We lay back in the grass and stared up at the night sky. The stars illuminating our faces as we held hands in silence. We were both naked and exhausted from our lovemaking and I rolled over and looked at him for a few seconds before speaking.
“You’re a punk, you know that right? I should have slapped you for what you did.”
“You still can.”
“I should and I could if I wanted to.”
“I like girls who have spunk.” He tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear. “It lets me know that you can’t be broken.”
“We can all be broken. We’re all human.” I frowned.
“But you’re strong.”
“I’m strong, but not infallible.” I touched his chest lightly. “Everyone can be broken, Tyler.”
“Some break more easily than others.” He caught my hand as I grazed his nipple. “Some are more flexible. They can be bent out of shape, but they don’t break.”
“That’s me then, isn’t it?” I sighed. “I was bent out of shape.”
“You don’t have to follow any particular shape. That’s the beauty in life, Evie. You’re not like the other girls. You’re not like any other girl I’ve ever met.” His eyes narrowed as his fingers ran across my stomach.
“I don’t know the other girls, so I don’t know what they’re like.”
“I thought it would all be good fun. I thought this was the only way for me. It was the best way. I never wanted to fall in love. I never wanted to feel for anyone, not after the heartbreak I experienced. I never wanted to experience that again.”
“She must have been very special, this girl that you loved.” My voice choked up. Do not be jealous, Evie. Do not allow yourself to be jealous.
“I loved her from the day she was born.”
“From the day she was born?” I frowned. How did he know her then?
“I remember the day my parents brought her home. She was a little pink bundle of tears and wails, but the first time she saw me, she stopped crying and smiled. I gave her my finger and she held onto it tightly.”
“Oh, are you talking about your sister?”
“Of course.” He blinked at me. “She was the only person I’ve ever loved with all my heart.”
“Oh.”
“Things changed when she died.”
“How did she die again?” I asked quietly, my heart breaking for his obvious pain. I knew that he’d told me before that she’d died of a drug overdose before, but something in me told me to ask again.
“I don’t know.” His lips pursed and I could see the vein in his throat throbbing. “One day she was there and then she was gone.”
“Gone?” My head started throbbing again. What did gone have to do with drugs?
“Yes.” He sat up. “I went to Europe for two weeks with some friends. She wanted to come, but I didn’t want the hassle of looking after my little sister. I entrusted her with a friend.”
“How old was she?” I was confused. “And where were your parents?”
“My parents died in a car crash when I was 22 and she was 12. I was her caretaker from that point on. When she turned 16, she became more rebellious, harder to handle and I started to resent the fact that I had to put up with her. I almost wished that she’d never been born at that point.” His breath caught. “It was selfish of me to think that, of course. And she only acted that way because of the lack of discipline I’d instilled. When she was 18, she became a wild child, she became a stripper, she did drugs, and she did all the things she knew I’d hate. And instead of doing something about it, I disappeared. I went to France and England with a girl I was seeing casually and left her in the care of my cousin.” He sighed. “And then she died.”
“I’m sorry.” I bit my lower lip.
“Grant felt awful about it, of course, but what could we do? We both became men we don’t recognize because of her death.”
“Grant is your cousin?” My jaw dropped. “I didn’t know.”
“And why should you know?” His lip curled. “You know what I want you to know.”
“Grant doesn’t know how she died?” I asked softly, my mind racing. Had Grant done something to her? Or had she died like Eugenie had died?
“She left a note.” He closed his eyes. “She intended to disappear and commit suicide. She said that no one would ever find her body. No one would ever know what happened to her. And that was my punishment for leaving her and going to Europe.”
“What?” I gasped. “That’s horrible.”
“She was young and hurt and lost.” He opened his eyes and looked at me, his eyes blazing. “And that’s what hurts the most, the not knowing. Do you know how much pain I feel in my heart, every time I think about her? I miss her so much. She was my life, even when she was a pain. We loved each other with an unbreakable bond. She was my flesh and blood. And then she was gone and I don’t know where, or how, or with who. And it kills me, every single day, I lose another piece of my heart. It’s disintegrating slowly. I almost have nothing left.”
“You can’t blame yourself, Tyler. It’s not your fault.” I grabbed his hands. “You weren’t to know that she would—“
“I want us to do something.” He cut me off and rolled over. “Say you’ll do something crazy with me.”
“What do you mean?” I groaned. “Haven’t we already done enough crazy stuff?”
“You’ve awakened in me something that makes me feel alive. You’ve awakened in me something that makes me remember a life outside of this prison.”
“But this is a self-imposed prison, no one is making you be there in your figurative pain.”
“It’s what I deserve.”
“So to mask the pain, you and Grant sleep with nameless girls?”
“I don’t mask anything, Evie.” He pulled me up with him. “I live life. I do what I want. And I don’t let society tell me what’s wrong or right.”
“What is it you want us to do?” I asked him softly as I leaned my naked body against his. He pulled me up and towards him and started waltzing with me across the grass. “What are you doing?”
“Dancing.” He said simply.
“But there’s no music.”
“There’s always music.” He held my hands tighter as he guided me across the dark field. “One two three, one two three, one two three.” He said over and over again, his moves effortless. It was hard for me to move with him, without feeling self-conscious. I’d never danced naked before.
“Don’t be so in your head, Evie.” He looked at me with a frown. “Close your eyes.”
“But I’ll trip if I close my eyes.”
“I won’t let you trip.” He shook his head. “Trust me.”
“Okay.” And slowly I closed my eyes and gave in to him, allowing him to continue guiding me across the grass. I was sure that the animals of the night were having a good laugh at us. I felt warm and safe in his arms, but I couldn’t stop myself from asking the question. “Why did you tell me your sister died of a drug overdose before, if now you’re saying you don’t know how she died?” I asked him softly. I wasn’t sure he’d heard me at first because he kept moving us through the field without answering me. The grass felt soft and dewy under my feet and it almost felt like we were gliding. But then all of a sudden he stopped and looked at me with sad eyes.