My father more than forty, and she past thirty. She dreaming, I suppose, of romance and he seeing a lovely woman. She was lovely then. There are pictures. She was lovely before the bitterness ate it all away. And I was the seed of it, me seven-month baby that humiliated her and ruined her dreams. And his, too. Aye and his."
"You can hardly blame yourself for being born, Maggie."
"Oh, I know that. Don't you think I know? Up here?" Suddenly fierce, she tapped her head. "But in my heart—can't you see? I know that my very existence and every breath I take burdened the lives of two people beyond measure. I came from passion only, and every time she looked at me, it reminded her that she'd sinned."
That's not only ridiculous, it's foolish."
"Perhaps it is. My father said he'd loved her once, and perhaps it was true." She could imagine him, walking into O'Malley's, seeing Maeve, hearing her and letting his romantic heart take flight.
But it had crashed soon enough. For both of them.
"I was twelve when she told me that I hadn't been conceived within marriage. That's how she puts it. Perhaps she'd begun to see that I was making that slow shift from girl to woman. I'd begun to look at boys, you see. Had practiced my flirting on Murphy and one or two others from the village. She caught me at it, standing by the hay barn with Murphy, trying out a kiss. Just a kiss, that was all, beside the hay on a warm summer afternoon, both of us young and curious. It was my first kiss, and it was lovely— soft and shy and harmless.
"And she found us." When Maggie shut her eyes, the scene played back vividly. "She went white, bone white, and screamed and raged, dragged me into the house. I was wicked, she said, and sinful, and because my father wasn't home to stop her, she whipped me."
"Whipped you?" Shock had him rising out of his chair. "Are you telling me she hit you because you'd kissed a boy?"
"She beat me," Maggie said flatly. "It was more than the back of her hand that I'd been used to. She took a belt and laid into me until I thought she'd kill me. While she did she shouted scripture and raged about the branding of sin."
"She had no right to treat you so." He knelt in front of her, cupped her face in his hands.
"No, no one has such a right, but it doesn't stop them. I could see the hate in her then, and the fear, too. The fear, I came to understand, was that I would end up as she had, with a baby in my belly and emptiness in my heart. I'd known always that she didn't love me as mothers were meant to love their children. I'd known that she was easier, a bit softer on Brie. But until that day, I hadn't known why."
She couldn't sit any longer. Rising, she went to the door that led out to a little stone patio decked with clay pots filled with brilliant geraniums.
'There's no need for you to talk about this anymore," Rogan said from behind her.
"I'll finish." The sky was studded with stars, the breeze a gentle whisper through the trees. "She told me that I was marked. And she beat me so that the mark would be on the outside as well, so that I would understand what a burden a woman bears because it's she who carries the child."
"That's vile, Maggie." Unable to clamp down on his own emotions, he whirled her around, his hands hard on her shoulders, his eyes icy blue and furious. "You were just a girl."
"If I was, I stopped being one that day. Because I understood, Rogan, that she meant exactly what she said."
"It was a lie, a pitiful one."
"Not to her. To her it was sterling truth. She told me I was her penance, that God had punished her for her night of sin, with me. She believed that, fully, and every time she looked at me she was reminded of it. That even the pain and misery of birthing me wasn't enough. Because of me she was trapped in a marriage she despised, bound to a man she couldn't love and mother to a child she'd never wanted. And, as I've found out just recently, the ruin of everything she really wanted. Perhaps the ruin of everything she was."
"She's the one who should have been whipped. No one has the right to abuse a child so, and worse to use some warped vision of God as the strap."
"Funny, my father said nearly the same thing when he came home and saw what she'd done. I thought he would strike her. It's the only time in my life I'd ever seen him close to violence. They had a horrible fight. It was almost worse than the beating to listen to it. I went up to the bedroom to get away from the worst of it, and Brie came in with salve. She tended to me like a little mother, talking nonsense all the while the shouts and curses boomed up the stairs. Her hands were shaking."
She didn't object when Rogan drew her into his arms, but her eyes remained dry, her voice calm. "I thought he would go then. They said such vicious things to each other, I thought no two people could live under the same roof after. I thought if he'd just take us with him, if Brie and I could just go with him, anywhere at all, it would be all right again. Then I heard him say that he was paying, too. That he was paying for ever having believed that he loved and wanted her. That he'd go to his grave paying. Of course, he didn't go."
Maggie pulled away again. Stepped back. "He stayed more than ten years longer, and she never touched me again. Not in any way. But neither of us forgot that day—I think neither of us wanted to. He tried to make up for it by giving me more, loving me more. But he couldn't. If he'd left her, if he taken us and left her, it would have changed things. But that he couldn't do, so we lived in that house, like sinners in hell. And I knew no matter how he loved me that there were times he must have thought if it hadn't been—if I hadn't been, he'd have been free."
"Do you honestly blame the child, Maggie?"
'The sins of the fathers . . ." She shook her head. "One of my mother's favorite expressions that. No, Rogan, I don't blame the child. But it doesn't change the results." She took a deep breath. She was better for having said it all. "I'll never risk locking myself in that prison."
"You're too smart a woman to believe what happened to your parents happens to everyone."
"Not to everyone, no. One day, now that she's not hobbled by my mother's demands, Brie will marry. She's a woman who wants family."
"And you don't."
"I don't," she said, but the words sounded hollow. "I've my work, and a need to be alone."
He caught her chin in his hand. "You're afraid."
"If I am, I've a right to be." She shook free of him. "What kind of wife or mother would I make with what I've come from?"
"Yet you've just said your sister will be both."
"It affected her differently than it did me. She has as much need for people and for a home as I have to do without them. You were right enough when you said I was stubborn and rude and self-absorbed. I am."
"Maybe you've had to be. But that's not all you are, Maggie. You're compassionate and loyal and loving. It's not just part of you I fell in love with, but the whole. I want to spend my life with you."
Something trembled inside her, fragile as crystal struck by a careless hand. "Haven't you listened to a word I've said?"
"Every word. Now I know that you don't just love me. You need me."
She dragged both hands through her hair, fingers digging in and pulling in frustration. "I don't need anyone."
"Of course you do. You're afraid to admit it, but that's understandable." He was sorry, bitterly, for the child she'd been. But he couldn't allow that to change his plans for the woman. "You've locked yourself in a prison, Maggie. Once you admit those needs, the door will open."
"I'm happy with the way things are. Why do you have to change them?"
"Because I want more than a few days a month with you. I want a life with you, children with you." He skimmed a hand over her hair to cup the back of her neck. "Because you're the first and only woman I've ever loved. I won't lose you, Maggie. And I won't let you lose me."
"I've given you all I can give, Rogan." Her voice was shaky, but she held her ground. "It's more than I've given anyone else. Be content with what I'm able to give, for if you can't, I'll have to end it."
"Can you?"
"I'll have
to."
His hand squeezed once at the base of her neck, then released and fell away. "Stubborn," he said with a trace of amusement to hide the ache. "Well, so am I. I can wait for you to come to me. No, don't tell me you won't," he went on as she opened her mouth to protest. "It will only make it more difficult on you when you do. We'll leave things as they are, Maggie. With one alteration."
The relief she'd felt shifted into wariness. "Which is?"
"I love you." He pulled her into his arms, covered her mouth with his. "You'll have to get used to hearing it."
She was glad to be home. At home she could savor the solitude, enjoy her own company and the long, long days where the light clung to the sky until ten. At home, she didn't have to think of anything but work. To prove it, she gave herself three days in her glass house, three days without interruption. She was productive, pleased with the results she saw cooling in the annealing oven. And she was, for the first time in her memory, lonely. That was on his head, she thought as she watched the twilight grow and deepen and slip beautifully toward night. He'd tricked her into enjoying his company, into enjoying the whirl of cities and people. He'd made her want too much. She wanted him too much. Marriage. The thought made her shudder as she gathered what she wanted from the kitchen table. That, at least, he could never make her want. She was certain, given a little time, he would see it her way. If not . . .
She stepped outside, shut the door. It was best not to think about any if-nots. Rogan was, above all, a sensible man. She took the walk to Brianna's slowly as night settled around her. A slow mist gathered at her feet, and a breeze holding a warning chill whispered through the trees. Like a welcoming beacon, the light in Brianna's kitchen glowed against the night. Maggie shifted the sketches she'd framed and quickened her steps.
As she approached, a low growl sounded out of the shadows of the sycamore. Maggie called out softly and was answered by a happy bark. Con leaped out of the shadows, through the mist, and would have jumped on her to show his love and devotion had she not held out a hand to stop him.
"I'd rather not be knocked over, thank you." She rubbed his head, his neck, while his swinging tail tore the thin fog like rags. "Guarding your princess tonight, are you? Well, let's go in and find her."
The moment Maggie opened the kitchen door, Con shot through in a blur of fur and muscle. He paused across the room at the door that led into the hallway, tail thumping.
"Out there, is she?" Maggie set the sketches aside and walked to the door. She heard voices through it, a soft laugh, a British accent. "She has guests," she said to Con, and disappointed the dog thoroughly when she backed away from the door. "We won't disturb her, so you're stuck with me." To make the prospect a bit more hopeful, she went to the cupboard where Brianna kept Con's biscuits. "Well, what trick will you do for me, boy-o?"
Con eyed the biscuit she was holding, smacked his lip. With restrained dignity he padded to Maggie, sat and lifted a paw.
"Well done, lad."
Once he had the treat between his teeth, Con pranced to the rug in front of the kitchen hearth, circled three times, then settled down with a sigh to enjoy himself.
"I could do with something myself."
A quick snoop around the kitchen revealed a treasure. A square of gingerbread, half-gone, rested under a protecting cloth. Maggie ate one slice while the kettle was heating, and sat down to another with a homey pot of tea.
When Brianna came in, Maggie was scraping crumbs from the plate.
"I wondered when you'd come by." Brianna reached down to pet the dog, who'd risen to press himself against her legs.
"It would have been sooner, if I'd known this was waiting. You've guests, I see."
"Yes, a couple from London, a student from Derry and two sweet ladies down from Edinburgh. How did you enjoy your holiday?"
"It was a beautiful place, hot, sunny days, warm nights. I drew you some pictures so you'd see for yourself." She gestured to them.
Brie lifted the pictures and her face lit up with joy. "Oh, they're wonderful."
"I thought you'd like them more than a postcard."
"I do. Thank you, Maggie. I've some clippings about your show in Paris."