“The kitchen,” Smithy says, nodding toward the door labeled Employees Only. “Come on.”
I follow him, but his staff is bustling around thanks to the packed bar, and I can’t talk to him here, either. Hot tears press at the back of my eyes. I’m one wrong word or sideways glance away from totally losing it.
“This way.” Smithy presses his palm between my shoulder blades and leads me into his office.
I push the door shut and fall against it. “Fuck.” The silence of his office is worse than the cacophony of the bar, and I wish he’d explain this all away somehow. I’m hanging on by a string, and I need my friend to tell me it’s all going to be okay. But when I look at him, he’s worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. “Say something.”
Smithy folds his arms across his chest and rocks back on his heels. “You’re Jessica Rabbit?”
I flinch. “I thought we already established that.”
“Kace told us about his little online piece—”
“Little online piece? What the fuck is that?”
He rolls his eyes. “He told me about his online friend,” he says, emphasizing the word, like he’s censoring for an overly sensitive elderly relative. “I don’t think he has any idea you’re the woman behind the avatar.” He scrubs a hand over his face. “Unless maybe he was just saying that because Dean was there?” He taps his mouth with his index finger. “Could he have been pretending? Surely you talked about who you are at some point?”
I turn up my palms. “Maybe? I . . .” I shake my head. “I don’t know.”
“How do you not know, Stella? Isn’t ‘I’m Stella,’ like, step one of connecting with someone online?”
“I didn’t know he might think I was a stranger until a few minutes ago.” And thanks to Random’s disappearing-message thing, it’s not like I can go back and look at our conversations to know for sure. “I wasn’t trying to hide who I was. I thought he swiped on me.” But I already know the truth. I was the other woman all along. The one I felt sorry for because he said it was only physical attraction with no substance. I remember thinking I knew what it was like to be the girl Kace thought was hot with no substance. Still do, I guess.
Then what did he say tonight? Some things are just deal breakers.
And that was after I’d told him about those videos. He said we all make mistakes, but he was probably trying to be nice, trying to make me feel better. The second I confessed my secret, he ruled me out as a possibility.
Part of me knew it was too good to be true from the start.
Smithy’s face is long, his eyes wide. “But you’re going to tell him, right? Just to be sure?”
“I think I have to.” The words wrap around my stomach and squeeze too tightly. I press my hand to my belly and the gnawing ache there. “I need to.”
Some things are just deal breakers.
“Yes, you have to. Fuck, Stell, he’s really into you. Like, I wasn’t sure he’d ever get over Amy, but he started talking about this Jessica Rabbit chick last week, and I . . .” His throat bobs as he swallows, eyes wide and worried. “He didn’t talk about her like he would if he was hiding something from Dean. And he didn’t seem as screwed up as he’s always seemed about the fact that he wants to fuck you.”
I blink at him. “Excuse me?”
He rolls his eyes. “I mean, who doesn’t, right? You’re a total snack cake.”
I rub my temples. “Please don’t call me or any other woman a snack cake ever again, Smithy.”
He rolls his eyes. “My point is, Kace didn’t know it was you.”
“Maybe he knows,” I whisper. “Maybe we’re freaking out over nothing. Or maybe . . . maybe he’ll be okay with it being me.” I look up at Smithy, but it isn’t until I see worry in the scrunch of his brow that I realize how much I needed his usual optimism.
I sink into the leather upholstered chair across from his desk, lean back, and close my eyes. I’m reprocessing everything Kace has said to me through the app and everything he’s said in person. It’s too much to puzzle out all at once, but every piece that clicks into place is further evidence all my fears were valid. Kace never wanted more than a physical relationship with me. I was his dirty little secret, and the only reason he connected to me on an emotional level was because he didn’t know it was me at all. And now even that connection’s ruined, because I opened my big mouth and told him about those fucking videos.
“Shit. Are you going to cry? Don’t cry, Stell. Please?”