My teeth clench. I was dreading what there was to know before she said that. I can’t promise I won’t go on a rampage. So she’s going to tell me everything, and then I’m expected to pretend I never heard a word?
‘Promise me,’ she orders, jolting me a little, pushing her front harder into my back.
I’ve never in my fucking life found it so hard to utter three words. ‘I promise you,’ I say through the tightness of my jaw, so hoping I’ve not just made a promise I can’t keep.
‘I’ve had one relationship before you,’ she tells me, her voice shaky. ‘It was a very unhealthy relationship. I lost my identity. I lost my self-confidence. And I lost many things I loved.’ She stops, taking a break, and naturally my mind goes into overdrive. Unhealthy. I need a definition of what an unhealthy relationship is, because the spectrum is too fucking broad. Though the gun Hannah had aimed at my forehead clues me in a little. ‘I left,’ she goes on. ‘I moved away and started afresh. My life since then has been lonely, but it’s been good for me. I’ve found myself again. And now I’ve found you, too. You’ve helped me truly find happiness again, and now I just want to forget everything that came before.’
Motherfucker. I drop my head back, looking up to the sky, like the endurance I’m going to need can be found there. Endurance not to track down that man and riddle him with bullets. Her nose that’s clearly been broken. Her fights with flashbacks and meltdowns. What the fuck did he do to her? I breathe through the growing rage that her words and my thoughts bring on, and Hannah tightens her hold on me more, so I know she’s feeling the heat of my anger.
I have her here with me. She’s safe here with me. Nothing can touch her.
‘You promised me,’ she says into my skin. ‘Let it go.’
There’s so much more she isn’t telling me. Like the women she was watching in Grange this morning. Who are they? Let it go. Can I? Should I? Fuck me, do I have a choice?
It takes everything in me to nod and squeeze her hands. ‘Okay,’ I say, turning and looking at her like she asked me to. Like she is mine, because she is. And like nothing came before me, because to her it didn’t. What Hannah needs should be my priority. So I have to shake off my own need to know every detail of her past. I have to shake off the need for vengeance. Hannah is here with me, and she’s telling me to love her. Loving her is the easy part. ‘There won’t be a day that passes without me telling you I love you.’ I drag my thumb across her bottom lip. ‘There won’t be a night that passes without you feeling how much I love you.’ I cup her face in my palms, desperate for her to understand the depths of my feelings. ‘I promise you I’ll always protect you. I promise you I’ll always be strong for you. I promise you I will walk through hell and back again if it means saving you from hurt. There is nothing in this world that could make me happier than simply knowing you are in my life, and I am what you need.’ I kiss her hard. ‘So I promise you, I’ll let it all go because I love you.’
She slings her arms around me and crawls up my body, and my legs give out on me, taking me down to my knees. With Hannah in my lap, I swathe her, absorbing every pound of her thumping heart. My clarity is back. She is my clarity. Nothing else matters. I will be the man she wants. I’ll surrender my need to know the gory details, because I want to be her peace, not add to her torment. I can’t lose her.
I keep us on the ground for as long as my heels digging into my arse will allow, happy to softly trace the skin of her back, smiling to myself each time I feel her flex her front into me, the sensitivity becoming too much. But I don’t stop. Each press of her chest to mine, each smile of hers I feel against my shoulder, each light bite of my flesh, just urges me on.
‘Can I stay with you tonight?’ she asks, pulling herself out and presenting me with sleepy eyes. ‘If Alex doesn’t mind.’
‘Alex is at Darcy’s tonight preparing for the pageant.’ My backside has finally declared the onset of numbness, so I push my palm into the ground and lift Hannah as I stand. She’s exhausted. I have to admit, I’m there myself. All this talk of love and pasts has drained us both.