Yup.
Can’t believe your parents didn’t tell you about CD coming back.
They were too busy taking my door off the hinges.
WHAT? jk, right?
Not jk at all. 1 sec.
I pick up the computer and turn it around so that the webcam has a view of the door. I snap a picture, load it into the IM screen and send it. Scarlett’s reply is swift and appropriately shocked.
OMG! THEY DIDN’T!
Oh they did.
I hear soft footsteps coming up the stairs and curse under my breath. Wonderful.
Gotta go, I type to Scarlett. Bbiab.
I minimize the chat screen just as Mom appears in the doorway. “Can we talk?” she asks quietly.
“I’m doing homework,” I answer in a curt voice.
“Lizzie.”
“Beth.”
She sighs. “Beth.”
I pretend to be focused on the screen. Mom can’t see it so she has no idea I’m just staring at a screensaver picture of me, Scarlett and Macy at the lake last summer. But Mom’s not going away, either. I can make out her slender frame from the corner of my eye.
She stands there, silently, patiently, until finally I release a loud groan and say, “Fine. Talk.”
Mom steps into the room and sits on my desk chair. I close the computer and wait for her to speak.
She begins with “Your father and I are concerned—”
I can’t stop a snort. “What else is new?”
“Beth,” she chides.
“Sorry.”
“We’re concerned that the boy might harass or upset you at school.”
My gaze flies to hers. “Why would he harass me?”
“Because you’re a reminder of what he’s done to our family, to this town. People don’t like to be reminded of their mistakes. Sometimes they lash out as a result.” Her lips thin out. “I don’t want that boy anywhere near you, Lizz—Beth.”
Despite my anger, I soften slightly, because I appreciate the effort she’s making to call me Beth. She’s trying. More than Dad is willing to try.
“Your father and I will try to have him removed from your school, but I can’t promise that we’ll be successful.”
I arch a brow. She’s acting as if I’m the one who requested they do that. Which I didn’t. “I’m not asking you to do anything. I don’t care if he goes to school with me.”
“Just the sight of him made you sick to your stomach today!” Mom is visibly stricken. “He’s a threat to your mental health and your well-being, and I promise you we’ll do what we can. But on the off chance that we fail, we need you to promise that you’ll stay away from that boy.”
Hysterical laughter burns my throat. Too fucking late, Mom.
“We won’t let him hurt you or our family ever again,” she says, and the ferocity of her tone startles me. “I won’t let him. He already took one daughter from me, and...” Her voice catches, and she takes a long, deep breath.
The pain in her eyes chips away at more of my resolve. We used to be so close. When I was growing up, she’d take me on an outing once a month, just me and her. I think it was her way of showing me she loved me as much as Rachel, even though deep down I knew Rachel was her favorite. Rachel was Dad’s favorite, too. I guess the firstborn daughter always is. But I didn’t care about being their favorite. At least when Rachel was alive, I had parents who loved me.
I miss that.
“He won’t hurt me, Mom.”
She doesn’t seem to hear me. “What you said yesterday. About...about this being a prison.” She lifts her gaze to mine. There’s so much anguish there. “This house isn’t a prison, Beth. It’s a safe haven. It’s the only place where you’re truly safe. Where nothing can hurt you.”
I stare at her. Really? I am hurt in this house. They’re suffocating me with their fears. They took away my door, my privacy.
She’s delusional if she believes I feel safe here.
About as delusional as me thinking I can pretend I didn’t sleep with the boy who killed my sister.
8
The next morning, I find Scarlett and Jeff waiting by my locker. Scarlett immediately throws her arms around me and whines, “It sucks that you don’t have a phone.”
“I know,” I say glumly.
“Your dad said he took it away because you snuck out to a party?” Jeff prompts.
I narrow my eyes at him. I don’t remember that coming up at all during dinner last night. “When did he tell you that?”
“This morning. I stopped by the hardware store to say hello before school.”
The revelation bugs me a little, but I can’t explain why. Jeff was over at our house all the time when he was with Rachel. He practically lived there. But it’s been ages since anyone has seen him, and Rachel is gone, so this insta-closeness with my family is weird to me.
“Where was this party?” Jeff keeps pushing for details. “Was it just you and Scar?”
“I didn’t go,” Scarlett, the traitor, tells him. “Beth went on her own. With a bunch of kids from Lexington Heights.”
I scowl at her and she shrugs as if to say I didn’t know it was a big secret.
“Lexington kids?” Jeff says with visible disapproval. “All those Lex kids are total trash, Lizzie. Everyone knows that.”
“Not all of them,” I say in the defense of Ashleigh and Harley and the rest of the kids who were nothing but nice to me on Saturday. “I had a good time.”
“Yeah? Doing what?” he says suspiciously. “I’ve heard about the kinds of drugs that float around at those Lex parties.”
“I don’t do drugs,” I say stiffly.
“I should hope not.”
The judgment in Jeff’s eyes grates on me. Who is he to judge? He doesn’t even know me anymore. The last time he saw me, I had a mouth full of braces and a face covered with zits. I don’t think I’d even kissed a guy at that point.
“Anyway, it was fun,” I tell Jeff and Scarlett. I slam my locker shut and shift my backpack onto my shoulder. “I have to go. I want to talk to my Calc teacher before the bell rings. I’m already a day behind because I missed class yesterday.”
I leave before they can respond, waving a hurried goodbye over my shoulder. Truth is, I do want to get to AP Calc early. But not to talk to the teacher.
My heart is racing as I lurk outside the classroom door. Kids stream past me up and down the hallway. Some duck into the classroom I’m waiting by, others dart through the other open doorways in the corridor.
Where is he?
Impatience has me tapping my foot and playing with the straps of my backpack. I search the hall for him, scanning every boy that comes near. I dismiss the ones with dark hair, the gangly ginger-haired one, the one with the dreadlocks and his buddy with the shaved head. I wait in the hall, even after the bell rings, even after the classroom door closes.
And finally, my patience pays off.
Charlie Donnelly appears at the end of the hall. He’s wearing black cargo pants and a black T-shirt, and a harried look on his face. He rakes a hand through his dirty-blond hair as he rushes down the tiled floor. He’s clearly pissed at himself for being late.
When he sees me, he stumbles to a dead stop.
“Fuck,” he murmurs.
“Chase,” I say awkwardly.
I take a step forward, and he takes a very fast one to the side.
His hand shoots out for the doorknob. “We’re late for class,” he says, and his tone is so cold, so aloof, that I frown deeply. He won’t even look at me.
“I don’t care if we’re late. I need to talk to you.”
“Got nothing to say,” he mutters.
“Please,” I beg.
I grab his hand before he can turn the knob. He flinches as if I’ve burned him with a hot iron. Hurt trembles i
n my belly. A few days ago, he was begging me to touch him. Now it’s like he can’t stand the sight of me, the feel of me, the—
And why the hell do I care? A wave of anger and self-reproach washes over me. This guy hit my sister with his car and went to jail for it. I shouldn’t give a flying fuck if he isn’t into me.
“Well, I have something to say,” I grind out. “And it doesn’t matter if we’re one minute late or five minutes late—late is late. So you might as well give me a few seconds of your precious time.”
His hands drop to his sides. He’s still making a very obvious effort to not look at me. Those blue eyes focus on a spot a few feet above my head. I feel stupid talking to his chin, but I do it anyway.
“You’re going to school here now,” I start.
“Are you asking me or telling me?” His gaze swings briefly to mine before sliding away.
“I’m stating a fact. You go here now. I go here. We have classes together.” I awkwardly jerk my hand at the door behind me. “So...yeah. Given that this is the situation we’re in, I think we should...clear the air, I guess.”
His dumbfounded gaze collides with mine. “Clear the air.” He makes a choked noise. “I...” He wrenches his gaze away again. “You’re Rachel Jones’s sister.”
My heart clenches. “Yes.”
“So there’s no air to clear, Elizabeth.”
“It’s Beth.”
He ignores me. “Move away from the door.”
“No.” I stubbornly plant my feet on the ground and cross my arms. “You can’t pretend I don’t exist. You can’t pretend that we didn’t have se—”
“Shut up,” he growls.
My eyes widen.
Almost instantly, his features twist with distress. “I’m sorry for snapping,” he says roughly. “And I’m sorry for the other night...” He trails off, and I realize that the dark emotion swimming in his eyes isn’t quite remorse.
It’s shame. He’s ashamed of what we did, too.
“You regret it,” I mumble.
This time, he looks right at me, and his stare doesn’t waver. “Yes.”
I can’t explain the wave of hurt that crashes into me. “Because I’m her sister?” I have to ask. My voice shakes wildly with every word.
“Yes,” Chase says again.
That gives me pause. “But if I wasn’t her sister...” I draw a quavery breath. “Would you regret it?”
He eyes me for a long moment, those blue eyes sweeping over my face, then shifting lower. “No,” he finally admits.
It’s my turn to feel ashamed. That one tiny syllable—no—brings a flash of relief, a flicker of happiness. Nausea burns my throat and I want to throw up at my response to this guy.
While I stand there immobile, Chase gently moves me aside and opens the classroom door. He disappears inside without another word.
I turn and watch his broad back as he makes his way to his desk. He folds his tall frame into a chair and stares straight ahead.
At the front of the room, Mrs. Russell is talking about Mathematical Practices for AP Calculus, or MPACS, that will dictate our course of study this semester. She notices me in the doorway and a slight frown creases her lips. She glances at Chase, then at me, then says, “Beth, why don’t you take a seat? There’s an empty one in the back.” AKA as far away from Chase as possible.
I trudge into the classroom, making a pointed effort not to look at him. Our conversation was too short. I have more to say to him. I’m not entirely sure what, but I do know one thing. Chase and I have unfinished business.
I check my watch. Our next class together is Music History. That gives me two hours to plot. Even a stone can be worn away by a constant drip of water. Well, watch out, Chase. Here comes a flood.
9
I haven’t passed a note since the fourth grade and that was to Scarlett asking her if she wanted to learn how to skateboard. I’d watched a YouTube video of some girls in Afghanistan burning it up and wanted to be as cool as them. Scarlett had said no.
We need to talk. Meet me at my house. Midnight, I scribble while Ms. Dvorák talks about the dead white guys we’ll be studying in Music History. I’ll be sneaking out.
Eh. I erase the last part. He doesn’t need to know that. Besides, it’ll be kind of obvious. I fold the notebook paper and glance over my shoulder. He’s two rows over and one row back, staring intently at his textbook. How do I get his attention while not creating a spectacle of myself?
I cough lightly.
“You okay?” Scarlett hands me a water bottle, but Chase doesn’t move.
I wave her off. I tap my pencil on my desk. Ms. Dvorák pauses in midsentence. I lay my pencil down. Still nothing from the boy in black. Isn’t it kind of clichéd of him to wear all black? Is he trying to announce that he’s a bad guy? He has a record and everyone knows it. He could wear white every day, and half the school would still mark him down to star as all the villains in the school play.
I wiggle in my seat, trying to make it squeak.
“Ms. Jones, do you need to use the restroom?” Ms. Dvorák asks. “Then, please, enough with the background noises, all right?”
I could die of embarrassment. “Yes, ma’am.”
My gaze drifts over to Chase again, only this time I’m not terribly covert about it because Ms. Dvorák notices.
“Ah,” she says. She clucks her tongue sympathetically. Rapping her knuckles on the table, she calls out, “Mr. Donnelly.”
His head pops up. “Yes, ma’am?”
“Please go sit in the hall. You are disturbing the class.” Her plump, friendly face has grown cold.
What? I straighten up and lift a hand to motion that I’m all right. A few boys in the back snort and chuckle.
“Mr. Donnelly. Did you hear me?”
Everyone is staring at him now. Someone throws a crumpled piece of paper at him. He doesn’t flinch, but there’s a red flush creeping up his neck. Silently, he gathers his books and rises.
The whispers grow, like a wave, pushing at his back. One of the football players loudly proclaims that this day is going to be killer. The whole classroom erupts into laughter. Even Ms. Dvorák’s lips twitch.
I track Chase’s path with stunned horror. The muscles of one defined arm flex as he twists the doorknob.
The door closes softly behind him and the sound crescendos.
“God, I cannot believe he’s allowed in this school,” Scarlett says.
“I don’t know why he would want to come here,” I reply. I wanted to crawl under my desk earlier, but whatever I’m feeling can’t begin to compare with Chase’s humiliation.
But why am I sympathizing with him, dammit? I’m supposed to hate him, just like everyone else hates him. I’m supposed to feel sick that I allowed him to touch me.
Maybe I shouldn’t hate him, then. Maybe I should hate myself.
I groan in distress, causing Scar to glance over. “You okay?” she asks.
No, I’m not okay. At all. But I manage a nod.
“Did you see how he walked out of here? All swagger and shit. Like he’s proud of what he’s done. It’s disgusting.” My friend’s face screws up like she’s smelled one of Allyn Todd’s infamous farts.
“Yeah,” I echo vaguely. He didn’t seem intimidated at all—not by the other students, not by the teacher, not even by me. There’s something intriguing about that. It’s what drew me to him before, when I only knew him as Chase, a random hot guy at a party who gave me attention when I needed it.
Ms. Dvorák calls the class to order and continues her lecture, but my attention is broken. Shouldn’t I be having the same feelings as Scarlett? Shouldn’t I be mad at this guy? Shouldn’t I be horrified that I have to breathe the same air, sit in the same class? What’s wrong with me that I’m not?
Why do I feel like it’s my clas
smates and Ms. Dvorák who are the problem here and not Chase? I half expected the class to rise up and yell “Shame” like some scene out of Game of Thrones. And that doesn’t sit right with me.
It’s been three years since Rachel died, but no one wants me to let go.
After the bell rings, I linger at my desk until Ms. Dvorák notices me.
“Is there something I can do for you, Elizabeth?”
I pick up my supplies and make my way to the front. “About Charlie—”
“I can’t kick him out of the class every day,” she interrupts. “You’ll have to talk to the principal about that.”
“I know. I...I’m actually not bothered by him.”
“You don’t need to say that. I’m not thrilled to have to teach him, either.”
I grapple for an argument that she’ll buy. “My family believes in forgiveness,” I lie. “That an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. That sort of thing.”
Ms. Dvorák’s face softens. “That’s very generous of you.” She leans forward and pats me on the shoulder. “I’ll do what I can to minimize his disruption. I suppose I can ask Principal Geary myself to have him transferred to another class. If he needs a fine arts credit, he can take something else.”
My mouth falls open slightly. She totally mistook my attempts to smooth things over as a complaint in disguise.
“He’s not a disruption,” I repeat.
“You don’t always have to put on a brave front, Elizabeth. I’ll see what I can do, all right? Now, you’d better go so you’re not late for your next class.” She gives me another distracted, condescending pat.
Frustrated, I stomp out of Dvorák’s classroom and go hunting for Chase, the note I wrote him firmly in hand. Of course, he’s not readily found. I walk down to the lockers, but there are so many people around that I can’t slide the note into his locker without being seen.
Or can I? Who says I shouldn’t talk to him?
“Lizzie! Are you okay?” Macy throws her arms around me. “I heard that—that criminal was bothering you in Dvorák’s Music History class. How horrible. This school is the worst.”
“It’s Beth,” I mutter, but nobody’s listening to me.