We walked in silence to our apartment and the second we entered, Brian advanced on us. “Where have you been?” He snarled. “I've been out of my mind from worry!”
I shrunk back, it wasn’t voluntarily, my body acted on its own accord. He halted, his expression one of despair. Slowly his shoulders slumped and he took a step back, the pain in his eyes almost too much to bear.
“Relax, Brian. We were just ice-skating with Reagan and Kevin,” Zach tried to explain but Brian wasn’t listening. He glared at Zach. “Don’t you remember what I told you?”
Zach tensed. “Didn’t you listen to what I just said? We were out with Kevin and Reagan.”
Brian shook his head, then he disappeared in his room without another word.
“What did he tell you?” I asked.
Zach looked uncomfortable. “Nothing.” His face was giving nothing away, but something had happened between Brian and him, and it had something to do with me.
“Brian will calm down soon,” Zach said. I gave him a weak smile and shook my head. “I need to talk to him.”
“Are you sure?” Zach asked. We were standing so close, closer than I’d have thought possible before today. “I could try to talk to him.”
“I’m his sister. I’m the reason why he’s like this. I need to do this.”
Zach hesitated, looking like he wanted to say more, but then he nodded and headed for the kitchen. I went ahead and knocked at Brian’s door.
“Go away, Zach,” Brian shouted. “I don’t want to deal with you right now.”
“It's me, Brian.” It was silent in the room and I feared that he didn’t want to see me either. Why was he being so difficult?
“Come in,” Brian said so quietly I almost didn’t hear him. I eased open the door and stepped into the room. Brian was sitting on his bed, his elbows propped up on his legs. He raised his head. Our eyes met and I could tell that he was on the verge of tears. The struggle was obvious on his face.
I hesitated, unsure of what to do. I pushed my anxiety aside, and closed the door behind me. His eyes followed me as I moved toward his bed and slowly his face filled with confusion. I sank down an arm-length away from him. Brian sat up straight. He was silent, waiting for me to do the first step. I took a deep breath and reached for his hand resting on his legs. Tentatively, I covered it with mine.
Brian froze and stared down at our hands like he'd never seen a hand before.
“Brian?” I said softly and he lifted his gaze to look at me. He didn’t try to grab my hand or move at all.
“Amber?” His voice shook with emotions and the small flicker of hope in his eyes encouraged me further. I could do this. I could be a good sister for Brian. I was in control of my fears. I could conquer them.
“I'm sorry if I upset you,” I told him.
He shook his head slowly. “I was just so worried when I came home and you weren't there. I sent you several texts but you never replied.”
“My mobile was in my bag. I didn’t check it while we were at the rink.”
“So you spent the day with Zach?”
“We were just ice-skating together. It was Reagan's idea.”
“You’re spending a lot of time with Zach.”
“Are you jealous?”
“Maybe,” he admitted grudgingly. “But that’s not why I don’t want you to hang out with Zach.”
“Then why?”
“He’s not good for you.”
“Not good for me? I like spending time with him. I like how he makes me feel. How can that not be good?”
Brian paled. “Please don’t tell me you’re falling for him.”
I wanted to deny it, but I couldn’t lie to Brian again. “I don’t know,” I said quietly.
“Fuck,” he muttered, then hastily added. “Sorry.” His eyes wandered over my face. “I mean it, Amber. Zach is one of the last guys you should fall for. He’s not good for you.”
I got up, frustrated and confused. “You’re his friend. How can you say something like that? Why are you even friends with him if you think so badly of him?”
“Zach is a good friend. He is my best friend. That’s why I know of his history with girls. He never settles. For him girls are just good for one thing.” He paused to see if I understood. I nodded, getting what he meant. I wasn’t stupid.
“But why? Zach seems like a good guy. He doesn’t strike me as someone who would use girls.”
Brian shrugged. “It’s because of his parents, I guess. Their marriage is a train wreck from what he tells me. His father cheats with girls that are Zach’s age and his mother drinks because of it. Zach thinks he’s like his father.” Brian stood to pace the room and I tensed. He pointed at me. “That’s why he isn’t good for you.”
I flushed. “I’m trying to get better, Brian. It’s all I want. I want to be happy. I want to date. I want to love someone like Mom loved Dad.” I swallowed.
“You do?” Brian asked softly. Why was it such a surprise to him? I nodded. “I thought you only came here to get Dad off your back, not because you actually wanted to get better.”
“It started like that, but I realized that I actually want this. I want a life.”
Brian looked like I’d given him a huge present. “That’s great, Amber. I’m glad you want to live. For a while, I really worried you were going to try to end things again.”
I lowered my face, embarrassed for what I’d put them through. “I don’t want to kill myself anymore.” I peered up. “I want to move on. But you have to let me.”
“I’m not stopping you from moving on. But not with Zach.”
“Why?”
Brian looked at me worriedly. “I just don't want you to get hurt.”
“Do you think Zach would hurt me?”
Brian shook his head without hesitation. “No, not on purpose, and he knows that I'd kill him if he did.”
“Brian,” I scolded. “Don't say such things.”
Brian's eyes were soft as he spoke. “But it's the truth, Amber. I couldn't live with myself if someone hurt you again, not after...I still can't forgive myself that I wasn’t there to protect you when it happened.” Self-hatred flashed in his eyes and I was taken aback by his words. I'd never realized that Brian blamed himself for what had happened. If he'd just told me this before, then I could have convinced him that it wasn’t his fault. I'd never blamed him or Dad. If I blamed anyone, then it was me.
“Brian, nothing of it was your fault. You couldn't have done anything even if you'd been there. There were three of them.” My voice got stuck in my throat as the images of that day flashed up in my mind and I closed my eyes tightly in an attempt to banish them.
“Amber.” His pained voice drifted into my ears, and I opened my eyes and looked at him with a weak smile. “I’m okay,” I said.
“When you are with Zach, you seem so much more relaxed than with me. Why?”
I bit my lip uncertainly. “With you, I have the feeling that you're always watching me, waiting for me to freak out or break down, and it makes me feel scrutinized.”
“I never meant to put pressure on you, Amber. I'm just always so worried about you.”
“I know, but maybe you can pret
end I’m a normal girl and not a broken porcelain doll,” I said softly, smiling hopefully.
“I'll do my best,” he promised.
“That's all I'm asking for.”
“About Zach—”
I held up my hand. “I know, you don’t want me to spend time with him. But I can’t help how I feel.” At the look on his face, I said, “I don’t even know if I’ll act on my feelings. I don’t even know what exactly they are. I don’t know if I even want to figure them out. I’m not exactly girlfriend material either.”
“Don’t say that.”
“We both know it’s true,” I said. “I know you worry and you want to protect me but I need to find my own path. Please don’t threaten Zach. It’s not his fault that I like him. He probably doesn’t even feel the same way, so you have nothing to worry about.”
Brian snorted. “I wish that was true.” He shook his head. “I need to get out of here for a while. I’ll be back in a couple of hours.” I stepped back as he passed and a few moments later the front door was thrown shut. What did he mean? Had Zach said something to Brian? I really wished I knew if Zach was interested in me.
I walked into the kitchen. Zach stood in the open fridge, drinking out of a milk carton. He quickly lowered it when he saw me, smiling apologetically. He looked like a child caught with its hand in the cookie jar. “Sorry. I was planning on finishing it.”
I smiled. “Good, I don’t want your cooties.”
He laughed, then downed the rest of the milk.
“That’s kind of gross, you know?” I asked, still in the doorway. My eyes traveled over his body, from head to toe. The way his abs strained against his thin white shirt, the way his biceps flexed, his broad shoulders and the outline of a tattoo on his back shining through. I couldn’t make out what it was. Then I realized what I was doing. Was I really checking out Zach?