Reason seized me, and I did my best to squirm free. My best wasn't good enough, and all I could do was slide my mouth away from his. He simply moved down, kissing my neck. The energy didn't stop.
"Seth. Seth. We made the point. We saw how far we can go."
His eyes, full of so much longing and passion, held mine. "Please, Georgina...we're so close...just this once..."
We were so close. Too close.
"No." I pressed my palms to his chest. "Seth! Stop." I shoved hard. "Stop!" I broke free all at once and staggered a few feet back, my hand catching the counter for support. The energy transfer cut off abruptly.
He reached out a hand to help steady me, but I stayed out of reach. "Are...are you okay?" he asked.
"I'm fine," I said, breath heavy. "But you aren't. I got a little - a little of your energy."
"A little is nothing."
"Not to me," I said, still keeping my distance.
"It's not your energy," he said. His eyes were still heated and hungry. "It's mine. And I think it was worth it." He took a step forward. "And I'd think it was worth it, even if I lost more."
I held out my hand, palm-first. "Stop. Don't come closer. I don't trust you."
His expression became less aroused and more dumbfounded. "You...don't trust me? I never thought I'd hear you say that."
"That's not what I meant. Exactly. I mean, I don't know. I don't think you're going to rape me or anything, but you're...uh, persuasive. And you haven't been yourself lately. Ever since you got shot. You've been...I don't know. Risky. Like you're having a mid-life crisis."
"I'm having a life crisis, Thetis. I don't want to be one of those people who discovers on my death bed that I didn't do anything. Why can't you understand this? You're so quick to encourage Maddie to do exciting things, but you're still trying to protect me."
"It...it's different."
"How?" he asked. "Why is it okay for her to take risks but not me?"
"Because there's a big difference between going rock climbing and sleeping with someone who's going to take years off your life. How long is this phase going to last? You always said it wasn't about sex between us."
"It's not," he said stoutly. "Not at all. I love you for...so many reasons. More than I can even begin to describe. But I don't want to die never having touched you. Really touched you."
I stared. He was serious. How could he say he didn't want to die without touching me when touching me would only lead him closer to death?
"You're only saying this because you haven't had sex in so long," I accused. "You got all turned on and now you're not thinking straight."
"I am turned on," he agreed. "By you. The woman I love." He took another step toward me but still stayed far enough away so we didn't touch. "I want you, Georgina. So badly it kills me. I know you want me too. How can we go on being afraid of something we never tried? I'll take a hit for it, yeah, but if we go on for years...without ever knowing..." He shook his head and sighed. "Please, Georgina. Just this once. Let us be together - really together."
I swallowed. He was so earnest. So sweet. So sexy. And so help me, he sounded reasonable. The calm way he spoke almost made me believe it didn't matter, that if I gave in and let our bodies come together, the loss would be small and inconsequential. I looked into his eyes and tried to convince myself of his rationalization, bringing up what Carter and others had said. That it was Seth's choice to make, nothing for me to worry about.
But, of course, it was.
"No," I said. "I can't. Please, Seth. Don't do this. Don't look at me like that. I love you too - so, so much. But we can't do this. I'm telling you, you just need to have sex. Go out and find someone - anyone. It doesn't matter. I don't care. It'll fix all this and make it easier for us to go on."
"You would care," he said, voice deadly calm. "You say you wouldn't, but you would."
"Not if it protects you."
"Protecting me doesn't matter."
"Damn it, it does!" I yelled, lunging forward. I drove my fists - lightly - into his chest, and all the emotion that had been building up throughout this argument suddenly burst out. "Don't you get it? I have to protect you! If anything happens to you - if I'm responsible for anything happening to you - it will kill me. It. Will. Kill. Me. I can't handle that. I can't handle anything happening to you. It will kill me!"
I stopped my yelling and met Seth's eyes. Neither of us said anything. And as he stared down at me, I knew what he was thinking. Because I was thinking exactly the same thing. I had just given voice to what Hugh had said, what Seth had been worried about. In my outburst, I'd changed the balance of risk. It wasn't about Seth hurting. It was about me hurting.
Gently, he reached out and caught my wrists. He removed them from his chest and let go. Backing up, still not speaking, he picked up his clothes and began dressing. I stayed where I was, naked and frozen.
"Seth..." I said slowly. "I didn't mean it."
"It's okay, Thetis," he said, fastening his pants and not meeting my eyes. "I understand. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I pushed you."
"No, no...it's not..."
"It's okay," he repeated. His voice was so, so neutral. So, so steady. It wasn't natural. "Really. But I think I need to go. I think it's better for both of us, and God only knows you have enough going on without me to worry about."
I felt tears starting to fill my eyes. "I didn't mean..."
"I know what you meant," he said. He straightened his shirt and finally looked at me. "But seriously...I should leave. We'll talk...I don't know. We'll talk later." He held out his hand, like he might touch my cheek, and then let it drop. With another sigh, he said good-bye and left.
I stood exactly where I was, still not moving. My heart felt like it had just had acid thrown on it. It was burning and raw. Finally, finally, it all caught up with me. My knees gave out, and I sank to the floor. It was cold and hard against my bare skin. I drew my knees up to me and buried my face in them, wondering what I had done. Part of me screamed to go follow him, to beg him to come back, to tell him we could make love and have everything we had ever wanted. Another part, half-reason and half-pride, held me back.
It was that same part that had stopped me from going after Andrew that day back in the garden after we'd fought about the Black Death. I'd let him go and gone out of my way to avoid him after that. When the plague finally came to our town, my bishop was one of the first to leave. I went with him and the rest of our household. Just like in The Masque of the Red Death, there was no true place to hide from sickness. Still, some places were better than others, and my bishop took care to keep to the better places. He survived.
Months went by, and stories and rumors trickled in about the town we'd lived in. By that point, I'd grown weary of Geoffrey and decided it was time for me to move on. I got permission from my archdemon for a transfer to Florence and sneaked out of Geoffrey's house one night to make the long journey. Our old town was along the way, and a week later, I passed through it.
A plague town wasn't quite like what modern people might imagine. It wasn't as though there were piles of bodies lying in the streets or anything. Not always. After all, Europe had survived the Black Death in the end, and civilization had still functioned through the worst of it. Crops were still grown, houses still built, babies still born.
But the town seemed quieter and more melancholy than when I'd lived there. Andrew wasn't at the church when I stopped by, and an old man tending the grounds told me that Andrew was off helping some of his parishioners in one of the poorer districts.
I found him there, inside the home of a brewer. The brewer had a large family - eight children - as well as a couple of brothers living with him. The house was small and cramped and filthy. Everyone in it was sick except for the brewer's wife who wearily tried to help Andrew take care of her family.
"Cecily?" he asked in astonishment when he saw me. He was kneeling by a teenage boy. Something inside my chest blossomed with both joy and relief. Andrew was alive. He'd stayed, fought disease, and won.
I strode forward and knelt beside him. The wife, giving water to a small girl, watched me uneasily. I wasn't in silk or anything, but I was clearly from a different class than theirs, and she didn't entirely know how to treat me.