I took a deep breath, basking in the praise. I’d need to keep the kind words I received close to me, like armor, if I was going to survive.
“I’m ready to work. Hit me with it.”
“Actually, I think the best use of your time might be to speak with some of the Elite, or go on a date or something.”
“I was just with them,” I protested. “They’re all fine.”
“I mean more in the one-on-one sense. Besides the coronation details, which you shouldn’t even be bothered with, there’s nothing that can’t wait until Monday. Your professional life is moving forward, and you were the one who said that it went hand in hand with your private life.” She raised her eyebrows at me.
“Okay.”
“Why so glum? If I remember correctly, you think all five of them are front-runners.”
“It’s complicated. The one I most need to talk to might not even want to speak to me.” I sighed. “Wish me luck.”
“You don’t need it.”
CHAPTER 18
I SAT IN MY ROOM, waiting for Hale to arrive. I wanted to have this conversation in a place that was intimate and comfortable. My palms were sweating, and I realized rather abruptly I was getting down to the boys I really didn’t want to send home. I knew only one would stay in the end, but I almost wished the others could call the palace home, too, or maybe promise to visit on holidays.
I snapped my head up at the knock on the door and went to answer it myself. I didn’t want Eloise around for this.
Hale bowed. “Your Highness.”
“Come in. Are you hungry? Thirsty?”
“No, I’m good.” He rubbed his hands together, looking as nervous as I was.
I sat at the table, and he joined me.
When I couldn’t bear the silence any longer, I spoke. “I need you to tell me what’s going on.”
He swallowed. “And I want to tell you. But I don’t know what I’ll do if you end up hating me because of it.”
Despite the warmth, I felt a chill. “Why would I hate you, Hale? What did you do?”
“It’s not something I did. It’s something I can’t do.”
“Which is?”
“Marry you.”
Though I’d been expecting as much, though my heart had never really, fully been his, it was still a painful blow.
“What—” I had to stop and breathe. This was my worst fear coming to life. I was unlovable. I knew it. All it had taken was a few weeks by my side for him to figure it out. “What suddenly made you so certain you couldn’t marry me?”
He paused, looking pained, and I took some consolation in the fact that he didn’t seem to want to hurt me. “When I found I had feelings for someone else.”
At least that was easier to handle than my initial worry. “Carrie?”
He shook his head. “Ean.”
I was driven to absolute silence. Ean? Like, Ean Ean?
I didn’t see that coming. Hale had been so tender, so romantic. But instantly everything about Ean became clear.
When the castes had been in place, it was law that every family fell into the caste of the husband. Because of that, there could only ever be one male head of the household. The same went for women: no married couple, no legitimate household. Some people lived together without bothering with marriage, calling their lovers roommates, but it was frowned on. Mom told me about a same-sex couple back in Carolina who’d been shunned to the point that they were driven out of town.
I’d never cared for that story. It sounded to me like way too many people had it hard when she was growing up. Why would anyone go out of their way to make someone’s life any harder?
Regardless, same-sex couples tended to live in the shadows, on the outskirts of society, and unfortunately that was still the case today. This made Ean’s acceptance of not finding love in his life much more understandable.
But Hale?
“How . . . how did you even . . . ?”
“We started talking one night in the Men’s Parlor. I hadn’t been able to sleep and decided to go there to read. I found him writing in his journal.” Hale smiled to himself. “You wouldn’t think it to look at him, but he’s actually very poetic.
“Anyway, we just talked. And, I don’t know how we even got to the point where we were sitting beside each other, but then he kissed me, and . . . I knew why I never had a crush on Carrie. I knew why, even though you are the smartest, funniest, bravest girl I know, I couldn’t marry you.”
I closed my eyes, taking this in. And I felt absolutely horrified, because all that came to my mind was how badly this might affect me. Forget that Hale was going to have to explain this discovery about himself to his family, forget that Ean might finally be forced to come clean. What would the press say when they eventually learned that not one but two of my suitors would rather be with each other than with me?
Sometimes I was a really terrible person.
“I know that a Selected being in a relationship with someone else is treason,” Hale breathed. I raised my eyes, having forgotten that detail. “But I also know that a short, honest life is better than a long, deceitful one.”
“Hale,” I urged, leaning across the table to take his hand. “What makes you think I could even punish you?”
“I know the rules.”
I sighed. “We live our lives bound by them, don’t we?”
He nodded.
“Perhaps you and I could make a deal?”
“What kind of deal?”
I pulled my hands back, rubbing them together. “If you would do me the favor of staying until after the coronation and letting me dismiss you and Ean a few weeks, or maybe even days, apart, then I will allow you to leave the palace without any sort of repercussions.”
He stared at me. “Really?”
“I admit, I’m worried about the fallout from all this. But if it looks like you two fell for each other after you were eliminated, then no one could accuse you of treason. And, I’m sorry, but if the press found out, they’d tear me apart over this.”
“I really didn’t want to make things harder for you. I’m not in love with you, but I love you enough to tell you the truth.”
Standing, I bridged the space between us. He stood, too, and I flung my arms around him, resting my head on his shoulder. “I know. And I love you, too. I wouldn’t wish you a lifetime shackled to me when it would make you miserable.”
“Is there anything I can do for you? Leaving here with your blessing was more than I hoped for. How can I help you?”
I stepped back.
“Just be an exemplary Selection candidate for a few more days. I realize that’s asking a lot, but getting me past the coronation would mean the world to me.”
“It’s not asking a lot, Eadlyn. It’s hardly asking anything.”
I put a hand on his cheek. Something every day.
“So, is he the one or what?”
Hale laughed, the relief finally hitting him. “I don’t know. I mean, I’ve never felt like this before.”
I nodded. “Since he and I don’t talk much, maybe you’d like to tell him how your eliminations will work? He’ll probably go home before you, since publicly he looked like a less likely candidate.”
Saying that out loud caused a little ping in my chest, too. Ean had been a safety net; and still, knowing the truth, I didn’t relish the idea of him going home.
“Thank you. For all of this.”
“Don’t mention it.”
Hale swept in and hugged me again before running off. I smiled, thinking that Hale and I were in very similar situations: charging headlong into the future with no guarantee of a happily ever after. All the same, it meant something that we ran, didn’t it?
I liked to think so.
The day had gone from wonderful to complicated very quickly, and by the end of it I was ready to bypass dinner and fall straight into bed. I pushed my door open, trying to hold on to the best parts of the day. Lady Brice saying I was wise. The press feeling hopeful. Hale’s smile before he ran out of the room.
“You know,” a deep voice said, “I think I might be your maid’s favorite.”
Kile was lounging on my bed, his arms comfortably crossed behind his head.
I laughed. “And why is that?”
“Because she was far too easy to bribe.”
“The least you could have done was take off your shoes.”
He made a face and slipped them off, then patted the space on the bed beside him.
I flopped down, looking incredibly unladylike. He rolled over, facing me, and I caught a glimpse of his fingers. “What in the world have you been doing today?”
“I spent the afternoon sketching with charcoals,” he answered, flipping his blackened hands over. “Don’t worry. They won’t rub off on your sheets. My fingers are just stained.”