"Oh, yeah. That'd go over - hey, is that Seth?"
We were cutting across the open room the auction would take place in, heading toward the volunteers' area. Lots of people had gathered, filling most of the round tables facing the stage. I followed her gesture to where Seth sat at one of the few tables that wasn't already full. Seeing us notice him, he held up his hand in greeting.
"He wanted to come support you," I told her. Actually, Seth had been appalled at me strong-arming Maddie into this and had attended mainly out of a perverse fascination at what he thought might end in disaster.
But Maddie, not knowing his motives, was pleasantly surprised. She smiled, and I nearly swooned.
"That," I said. "That right there is what you need to do."
The smile dropped. "That what?"
Hugh practically skipped over when he saw us. "I knew you didn't hate kids. I knew you'd cave and come help - "
"Not me," I said. "Maddie." I rested a hand on her shoulder.
Hugh's face turned perfectly blank. "Oh?"
Just then, a tall brunette in a black satin evening dress strolled over. The "fucking fox," presumably. She extended her hand. "Hello, I'm Deanna, the coordinator. You must be Hugh's friend?"
"Georgina," I said, shaking. "But Maddie here is your volunteer. She's a journalist for an important women's magazine."
Deanna's eyes lit up. "Ah! We love celebrities. Let me take down your information."
She led Maddie away. As soon as they were gone, Hugh turned on me. "What the hell? I wanted Georgina, and you give me Georgy Girl."
"You are such an ass**le. That's a horrible thing to say."
He shrugged, eyes on Maddie. "I call 'em like I see 'em. She's huge."
My eyes were on Maddie too. She actually looked quite slim in the dress, but Hugh was one of those guys who liked bony types - so long as their chests were big enough.
"You're the reason women have such horrible self-esteem issues. You tear them apart. Women, I mean. Not the issues."
"Look, I'm sure she's not all bad," he said. "She probably gives good head."
I rolled my eyes. "Flatterer. Why do you say that?"
"Fat girls always do. They have to. Only way they can get men."
I punched him in the arm. Hard.
"Ow! Fuck, that hurt."
"You're a jerk," I told him. "Maddie's beautiful."
"She's okay," he said, rubbing his injured arm. "And I can't exactly have just okay tonight - not with that liability already on deck."
He pointed over to where some of the other volunteers waited. Immediately, I found what he referred to. It was easy because Tawny towered over the other women by about a foot.
"Holy Christ," I said. "How did that happen?"
He threw up his hands, looking miserable. "She latched on to the idea when you mentioned it at the bar."
"I didn't even think she heard me," I said apologetically.
Hugh waved me toward the crowd. "Too late now. Go have a seat, Brutus, so this disaster can get under way. You've ruined the night. I don't know why you hate kids so much."
I gave him a parting glare and went off to find Seth. The vampires had joined him since I'd come in.
"You guys here to get a date or a victim?" I asked.
"Neither," said Peter. "We're here to see the Tawny Show."
I sighed. "This is supposed to be a charity event, and people are treating it like a freak show. Hugh already accused me of ruining it by bringing Maddie."
Seth looked surprised. "Why? She looks great."
I pointed her out to Peter and Cody, who also concurred about her cuteness. "She'll be fine," said Cody. "Tawny's going to be the one to watch. I haven't really been able to see what she's wearing. I hope it's up to her usual standards."
"Maybe her Secret Santa will get her some nicer clothes," said Peter. He glanced at me. "You bought for yours yet?"
"Huh?" Right. Carter. I'd completely forgotten. Buying something for that cynical angel hadn't exactly been at the top of my priority list. "I, um, have some ideas. Still thinking about it."
"What about a Christmas tree? You got one of those?"
"Um, haven't done that either."
"I didn't know you wanted a Christmas tree," said Seth. "Do you need help picking one out?"
"Well, I don - "
The auction started, cutting me off. The auctioneer, Nick, was a young guy in his early thirties who probably had a second job doing minor modeling contracts that would never actually get him out of Seattle. He smiled non-stop and did a good job flirting with the women and making guy-jokes to the men. Bids flew fast and furious, and it was easy to get caught up in the excitement.
"Next up," said the auctioneer, reading from a card, "is Tawny Johnson."
"Johnson?" asked Cody. "Kind of boring."
"She made up both her names," I said. Succubi often did. "She probably didn't have any mental energy left after choosing the first one."
"Ouch," said Seth. "Who's being mean now?"
"You haven't met her," I warned.
Tawny pranced up, wearing seven-inch high-heeled shoes that appeared to be made out of stainless steel. They looked like medieval torture devices but matched her super-tight, silver lamé hot pants and jacket.
"She didn't disappoint," said Cody, studying the outfit.
Unsurprisingly, she stumbled the last couple of steps, and Nick reached out to steady her.
"Careful there," he said, flashing his brilliant white teeth. "Men are supposed to fall all over you."
It took her a moment to get the joke, and then she burst into small, high-pitched giggles. The noise grated on my nerves, but Nick seemed quite pleased to have someone appreciate his jokes.
"Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself, Tawny," he said. "It says here you're currently unemployed. Does that mean you're out looking for something right now?"
"Well, Nick, I'm out looking for someone right now - if you know what I mean."
"Oh my God," I said.
"That was kind of funny," Peter noted.
"No, it wasn't."
Nick apparently agreed with Peter. He threw back his head and laughed. "Careful there, guys...we got a dangerous one on our hands. Tell me, Tawny, what is it you're looking for in a man?"
She pursed her red-lacquered lips in deep thought. "I'm looking for heart, Nick. Heart and soul. Those are the most important things."
There was a collective "aww" from the audience. Beside me, Peter said, "Okay, the soul thing really was funny. Only to us, of course, but still."
Tawny then winked at the crowd. "But stamina and a big checkbook can make up for that sometimes."
Nick waited for the audience's laughter to fade. "Okay, let's start the bidding at fifty - oh my God."
Tawny had taken off her jacket, revealing a zebra-print bandeau top underneath. 'Top' was a dubious term at best, though. When wrapped around her enormous bust, it looked more like a rubber band and really only served to cover her ni**les.
Bids exploded from the audience, much to the astonishment of my friends and me. More surprising still was when Nick the auctioneer actually joined in.
"Folks, I know this is a bit unusual...but, well, I just can't help myself. Three-hundred dollars."
"Three-fifty!"
"Four-hundred!"
In the end, Nick was the one who ended up winning her, paying a startling five-fifty.
"Well, I'll be damned," said Peter.
I would have made a joke about his comment if I wasn't so shocked. When I finally found my voice, it was to say, "Well...this is a good thing, right? That guy looks like he'd sleep with her right now."
"And," added Cody, "it was all for the kids."
Slowly, my astonishment faded into relief. This was an unexpected twist to the evening. The Tawny problem was fixed. Apparently, all we'd needed to do was essentially run an ad for her. She'd sleep with him, and Niphon would get off my back. One less thing for me to worry about - which was good, because I certainly had plenty of other things. Like Maddie.
It was her turn next. She walked out, face grim and set for battle. She looked both terrified and terrifying. In spite of that hard countenance, I still saw a few interested faces in the audience.