Raise him as his own? I frowned, cocking my head to the side, before the penny dropped. Then I started laughing like a maniac. Oh, God. He thought Grayson was ours. Mine. That was hilarious, and frightening, and so, completely Alex to jump to such a drastic conclusion. I unlocked my door and pushed it open, and he followed behind me. The tension that was thick in the air evaporated—some of it, anyway—and I took out two bottles of water from the fridge, handing him one. I leaned against the countertop while he stood at the doorway to my small, stuffy kitchen and stared at me.
“I babysit Grayson. He’s not mine, or yours. He’s Ollie and Tiffany’s. Clara’s grandson,” I clarified.
“Holy fuck, you could have started with that instead of laughing at me.” He plastered his forehead to my fridge and smiled. “Thank God. I mean, cute kid. But still. Thank God.”
I laughed some more, and he did, too, before we both turned serious again.
“I’m clean now, you know,” he said, referring to the time he’d come back to Los Angeles, angry and crazy and so lost, trying to drag me back into his arms, never acknowledging my tragedy but illuminating his. “Just got done with my tour. Nine months sober. I wanted to show up after the month, but couldn’t help myself. I was afraid you’d move on.”
“I know you’re sober.” I bit my lower lip, then took a sip of my water just to do something with my hands and mouth. Blake kept me updated—even though I’d told him I didn’t want to hear it. I was happy Alex was seeking help. I just didn’t want to be in the loop to feed my obsession with him. Because I hadn’t moved on.
“I’m happy for you, Alex. I am.”
He swiveled his body to be aligned with mine, staring me down like the predator I longed to be devoured by. “It was the hardest thing I had to do in my entire life. Not the physical bit. That was a piece of cake, actually. But mentally. Making the conscious decision to never consume another drop of alcohol or a line of cocaine. Being so far away from you, because I knew you wouldn’t accept me any other way—but even more alarmingly, maybe you wouldn’t accept me even after all the changes I’d made. I’m not here to make promises, because promises are meant to be broken. I’m here to give you the facts, one by one. Fact number one”—he took a deep gulp of air, squeezing his eyes shut before opening them wide like he’d just risen from the bottom of the ocean coming back for air—“I love you, Indigo Bellamy. My love for you is like a studded leather jacket worn inside out. It digs into my chest, eager to produce blood. And I will do anything for you, not because you’re my muse or my salvation or my best lay, but because you’re inside me, like an organ, like a vital thing I cannot function without. I don’t even want you at this point. I need you. It’s different, and carnal, and completely necessary for my existence. Fact number two.” He took a step toward me, and I tried hard not to wince, because it was too soon to touch, even if he’d just swiped my hair off my face. “I recognize, now, that I made your heartbreak about me. I was so consumed with wanting you, I cared more about not losing you than comforting you. I want you to know I’m deeply, wholeheartedly, dreadfully sorry. Regardless of who you are to me—the love of my life or some nameless girl I was never going to meet—I still would have done right by you had I known what was going on when Fallon came home the night of the accident. But I didn’t. Not at the time, at least. You have to understand that, Indie, because I won’t be able to survive living in this world knowing you think I could have saved your parents but chose not to.”
Another step, and the distance between us erased, replaced with body heat and familiarity. The intimacy you couldn’t fake in a million years. The one that comes with love. “Fact number three—I didn’t know who you were. I didn’t see you as a charity case. I thought it was sad that you were an orphan, but no sadder than how I’d lived my life without a family. In my mind, we were two asteroids orbiting around each other. I thought I was the sun and you were earth, but now I see I got it all mixed up. You were always the sun. And even now, when I look at you, I don’t see regret and pain and suffering. I see the biggest opportunity, the sweetest promise, the road I should be taking.”