My knees gave way and I sank to the ground. My head fell forward. I couldn’t get my fucked up dreams from my head. I’d had them every night for weeks. Maddie and Beatrix were always in them. I thought of Isaiah. His dead body was always in there too. In the nightmares I always hurt them, always caused them pain just like Poppa always said I would. His slow retard of a son, who was tainted by the devil himself.
What if Maddie was wrong? The flames… the flames… my poppa’s voice was always in my head. All the fucking time. What if Maddie was wrong and Poppa was right? I couldn’t find out by holding Beatrix. I couldn’t risk hurting her.
I heard a twig snap and turned, ready to fucking fight. Ash held his hands up. “It’s just me,” he said and looked at my hand. I followed his gaze. I h
ad a blade in my hand. How the fuck did I have a blade in my hand? “Were you cutting yourself?” Ash asked. I looked down at the blade. I didn’t even know I’d gotten hold of it. I looked at my arm and there was the red mark the knife had made. No blood, but the imprint of my fucking blade was clear to see. I dropped it on the grass and fisted my hair with both hands.
“FUCK!” I shouted. Ash sat down beside me.
He didn’t say anything for a while. Then, “You haven’t held Trixie yet?” I breathed slowly through my nose when something pulled in my gut. “She’s beautiful.” I nodded. She was. Every time I saw her face… she was beautiful, just like my Maddie.
“He was a fucking asshole, Flame,” Ash said. I lifted my head. Ash pulled out a smoke from his cut and lit up. I inhaled the smoke. It fucking calmed me. I stared over the trees. The sun was setting. How fucking long had we been out here? Ash took a long drag. “Poppa. He was fucked up. I know you don’t think like I do.” Ash didn’t wear a smile when I looked at his face. He wasn’t calling me a retard for being different. He was staring out over the trees. “I think about that asshole a lot. More than he ever fucking deserved. Do you ever realize that? He died, Flame. Fucking years ago, yet look at what he still does to us.”
I frowned. “What does he do to you?”
Ash caught my eye. I dropped my gaze to my leathers. “He does enough,” he said. “He killed your mama, Flame. He killed Isaiah.” I held my breath. “He did, Flame. Poppa killed Isaiah, not fucking you.” The pain in my gut started fading away. “He killed my mama too, Flame. Fuck,” Ash cursed and flicked his smoke away, only to light up another. “If you hadn’t been dumped at a hospital, eventually he would have killed you.” Ash paused. “Then he’d have come for me.” I saw my poppa’s face in my head. Saw his smile, that I didn’t think was from happiness. It wasn’t like Maddie’s happy smile. It was wrong, like it didn’t belong on his face. Even with my fucked up brain, I had realized that. He liked blood and pain. He liked hurting other people. Why the fuck did he like hurting other people so much?
I felt Ash’s eyes on me from the side. “You’re hurting Madds, brother.” The flames turned to shards of ice in my blood. My lungs stopped fucking working. I thought of Maddie’s face over the past few weeks. Her eyes didn’t shine. She had black rings underneath them. They always filled with tears when she looked at me.
“I don’t wanna hurt her,” I said, kicking my boot into the mud at my feet.
“I know. But you are. You don’t go near Trix. Fuck, brother. She looks just like Maddie. I know kids have blue eyes when they’re babies, but I reckon she’ll have Maddie’s eyes, and our hair.” I ran my hand through my hair. Beatrix already had black hair. I looked at Ash’s hair. It was the same color.
Maddie’s eyes… I imagined Beatrix with Maddie’s eyes. My fucking heart squeezed. I loved Maddie’s eyes. They were the only eyes I could ever meet. The only eyes that didn’t see me as wrong or retarded. What… what if Beatrix was the same? Could I meet her eyes too? I didn’t know. I hadn’t even fucking tried.
“Don’t let him win.” Ash flicked his second smoke to the ground. He took out a hip flask. I shook my head when he offered it to me. He took a long swallow. “Don’t let our old man win. You push Maddie and your kid away, then that cunt wins. Even in fucking death he tortures our lives.” Ash tipped his head back and closed his eyes. “But you got a family now, Flame. Maddie needs you. Beatrix needs you even more.”
Needs me… she needs me more…
I looked down at my wrists, at the veins I could see. “You won’t hurt her. There’s no fucking way you would hurt her.” Ash exhaled. “Plus, she’s your kid. If you do have flames in your blood, if Maddie’s wrong and they’re bad, then Trixie will be immune.” My head snapped up to my brother.
I made myself fucking look into his black eyes. “What do you mean?”
“You made her. She’s half you. Your flames won’t hurt her.” I gasped. I fucking gasped as Ash said that. Was he right? Was he fucking right? I wouldn’t hurt her. I couldn’t hurt her… I looked at my hands. I could hold her, and she wouldn’t burn like Isaiah did. She wouldn’t be hurt by my hands. I felt my head get fucking damp with sweat. I didn’t hurt Maddie. I wouldn’t hurt Beatrix too.
“We grew up with an old man who didn’t want us, Flame. Don’t make Beatrix grow up thinking that too.” I closed my eyes when Ash’s words stabbed me in the fucking chest. “Imagine growing up with a papa that fucking loved you. I can’t even imagine what that would fucking feel like. What it would be like waking up and not being beaten and thrown into a cellar… and worse...”
“No one will ever fucking hurt her. I’d kill them first. She’s mine, they’re both mine and I’ll fucking murder anyone who tries to hurt them.”
“Then let them know that, Flame,” Ash said and got to his feet. “I’m on duty at the bar. Most of the brothers are gathering in the clubhouse bar to get shit done and everyone moved to the compound.” Ash looked like he wanted to put his hand on my shoulder. But he pulled his hand away and began to walk away.
“I’m meant to be the older brother,” I said and felt my chest ache. “I’m a shit brother. I…” I hit the side of my head. “I can’t see when you need me. I never know.” I quickly met Ash’s eyes when he looked back. I didn’t understand what I saw in them.
Ash’s lip lifted. “I’m not a kid now, Flame. I can look after myself.” He shrugged. “Plus, who fucking looks after you? I’m your brother too. It doesn’t matter if I’m younger. If you need me, I’ll be fucking here.” He swallowed and looked away. Ash quickly disappeared into the trees.
I looked down at my palms. I wouldn’t hurt Beatrix. She was immune to the flames. She… she was mine. Beatrix was half mine. My stomach rolled when I recalled Ash’s voice saying, you’re hurting Madds, brother…
I coughed when my throat tightened. I never wanted to hurt Maddie. No one was allowed to hurt Maddie, especially not me…
I got to my feet and walked back to the cabin. AK and Viking had gone. Some lamps were on, but the cabin was dark. I walked into the bedroom. Maddie was laid on the bed. Beatrix was in the bassinet beside her. Maddie was watching Beatrix sleep. Maddie looked up when I walked in. She smiled, but it wasn’t as big as her usual smile. Maddie put her finger to her mouth, telling me to be quiet, and got off the bed. She looked tired. She was pale, her eyes weren’t bright. Maddie held my hand and pulled me from the bedroom.
“Are you okay?” she asked when we were in the living room. She put her hand on my cheek. Her hand moved down my neck and along my arm. Maddie looked down. She froze. When I wondered what she was looking at, I saw the red mark from the blade. “Flame, no…” she said, and I heard her voice crack.
“I didn’t do it,” I said and dropped my head to hers. “I didn’t cut myself.”
Maddie’s eyes filled with tears when she met my eyes. “What can I do, baby? Please tell me what I can do to make this better. To help you, I will do anything. Anything to make things better for you.”
“I’m okay,” I said, and Maddie wiped her cheek. “A-are you?”
“I am tired.” She said and smiled. It fucking made my heart crack. “I am so tired. I have not showered in two days.” Maddie looked back toward the bedroom. “Beatrix has just fed and fallen asleep. I am going to shower now.” My pulse started racing at the thought of being left alone. “I will leave the shower door open. She will not wake. I will be out long before she does.” Maddie squeezed my hand. I was a statue as she left for the bathroom. I watched her take off her clothes and turn on the shower. She was still the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. She climbed in the shower and the steam hid her. I didn’t move. I wanted to tell her I was sorry. I didn’t want her to be tired. I wanted her eyes to be bright again. But I didn’t know how to do it. How to make it all better. How to do any of this shit.
My head dropped and tried to think, tried to think about how to make things right, when Bea
trix started crying. My head snapped up and I rushed into the bedroom. Maddie said Beatrix wouldn’t wake up. But when I looked into her bassinet, she was crying. Her eyes looked at me and she cried. My hands shook. My fucking hands shook. I looked back toward the bathroom. The shower was still on. I didn’t know if Maddie had heard her. I rocked on my feet waiting for Maddie. But Beatrix kept on crying. It was loud, and something in my chest was drawing me toward her, like a rope was pulling me close. I looked at Beatrix again. She cried louder. She cried louder and louder.
“Stop crying,” I said. But she didn’t. Tears ran down her red face. “Stop crying… please… Mama will be here soon.” But the shower still ran, and Maddie didn’t come. “Shh,” I whispered, my voice fucking shaking. But Beatrix didn’t shush.
Beatrix cried harder and harder until I reached forward and picked her up. I froze the minute she was in my arms. I fucking stopped breathing. She was in my arms. My daughter was in my arms… Big eyes looked up at me and I felt like the fucking world stopped. She stopped crying and looked up at me. My vision blurred. “I don’t wanna hurt you,” I whispered and checked her body for signs that I was. I watched her in case her skin started heating up. In case her breathing rattled and slowed down... but it didn’t. Beatrix stared up at me. Her breathing was normal. Her chest didn’t rattle.
I wasn’t hurting her.
I wasn’t hurting her… and it did not burn…
I pulled Beatrix closer and closer until she was at my chest, my hands cradling her head and my forearms supporting the rest of her body. She was wrapped in a blanket. Beatrix stopped crying. She stared at me. I stared back at her… I didn’t look away. I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breath. Something in my chest was caving in, something was wrapping around my fucking heart and holding it in its fist.
“Beatrix…” I whispered. She blinked, and I felt my legs get weak. I sat on the edge of the bed, just staring down at her. She was warm in my arms. She was so little. She was… perfect. She was perfect… and looked just like Maddie. She started squirming. I held her tighter, afraid I’d let her fall. Her lip stuck out and she started crying again. “No, don’t cry,” I begged, not knowing what to do.