“I think I’m going to grab a cab,” I said to Maria.
“Why?” she whined. “It’s not even that late yet.”
“It’s almost two. That’s good enough for me. Do you want to come back with me or do you want to take a separate cab?
“I really don’t want to leave until I at least smooch a guy,” she said. “Are you sure you can’t stay?”
I nodded. “I’m pretty tired. You know I’m not much of a partier. You’ve got to admit that I’ve exceeded all expectations.”
She grinned. “I’m proud of you.”
I rolled my eyes and grabbed my purse, walking toward the front door and hoping to leave without anyone noticing.
As I stood on the front step, searching my phone for a number for a cab service, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I whipped around, ready to defend my actions at the party.
“Hey,” Chad said cautiously, backing off due to my strong reaction.
“Oh, sorry. I didn’t know that was you. I’m just about to go.”
“I noticed. I wanted to catch you before you left. Is there something wrong? It seemed like you were avoiding me in there after—”
“No,” I lied hastily. “I’m just tired. Plus, I have to get up for rounds tomorrow so I was just a little antsy to leave.”
“Is that it?”
“Yeah,” I said brightly, trying to cover my discomfort.
“It has nothing to do with the fact that we hooked up and everyone probably knows?”
My shoulders fell when he confirmed what I was so desperately hoping I had made up in my imagination.
“Sit down with me for a second,” he said, wrapping his arm around my shoulder.
Reluctantly, I sat, allowing myself to sit in the cold and hear him out so we wouldn’t have to speak about this again. If he needed a little closure, I would give that to him. But, I was not going to have this be an ongoing issue. I was too damn busy to add one more point of stress in my life.
“So about tonight—” he started.
“It’s no big deal,” I said quickly, trying to act cool. “I mean, we’re adults. I don’t see what’s wrong with getting a little drunk and doing other adult things.”
“You’re right,” he said, a smile appearing on his face. “It really shouldn’t be anything that people should feel the need to talk about. Everyone does it.”
“Yeah,” I agreed, feeling slightly more relieved. “We were drunk, we made a silly mistake, and it’s over now. No need to bring it back up. It was a one-time thing and it’ll never happen again.”
By now, I was speaking more for my benefit than his. I was reassuring myself that what I had done was completely fine, and it was less about reassuring him that I wasn’t upset about it.
“Yeah,” he said, his voice sounding slightly strangled. “It was a mistake. Sometimes that happens. We just got caught up in the moment. Sometimes that happens to me—I start feeling some sort of way, and the nearest willing female just becomes a part of it. I didn’t mean anything by it. I hope you’re not mad at me. The truth is, I can be kind of a slut sometimes.”
I let out a dry laugh at this confession. It was nice to hear an explanation, yet something about it didn’t quite sit well with me. I wasn’t sure what it was though.
“Don’t worry about it,” I said. “I don’t do this often. How long will it take for people for forget about it?”
He glanced back at the house and listened to the ruckus going on inside, muffled by the glass front door. “Oh, maybe there will be a few people talking about it on Monday, but people get tired of these stories if nothing becomes of them. With time, people don’t even remember if they saw it firsthand or if it’s just some legend. This crew is particularly drunk, and I bet you before too long, someone will do something to top our little news story. There’s nothing to worry about. Just a silly mistake.”
“Okay,” I said, letting him help me off the cold cement step.
“Do you feel better now?”
“Yes,” I answered, but I wasn’t completely sure why I wasn’t more relieved. Chad gave me a one-armed hug goodbye and then I flagged down a stray cab and began the short journey home.
As I sat in the quiet car, I tried to figure out what was bothering me so much. If what he said was true, then I didn’t need to feel embarrassment at what happened. In fact, I could just remember how nice and fulfilling the sex was and move on with my life.
The sex was quick, but it was still good. I usually wasn’t so spontaneous about anything, but this was one instance where it paid off not to plan. Well, it had certainly paid off in the moment, anyway.
I had been experiencing a bit of a dry spell recently. I’d had my fair share of boyfriends and casual lovers during medical school and residency, but once I started working, there just wasn’t enough time to go out and meet people. I had settled down into the routine of having my own patients and my own work schedule. There wasn’t really time for dating.
When I thought about it, I wasn’t really that upset about the fact that I had mildly embarrassed myself. This was an isolated experience, and no one could give me shit about it because I knew they had all done much worse.
Also, I definitely wasn’t upset about the sex. It was incredible, and I only wish it could have lasted longer. It awakened a hunger in me that I didn’t realize I had. Somehow, I had managed to push my sexual needs away while I di
d the work that truly mattered to me. So, no, I didn’t regret sleeping with Chad.
In the end, I think the thing that bothered me most was how he could perform such an intimate act with someone and tell her moments later that he felt nothing and it was no more a mistake than bumping into someone on the street.
I knew that it was just sex and nothing else, but at the time, it seemed like there was more there than just mindless fornication. He said that he found me attractive and that he wanted me. He even whispered a bunch of other things into my ear during the act that would make it seem like he thought of me as more than just a girl at a party looking for a good time.
So, when I realized that I’d meant nothing to him, it didn’t feel good. It wouldn’t have mattered if I didn’t care about him either, but that wasn’t true. In fact, from the moment we spoke at the party, I’d developed a nagging crush on Chad. If anything, the sex made it all so much more complicated than a simple infatuation. But now, nothing could ever come of it. I could never go on a date with him or even kiss him at another party because he’d made it very clear that I was a mistake.
I knew that I didn’t always have the most common sense, but when someone tells me that they’re into me, I believe them. Now, it was too late to realize those are the things you say to a woman to get her to have sex with you.
At least it was fun while it lasted. After I paid the driver, I went home and crawled into bed, promising myself that I’d never fall for a man’s tricks again.
Chapter Four
Chad
I woke up in the morning with a headache and sense of dread in my stomach. That, or it was the half of a pizza I devoured when I got home. Either way, it didn’t feel great.
The mornings after parties were always rough for me. Nine times out of ten, I’d made some sort of terrible mistake that could haunt me for some time to come. On this particular morning, I was dreading going to work. What I had done was basically the equivalent of sleeping with your boss.