Snapping her eyes shut, she prayed for control. She so wanted to hurl herself into his arms and beg him to make love to her again. But it was wrong. Completely wrong. Opening her eyes, she stared at him, forced a wave of need aside, and struggled to remain calm and focused. ‘You can’t possibly think we’re going to have an affair while you’re here?’
‘Unless you’re still in a relationship with your baby’s father, why can’t we get to know each other again? The chemistry’s certainly still there.’
He wasn’t listening. ‘I do not want a relationship.’ How blunt could she be? Did she need to bang him over the head to get him to understand? She leapt out of bed, fumbled around for her robe and shoved into it.
Grady stood, too, those thoughtful eyes watching her closely, hurt mingling with confusion as he asked, ‘Are you hanging out for the baby’s father to return to you? Because if you are, I would understand.’
A shudder rocked her. ‘I never want to see Freddy again. Of course, if he changes his mind about being a part of Flipper’s life then I won’t deny him access. She deserves a father, even Freddy.’ But move back in with him? No way.
His shoulders relaxed a little as he began dressing. ‘Sash—’
‘Stop calling me that,’ she all but yelled. Being called Sash undermined her determination to stop whatever was going on between them before it got out of control. If it hadn’t already. Being called Sash reminded her of so many things about Grady she did not need to remember as she fought to keep him at arm’s length.
That hurt in his gaze deepened. ‘Talk to me, Sasha. Tell me what’s really behind this? Do you not feel anything for me? Apart from the sex?’
Pain scudded through her heart. He didn’t deserve this. Oh, he’d been doing a good job of stepping up for her lately. But she had a child to consider, to put before him or even herself. And she’d do anything for her baby. Sucking in a deep breath, she let rip. ‘Just go, Grady. We are not meant for each other. Otherwise you’d never have dumped me.’
‘I did it out of love for you.’
Make it worse, why don’t you? ‘Sorry, I’m not buying into that.’ She brushed past him on the way out of her bedroom. She had to make him leave. Now. Before the threatening flood of tears won out over her precarious control. She headed straight for the front door, hauled it open, and shivered in the icy blast of night air. ‘Please, go.’ Her voice squeaked around that ball of tears.
He stood in front of her, his hands in his pockets, legs splayed and chest forward. His gaze was unwavering. ‘I did it for you, Sasha. Believe me.’
‘Really? You hurt me so much I went completely off the rails so that I nearly killed myself by pushing the boundaries too far. You did that for my own good?’ She was nearly screaming at him now and the words would not stop. ‘I have lived with the knowledge that the man I once loved with all my being did not love me back. Not enough anyway. He didn’t want to share his pain, his family, his future with me. I was only good enough for the fun times, not the real nitty-gritty living stuff.’
His hands slapped his hips, his fingers white where they dug in, but he didn’t step away from her tirade. ‘I believed I was looking out for you by giving you your freedom to get on with the plans you’d made for your career and future. You own the dangerous stuff.’
‘My future was with you.’ Nothing had been more important than Grady.
‘You’d dreamed of being a nurse since you were ten.’
‘I could’ve trained in Nelson while you looked after your family. Did that ever occur to you? Did you ever think to ask me if we could rearrange our plans?’ Her mouth snapped shut, her teeth banging hard. Her throat clogged with years of emotions. Those darned tears began falling. She had to get away from Grady. But more words spewed forth. ‘Of course you didn’t. Because apparently you didn’t love me. You do remember telling me that, don’t you? And now you have the audacity to say you did it for me.’
‘I’m not denying anything. I did tell you I didn’t love you because you wouldn’t listen to me. I—’
‘You’re making it my fault now?’
‘No, Sasha, I’m not.’ His hands gripped tighter. ‘It was a weird time. I was struggling to deal with Dad’s passing, with having to put my plans on hold and step up for Mum, and then there was you. I didn’t feel I could ask you to hang around waiting while I sorted my family out.’
Her heart squeezed. Not for her, but for Grady. ‘You could have said what you’ve just said now. We might’ve been able to sort something out.’
‘Would you have listened?’
‘I’d have done anything to be with you.’ Had she missed something back then? If she had, then so had Grady. He hadn’t understood what her love for him meant. ‘Anything.’
‘I couldn’t ask that of you.’
With one hand on his shoulder she pushed him out the door. ‘Go home, Grady. We’re done.’
That hurt was back in his beautiful eyes. ‘You’re sure about that?’
No. Not at all. It would be so easy to curl up against his chest and let him take over, be strong for her, love her. But the little girl kicking her tummy right now needed her to find her own strength. ‘Yes, I am.’
*
‘Meet me at the café for lunch,’ Jess muttered, as she walked out of the office at the medical centre.
‘Not hungry,’ Sasha muttered back, as she avoided bumping into Grady.
‘Maybe not, but you need some girlfriend time. You’re looking like hell this morning. Twelve o’clock. Don’t be late. I’ve got a full afternoon.’ Jess disappeared down the hall to the nurses’ room.
She could always rely on Jess to be honest. And bossy. ‘Too honest for your own good,’ she complained at her friend at midday as she slid onto a wooden chair in the café. ‘What’s this?’ She eyed the bowls of pumpkin and bacon soup alongside the plate of freshly baked bread rolls before her.
‘It’s called food. Something Flipper needs.’ Jess leaned back against her chair and studied her in a very disconcerting way.
‘What? Have I got bird droppings in my hair?’
‘What’s with you and Grady this morning? It’s like you’re both afraid to go near each other.’ No mucking about with Jess.
‘Sort of.’ Afraid of where another touch from Grady might lead, more like.
‘Spill.’ Jess spread a light dash of butter on her warm bun and bit into it. Her eyes lit up. ‘Heaven. Jonesy knows a thing or two about baking bread.’
About to take the diversion and run with it, Sasha hesitated. Stirring her spoon round and round in her soup, she thought about Grady and making love and kicking him out afterwards and how she felt she’d done the wrong thing. She did need to talk. ‘Grady stayed late last night.’
Jess looked funny with her jaw stopped in mid-chew. ‘As in he and you did it?’
‘Something like that.’
‘Either you did or you didn’t.’
‘Yeah, we did.’ Sipping the hot soup gave her time to rerun through her mind her final words to him. ‘Then I kicked him out. For ever.’
‘Why?’
Placing her spoon down on the plate, she gave up pretending to want to eat. ‘We talked about back when we broke up.’
‘That’s good. Isn’t it?’
Her shoulders lifted, dropped. ‘Probably. But he won’t accept that I’d have stayed with him if only he’d told me what was going on with his mother and sisters. He didn’t want me to give up my plans for him.’
‘Sounds kind of noble,’ said the voice of reason opposite her.
‘He didn’t give me any choice, made my decisions for me.’
‘I wouldn’t have left him. But I guess he knew that and that’s why he said he’d stopped loving me. Why didn’t I think about the whole situation, Jess? Why didn’t I ask him how he could say he didn’t love me when a week before he’d told me he’d die if anything came between us?’
‘Melodramatic, but he was only eighteen.’ Jess buttered another bun
. ‘Same as you. I don’t think we have all our brain cells functioning properly at that age, especially when hormones are involved.’
‘And now I’m dealing with babymones.’ Should she wait until Flipper was born to think this through? As if that would work.
‘Yep. Give yourself time, spend some of it with Grady, get to know him all over.’
Did that last night. ‘You mean all over again.’ Picking up the spoon, she tasted the soup and rolled her eyes. ‘This is yummy.’ Maybe eating wasn’t such a bad idea after all.
‘Want to go to the pub one night soon? Have some fun? I hear they’re doing a great milk and vanilla cocktail for pregnant women.’