Like you’re hanging around to notice?
His heart dived to his toes. No, but he could get something from knowing she was succeeding with moving on.
Not good enough, Harry.
It was the best he could come up with right now. He was not putting his heart on the line again, even if it had taken a hit these past couple of days. ‘There’s nothing to stop you carrying on with your list.’
Her gaze was fixed on something beyond the front of the car. ‘I hope you’re right. I’ve had a blast this weekend. But it’s also brought back memories of a past I’ve strived hard to keep under lockdown.’ Her finger was picking at the hem of her denim shorts above her knee.
‘You’re frightened?’
‘What if I can’t get myself back under control?’
‘Would that be a bad thing if it’s what you truly want?’ What was an out-of-control-out-of-bed Sienna truly like? Exciting? Enchanting? Infuriating? Guess he’d never know.
I’d like to know.
Again, his heart did a dive. Again, he ignored it.
‘I might not know where to stop. My father has never let me forget the time I said I wanted to take to the air and swoop over the world observing everyone and everything. It was a child’s fantasy that had nothing to do with real life.’ Pick, pick. There’d be no hem left if she continued.
But Harry kept on his own scratching. ‘Do you really want to live in a way that doesn’t make you happy?’ He needed to know this. It would explain Sienna better.
Sienna swallowed hard. Why was Harry pushing her? It wasn’t as if he’d done much more at sorting out his life. ‘Being a doctor is more important to me than going off for a day on a boat or driving to another town for a week.’ So was finding the love of her life and settling down to raise a family with him, but that was definitely under lock and key. Not going on the list. Her eyes slid sideways. No, Harrison was adorable, too easy to fall in love with—if she hadn’t already. He was the man she’d like in her life for ever, but he wasn’t available because of his own issues. Going there would be too frightening. But equally tempting.
‘You’ve been happy these past few days. Keep pushing yourself, Sienna.’
‘You’re great at handing out advice, aren’t you? Tried following any yourself?’
‘Yeah,’ he drawled. ‘I took you away for the weekend.’
‘You enjoyed it?’
‘You have to ask?’
Sienna shook her head. ‘No, I don’t. But that frightens you. You’re as messed up as me.’ But nor did she want to stop being with him, while Harry might walk away from her when they got home. Which was moments away.
Harrison nodded. ‘True, but there again, we went into this knowing there’s a cut-off point, and to make the most of our time together.’
That was what was starting to frighten her. D-day. If she didn’t want to stop seeing him now, how would she feel in a couple of weeks? Would her heart withstand the pain of letting him go? There were risks involved with living a well-rounded life.
Turning into his drive, Harry told her, ‘I’ll unpack and prepare some of that fish for dinner.’
‘Sure. I’ll take my bag home and grab some wine.’ She eased out of the four-wheel drive and, hands on hips, stretched up on her toes to relieve the tightness in her back from the ride, while ignoring the bands of worry in her head. Enjoy the moment, seize the night.
Minutes later she walked around the corner of Harry’s apartment and heard him saying, ‘When’s the start date?’
She paused, her heart nearly deafening her.
But not enough. Harry was saying, ‘That’d work in perfectly with me finishing here at Christmas. I said I’d never return to Melbourne, but there’s nothing else out there at the moment, and I need to leave Auckland.’
Sienna closed her eyes, trying to block out those words. Too late. They were pummelling her from inside her skull. He had to leave Auckland. Because of her?
Harry hadn’t finished. ‘It might be time I gave the old city a try.’ A pause, obviously listening to his caller. Then, ‘You know if I say I’ll take it on I’ll see it through.’
Wake-up call, Si. Harry’s moving on.
He’d never led her to believe differently, but hearing it for real hurt, and proved she’d been living in la-la land for the past few days. But what days they had been. The best. Couldn’t complain about that. Would she do it all over if she’d heard this phone call beforehand? Yes. Without a doubt. Harry had been good for her. Could be better, but that wasn’t going to happen.
‘Okay, Lance, I’ll give you a call after I’ve read the contract. I’d have done it earlier but I’ve been busy. See you.’
Busy. With her. Like she’d been a mission now completed. Two could play that game, and save her heart along the way.
Go home and tick off the fling early. Try not to let this get to you.
There were always going to be knock-backs but this was the one she really, really didn’t want, even when she’d known it was coming.
At Harrison’s back door she paused, drank in the sight of him as he put down his phone and began on the fish. Dressed in his knee-length shorts and a tee shirt that hugged his pecs, he was every inch the man of her dreams. How was she going to turn her back on him now that she knew every part of that body, the pleasure he gave? He took?
Harry looked up from the plates he’d filled with flour, breadcrumbs and a bowl with egg to coat the fish. ‘Come in and pour yourself a glass.’
Suddenly her appetite for food fled, leaving her sagging—yet still hungry for Harrison. She could stay for another night of wonderment, or she could go while she was able. ‘I’ll forgo dinner, thanks.’
‘There’s plenty of time tomorrow to do whatever’s bothering you.’ His words were straightforward, but the shutters were coming down in his eyes. He knew she was pulling out early. ‘Don’t end a great weekend this way.’
‘Sorry, Harrison, I really am, but it’s how it is.’
Turn around and walk. Now. Don’t step closer to him...don’t reach out to touch him.
Jerking about, she carefully trod down the steps and onto the path that’d take her back home to safety and control. Every time her foot moved forward she fought not to spin around and rush into his arms.
‘Si,’ Harry called softly, then said no more.
Sienna was relieved. There wasn’t anything he could say. They were always going to break up, it had just come about quicker and sharper than expected. Hearing him discuss his next job was a timely reminder. She had to look out for her heart. She paused to draw a breath. But she’d continue her leave this coming week and start learning the intricacies of flying. It was time to find the middle road for her future. It mightn’t end up being perfect, the man she might’ve begun falling in love with wouldn’t be there to share it, but there would be more than medicine to keep her going. So sensible. So darned awful. Lonely. Heart breaking, if that cracking, aching sensation already going on in her chest was an indicator.
* * *
Back inside her apartment Sienna wandered through to the lounge and studied the Christmas tree. Her fingers itched to tidy it up, balance the decorations, make it all perfect—make her life perfect again. Turning her back on it, she went to poach an egg for dinner. Having no appetite didn’t mean not eating.
Silence weighed down on her. The weekend had been full of laughter and chatter. She and Harrison saw eye to eye on many things, and argued like stink on plenty of others. That was one of the best things about their relationship. Huh? Before the mind-zapping, body-melting sex? Yes. No. Oh, whatever. It had all been magic, and now it wasn’t. There was a quick fix—go back over the way and apologise and enjoy being with Harry until he left at Christmas. And then go through this indecision and pain.
It hurt now. It would only get worse if she made love to Harrison for da
ys and nights all the while knowing she was snatching at moments. He was leaving Auckland. Putting distance between them. Guess it was better than him staying here where she ran the risk of bumping into him through work.
Under the hot shower she rested her head against the glass wall and let the warmth relax the tension in her back, her arms and legs. Unfortunately, the heat did nothing for her heavy heart and the sadness swamping her mind. This was reality. It was over with Harrison. Overhearing that phone call had been the catalyst to protect herself, making her understand that a fling wasn’t done in isolation. It involved head and heart, new needs and longings she hadn’t known before and didn’t want to let go; and afterwards none of the emotions could be switched off with a single flick.
The coming days with him right next door were going to be difficult. Painful. Filled with temptation to rush across and pick up where she’d left off.
But I will get through them. I have to. Please.
Starting with ignoring the dull thud going on behind her ribs, constantly reminding her of what she was walking away from.