It made me think of Smiler and Slash and how Smiler had been alone as he buried his cousin. “Where’s Slash’s mother?” I asked Tanner. “His father?”
Tanner must have understood who I meant. “Don’t know.” He ran his hand through my hair. “Smiler isn’t a talker. Don’t know anything but he was in the army. Don’t know how he came to be here. Don’t know much about Slash either.”
“He was alone,” I whispered, thinking of Smiler’s tears as he shoveled dirt onto Slash’s coffin. “He had no family with him. He has no one to love him.” Tanner pulled me close. The quiet comfort in his embrace was short lived as Tank and Beauty came and sat down beside us.
“Drinks?” Tank said somberly. Tanner got up with Tank and headed to the bar. I watched the two best friends walking together, and in that moment was eternally grateful for Tank. He had been there for Tanner when he was a beaten lost boy. Tank had been the one to save him in so many ways. He had been there when Tanner no longer wanted the Klan. And Tank had given him a home amongst these men, a refuge when he had nowhere else to go.
A flicker of peace calmed my heavy heart. Tanner wasn’t alone. He had people—people other than me who loved him.
“It wasn’t your fault.” Beauty’s voice pulled me from staring at Tanner and Tank. I turned to Beauty who was studying me. “I can see it in your eyes, darlin’. You blame yourself.”
“Diego was pissed about me.”
Beauty sighed. “The Hangmen took you, sweetie. From your home before anyone knew who you were.” Although that was correct, it was little comfort. Beauty edged closer to me. She pointed to the men in the room. “You are cartel, Lita. I know you get this life more than anyone who has walked through the doors on the arm of a brother before now. So, you don’t need me to tell you that anyone who swears his allegiance to this club, to this life, does it knowing the risks. Any brother who slips on a cut with Hades on the back knows that he might not live to see the next day.” She sighed. “It’s hard. And when something like this happens, to someone so young, it hurts twice as bad.” Beauty took hold of my hand. “But blaming yourself won’t bring him back. It’ll only cause you a lifetime of pain.”
Tanner and Tank came back over to the table with our drinks. I stood and moved to wrap my arms around Tanner. His eyes were suspicious. I kissed him. Tanner kissed me back. When I pulled away, I said, “I’m going to the bathroom.”
“You okay, princess? Really?”
“I will be.”
I left the bar and headed in the direction of our room. But I stopped when I passed the medical room that Edge and Rider worked from. Checking no one was around, I tried the knob. It opened, and I slipped inside the dark room. Using the light from the moon outside, I searched through the drawers until I found what I was looking for. Putting it my pocket, I went into Tanner’s room and placed it where it was accessible but out of sight.
Going to the desk Tanner worked from, I pulled open the drawer and took out one of the burner cells. Making sure the door was locked, I turned the cell on and called the number. The minute the cell clicked on, I said, “En cuatro horas nos vemos en el sur de la propiedad Hangmen. Me regreso a casa.” I hung up, turned off the cell and put it back in the drawer exactly where I found it.
I went back to the bar, and the men got drunker and drunker as the night went on. Eventually, I turned to Tanner. “Can we go to the room, mi amor? I’m tired.”
Tanner finished his whiskey, then got to his feet. Before we left, I reached down and hugged Beauty. She smiled at me when I pulled back. “Thank you for everything,” I said so only she could hear me. “And for caring for Tanner like you do. You’re his family.”
“Yours too, I hope.”
“Always,” I replied, and tried to hide the emotional hitch in my breath.
Tanner put his arm around me, and we walked to our room. We passed Phebe and Saffie, and I gave them a small wave. My chest felt full when Saffie gave a shy wave back. The minute we were back in the room, I locked the door. Tanner went to his computer and checked something. I didn’t know what. He didn’t know I was watching him. And I was glad. Because I got to commit him to memory. His blue eyes and light lashes. The stern face that lit up only around me. His lips that so beautifully kissed mine, and his hands that always sought to hold me. Always touched me and told me, without words, that he loved me more than I ever thought I would ever be loved.
When he eventually looked up from his screen, I silently held out my hand. Tanner turned off his computer and came over to me. He didn’t take my hand. Instead, he picked me up, bringing my legs around his waist. We didn’t kiss as he led us to the bed. We didn’t talk. There was nothing to be said. Tonight was for silence, and me showing this man how much I loved and adored him. How he had given me more in the short times we had managed to be together than some people got after forty years. I wanted him to know that I cherished him and what he had given up for us. And I was proud of him. Proud of the abused boy who had walked away from his aggressive and controlling father and had risen out of his darkness and into the safety of light.
Tanner rolled on top of me and started taking off my clothes. I let him touch me softly and slowly, his fingers caressing my skin. I let him drop my clothes to the floor, then crawl above me, kissing every inch of my body. I sat up, so we were kneeling on the bed. I pushed off his cut, lifted his shirt above his head and pushed down his jeans. Tanner’s breathing increased as I ran my hands over his broad chest, kissing every scar and old wound I could find. Finally, I ended up at his mouth. I kissed him gently, threading my fingers through his hair.
Pushing him down on his back, and never breaking our mouths apart, I crawled on top of him, and slowly sank down, letting him fill me. On a soft moan, I placed my hands on Tanner’s chest and stared down at his face. I never looked away. Not once. I watched as his breathing grew labored. As his pupils dilated and his cheeks flushed as I rocked back and forth.
Tanner’s hands ran over my body, admiring my every curve like an artist admired his muse. I savored the feeling. I took every touch into my heart and let it find in there a home. My gaze stayed locked on Tanner’s as pressure started to build in my thighs. I felt him pulse inside me. Even as I shattered apart, Tanner following me over the edge, I watched his beautiful face tense with pleasure, his eyes closing as his hands gripped my thighs. I was sure there was no one in the world who loved another like I did him in that moment.
And I was sure no one’s heart had broken so slowly, so painfully, that death seemed like welcome relief.
“I love you,” Tanner whispered. He brought me to his chest with his arms wrapped around my back. I held back the tears that were threatening to fall.
“Ti amo, Tanner Ayers . . . sempre.”
We stayed that way until I heard Tanner’s breathing even out. Careful not to wake him, I moved to lie beside him, staring at the bedside clock. Time was quickly slipping through my fingers. When I knew I had to make a move, I got up from the bed and quickly dressed. Going to Tanner’s desk, I retrieved the cable ties he used for his computer wires and moved to the bed. I took a moment to stop and stare at him in sleep. His face was free from the usual lines that adorned his face. In sleep, he was at peace and free from all the worries that I knew plagued him every waking hour of every day.
He was the most beautiful to me this way—unburdened. Not haunted by his past.
Seeing I only had a short time to leave, I first looped the cable ties around his ankles, tightened them, then moved to his wrists. I moved him gently, so I wouldn’t wake him. Retrieving the needle I had hidden earlier tonight, I placed it down on the nightstand, then ran my finger across his forehead to rouse him from sleep. Tanner’s eyes flickered open, and my heart started to beat a heady rhythm. I was nervous . . . and I warded off the devastation waiting to settle in.
The confusion of being awoken from a deep sleep meant it took Tanner a while to realize he was tied to the bed. He tried to roll toward me but came up short wh
en his arm and leg pulled at the iron bed rails. His eyes suddenly widened when he tried to get to me and he found he couldn’t move. He quickly shed any remaining sleep.
“Lita?” he rasped in an urgent tone. His eyes slammed to mine. I inhaled a shaky breath. But I spoke. I knew I had to do it quickly, so I didn’t lose my nerve . . . so I could maintain composure.
“I have to go,” I whispered. “All this violence . . .” I shook my head. “All this death.” I shut my eyes, remembering Slash’s frozen face as he hit the ground from Diego’s bullet.
“Lita . . . baby, untie me.” His voice was steady, but I heard the hint of panic slipping through. “You’re upset and tired.” He pulled on his arm harder, the iron of the bed grinding under his strength.
“If I go, I can convince them to stop.” Tanner froze, and his head started to shake “no.” “If I stay, mi amor, he will never give up.” I cleared my throat. “I cannot do that to these people. To Mae and Charon, Lilah and Grace. Beauty, Phebe, Sia . . . and Saffie. Lord knows they have all been so much.” I thought of Ash and his dead eyes. Of Zane and the vacant haunted look he wore. I took a step toward Tanner and ran my hand down his stubbled cheek. He didn’t pull away. He seemed frozen with shock. “You have a good life here, baby. These men . . . they care for you. Tank and Beauty . . . they love you. They are your family.”
“Lita, untie me.” His voice was harder, and I saw the anger start to build in his ice-blue eyes. He yanked on the bars, but the ties held. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I touched Tanner’s chest, his face, and ran my fingertips around his lips.