Derek takes the chair. Grayson and I sink onto the couch across from him. My husband’s hand finds mine, and I give him what I hope is a reassuring squeeze. The silence stretches out for several long beats, a tangled messy thing that none of us seem all that inclined to break.
Finally, Derek curses. “What would it even look like? If we went for this?”
The rushing in my head nearly drowns out Grayson’s careful response. He’s holding my hand tightly enough to hurt, but his body language is otherwise relaxed. Like he’s afraid of spooking Derek. “We feel it out as we go. We keep communication open and talk to each other.” A brief smile touches his lips. “We fuck.”
Derek looks at me. “That’s too simple. There’s no way it’ll be that easy.”
Grayson takes a slow breath. “No one says it’ll be easy. It won’t. Relationships can be challenging with two people, let alone three. But I’m willing to work through it in order not to lose what we started in Colorado. I can’t promise that things won’t be hard, but I can promise I’ll work through whatever comes up.”
“And if it blows up in our faces?”
That startles a ragged laugh from me. “Have you been enjoying the last few days since Christmas, Derek? Because we sure as hell haven’t.”
His eyes go soft. “No, Emma. I haven’t enjoyed the last few days, either.”
“We crossed too many lines to go back.” I hate that it’s true, but it is true. “The only way is forward. Can’t we at least try? Would that be so bad?”
Derek scrubs his hands over his face. “What about the future? I want kids.”
“So do we,” I say slowly. I hadn’t even considered how that would look, but the thought of raising kids with the three of us sends a jolt through me that’s entirely too intoxicating. “Eventually.”
Grayson snorts. “Probably sooner, rather than later.”
“And what about events for work and all the shit that goes with raising a kid. You don’t think people are going to notice that there are three of us?”
I shake my head slowly. “Derek.”
“What?”
“Since when do you give a fuck what anyone else thinks? If we make it work, if we’re happy, then the rest of the world can jump off a bridge for all I care. Our household is the only thing that matters.”
His shoulders slump a little. “It won’t be that simple.”
“No, probably not.” Grayson shrugs. “But we won’t know until we try.” He hesitates the briefest of moments. “Do you want to try?”
Derek leans forward and props his elbows on his thick thighs. “Yes. I want to try.”
The air seems to rush out of the room. We stare at each other for a long moment before Derek continues. “I can’t go back to being on the outside looking in. This wasn’t the plan I had for my life, the partner and equivalent of white picket fence and kids and dog and all that shit. But if I haven’t found someone who can compare to the two of you in the last eight years, I’m not going to be able to.” He shakes his head. “No, that’s a fucking copout. I don’t want anyone but you two. I…love you both.”
“Come here.” Grayson’s voice is rougher than normal.
Derek rises and walks around the coffee table. We part for him to sit between us, and it seems the most natural thing in the world to bracket him in and press against him from either side. I slip under his arm and cuddle close. “I love you, too.”
“We both do,” Grayson murmurs.
“This is a terrible idea. You know that, right?” Derek looks between us.
I laugh and give him a squeeze. “We’ll find our way through.”
We begin talking almost hesitantly, but settling into the conversation quickly. What it will look like for us to try. How we can adapt our lives to accommodate for three. If things go well, maybe Derek will move in with us before too long, though that will mean a larger apartment. Maybe a house with a yard and the full nine yards. Kids. Kids.
But all that is in the future.
My alarm goes off at eleven-thirty. Derek looks at me with surprise, but Grayson is grinning. He nudges his friend. “Emma’s superstitious about New Year’s Eve.”
I push to my feet. “It’s as much tradition as superstition and you know it.” I hold out my hand to Derek. “I’m a firm believer in starting the year how you intend to move through it, and I want this year to be the three of us.”
Derek snorts. “So that’s what you two are doing at midnight every year.”
“Guilty.” Grayson stands. “And now it’s the three of us.”Chapter 18We move into the bedroom and I light a few carefully placed candles while they undress. I turn in time for Derek to pull me into his arms as Grayson moves to press against my back. They undress me as quickly as they undressed each other, and then the three of us are pressed together, skin to skin. I want to hurry and I want to slow down, and the warring impulses nearly tear me in two.