“Is it how I look? Am I not pretty enough? Do you prefer another type? Maybe it’s my breasts—maybe because they aren’t as large as the girl in the bar? Is that it? What about me makes you treat me like a school marm? Please tell me so I can fix it!”
People were ignoring us. They walked right past us, and when I was done ranting, I realized I had just yelled all of that for anyone around us to hear. Someone called out, “I think you’re fucking sexy, baby. Come on over here.”
I tuned that out. This street was full of drunks. I was one of them apparently because I had just said stuff I’d never ever say sober. I had too much pride. Drunken Lila Kate had no pride. I wish I’d realized that sooner.
“You’re not cheap. You’re not easy. You’re like a rare fucking diamond. You want me? You want my attention? Why? I’m a mess. I can’t be what you deserve. I don’t even know how. And if I let myself touch you, enjoy what you just did in there, I’ll be ruined. You think you want me, but if you really knew me you’d change your mind. Then I would have had a taste of you and nothing would ever compare to that again. You terrify me. Scare me like nothing has ever scared me in my life.” His eyes were bright and wild. His hand was trembling as I dropped my gaze to stare at it, unable to keep our gazes locked. Everything else on him seemed tight. Stiff.
“I do know you. I’ve watched you my entire life. I’ve seen you at your worst and your best.” I didn’t yell those words. I just said them and let them hang there while I continued to let his words soak in. I hadn’t expected that from him. I still wasn’t sure if I might be dreaming. Could I be passed out drunk somewhere?
“I don’t do relationships, Lila.”
I lifted my gaze then. “I’m not asking for one.”
He seemed torn. His eyes narrowed. “Then what is it you want from me?”
I wanted many things. And I knew he’d never give me what I wanted. We would never have a happily ever after. That wasn’t Cruz. It never had been. “Now. Just now. This trip. Nothing more.”
He didn’t respond right away. He stood there staring at me like he didn’t believe me. He shouldn’t because I wanted more. I just knew I’d never get that. I wasn’t the girl to make him want more. He’d meet her one day and he’d change his mind. He’d be able to be that guy. The one who did relationships.
I’d heard my parents story a million times. My dad hadn’t been that guy either. My mom had been the one to change his mind. It happened to all of them eventually. I knew I wasn’t that one for Cruz and I should let it go and walk away. But I couldn’t. I wanted to know for just a moment. How it felt to be with him. There was a chance I’d get him out of my head and heart then. I’d move on and find someone else. That Cruz Kerrington wouldn’t always be in my thoughts.
“Nothing but this trip?” he repeated my words like a question.
I nodded.
“Did you hear the part about ruining me?”
I gave a small shrug. “We both know that won’t happen. I’m not the one. You haven’t found her yet.”
He frowned. “The one?”
“Yes. The one. The girl you’ll want forever with.”
He shook his head. “You’re messing with my head. I swear.”
“Are you attracted to me?” I asked him boldly. I could thank those double shots of whiskey for that.
“That’s not the point here. I don’t know if I can . . . can just have a fling with you, Lila. There are feelings there. I don’t like fucking feelings. Not with women. I can’t hurt you, and that’s what I’ll do.”
I took a step toward him, placed a hand on his chest. This was a gamble, but I was brave right now. I wouldn’t be in the morning. I’d gone this far I needed to push further. “You can’t hurt me if I know the rules. We enjoy this. Have a fling. Then move on like we’ve always been.”
He dropped his gaze to my hand. “What if you ruin me?”
“Take a chance,” I whispered.
“Fuck,” he muttered in reply. Then his hand wrapped around my wrist, and he jerked me up against his body. I barely had time to catch my breath before his mouth was on mine. The taste of our drinks mixed with the headiness that I had won. For now, I had this. It was my decision, and I hoped that this got him out of my system so that I could eventually move on.