-of-fact. "I'm certain. I have a few months, though. As many as six, I hope."
"I have never hated anyone the way I hate the Commandant. Never." She bites her lip. "You said she let us go. Is this why? She wanted you to die slowly?"
"I think she wanted to guarantee my death," I say. "But for now, I'm more useful to her alive than dead. No idea why."
"Elias." Laia huddles into her cloak. After considering for a moment, I move closer to her, and we lean into each other's warmth. "I can't ask you to spend the last few months of your life on a mad dash to Kauf Prison. You should find your Tribal family. . . ."
You hurt people, the Soul Catcher said. So many people: the men who died in the Third Trial either by my hand or because of my orders; Helene, left to Marcus's predations; Grandfather, fleeing from his home and into exile because of me; even Laia, forced to face the butchering block in the Fourth Trial.
"I can't help the people I've hurt," I say. "I can't change what I did to them." I lean toward her. I need her to understand that I mean every word of what I say. "Your brother is the only Scholar on this continent who knows how to make Serric steel. I don't know if Spiro Teluman will meet Darin in the Free Lands. I don't even know if Teluman is alive. But I do know that if I can get Darin out of prison, if saving his life means that he can give the Empire's foes a chance to fight for their freedom, then perhaps I'll make up for some of the evil I've brought into the world. His life--and all the lives he could save--to make up for those that I've taken."
"What if he's dead, Elias?"
"You said you heard men in the Roost talking about him? About his connection to Teluman?" She tells me again what they said, and I consider. "The Martials will need to make sure Darin hasn't shared his blacksmithing knowledge and that if he has, that knowledge doesn't spread. They'll keep him alive for questioning." Though I don't know if he'll survive the interrogations. Especially when I consider the Warden of Kauf and the twisted ways he gets answers out of his prisoners.
Laia turns her face to mine. "How sure are you?"
"If I wasn't sure, but you knew there was a chance--the slightest chance--that he still lived, would you try to save him?" I see the answer in her eyes. "It doesn't matter if I'm sure, Laia," I say. "As long as you want to save him, then I will help you. I made a vow. I'm not going to break it."
I take Laia's hands in mine. Cool. Strong. I would keep them here, kiss every callus on her palms, nibble the inside of her wrist so she gasped. I would pull her closer and see if she too wished to give in to the fire that burns between us.
But for what? So that she can grieve when I'm dead? It's wrong. It's selfish.
I pull away from her slowly, holding her eyes as I do it, so she knows it's the last thing I want. Hurt washes across her eyes. Confusion.
Acceptance.
I am glad she understands. I can't get close to her--not in that way. I can't let her get close to me. Doing so will only bring grief and pain.
And she's had enough of that.
XI: Helene
"Leave her be, Nightbringer." I feel a strong hand beneath my arm, forcing me away from the wall and upright. Cain?
Pale wisps of hair snake out of the Augur's hood. His wasted features are shadowed by his black robes, and his blood-red eyes are grave as he regards the creature. Nightbringer, he called it, like the old stories Mamie Rila used to tell.
The Nightbringer hisses softly, and Cain's eyes narrow.
"Leave her, I say." The Augur steps in front of me. "She does not walk in the darkness."
"Doesn't she?" The Nightbringer chuckles before disappearing in a whirl of his cloak, leaving the scent of fire trailing. Cain turns to me.
"Well met, Blood Shrike."
"Well met? Well met?"
"Come. We do not wish for the Commandant or her lackeys to overhear us."
My body still shakes from what I saw in the Nightbringer's eyes. As Cain and I leave Villa Veturia, I get hold of myself. The second we clear the gates, I wheel on the Augur. Only a lifetime of veneration keeps me from grabbing desperately at his robes.
"You promised." The Augur knows my every thought, so I don't hide the crack in my voice or fight the tears in my eyes. It is a relief not to, in a way. "You swore he would be all right if I kept my vow."
"No, Blood Shrike." Cain leads me away from the villa and down a wide avenue of Illustrian homes. We approach one that must have once been beautiful but is now a burned-out shell--destroyed days ago during the worst of the Scholar revolution. Cain wanders into the smoking debris. "We promised that if you held the oath, Elias would survive the Trials. And he did."
"What was the point of him surviving the Trials if he's just going to die a few weeks from now by my hand anyway? I can't refuse Marcus's order, Cain. I swore fealty. You made me swear fealty."
"Do you know who lived in this house, Helene Aquilla?"