“What the fuck does she mean, like Donkey Kong?” Noah turns to Kaleigh, looking for an answer.
“Oh, I was only on that list once”—she leans in closer to Noah—“and I begged and cried to get off of it.” She looks at me then back at Noah. “It was like living in that movie The Shining , but worse.” Noah’s face pales at that little tidbit of information. Yeah, welcome to my world, buddy.
He points at me. “If I get it like Donkey Kong, I’m going to put the pictures of your swollen, abnormally large testicles on a billboard in Times Square,” he threatens, while Kaleigh just watches us.
“Who the fuck is Jake?” I ask her.
“Her ex. This should be fun,” she claims, walking away from us.
“You took a picture of my nuts?” I ask him.
He shakes his head at me. “No, I took a burst of shots of your nuts.” Then he walks out, following Kaleigh.
“What are you doing here?” I hear Lauren ask a guy who I assume is Jake.
“I forgot that today was going to be the brunch. I was going to see if Gabe wanted to hang out at the park.” He looks over at a boy who is standing in the corner of the yard, taking a picture of a penis balloon. That must be Lauren’s son.
“Why didn’t you call first?” she questions then shakes her head. “You know what, it doesn’t matter. He can’t go with you, so—”
“Daddy, look at all the willies,” Lauren’s miniature clone says as she walks over to him, two chocolate penises in her little hands. “You want to eat a willy?” She extends her hand to offer him one.
“No, honey, that’s okay, you can have them.” He looks around. “I should go,” he adds, nodding at everyone and then leaving the backyard.
“Hey, Mister.” The little girl looks up at me. “Who are you?” She is biting off the tip of the chocolate penis in her little hand.
“I’m your mom’s boss,” I explain to her, squatting down in front of her.
“Oh, you’re the Asshat?” she wonders, and Lauren’s hand flies to cover her daughter’s mouth in an effort to muffle whatever else she was going to say.
I look up at Lauren to see her shrug her shoulders. “This is Rachel and that is my son, Gabe.” She points back to the kid in the corner, who just raises his hand in a little wave.
“Are we eating or not?” Frank asks.
“Yes,” Lauren answers. “Everyone, please grab a seat wherever you feel comfortable. I’m going to tell Edward we are ready.”
“You two can sit at my table,” Kaleigh invites, while Lauren walks away.
She doesn’t make it inside before she turns around. “They aren’t staying.”
“Oh, come now, Lauren. That would be rude,” Dede chides. “You can sit at our table.” She turns to Frank. “Let’s go sit down, honey.”
Once everyone is seated, I look around at our table. Noah, Kaleigh, Frank, Dede, Lauren, and Josh, who I found out is a doctor and bears a striking resemblance to Newman from Seinfeld .
He sits next to Lauren, standing up when she gets to the table and pushing her chair in. She looks over at him and smiles.
What the fuck is that smile all about? I wonder as I grab my glass of wine and down it in one gulp. “Slow down there, slugger. We don’t want you flying off on one of those penis balloons,” Noah whispers in my ear.
“So,” Josh starts, looking at Lauren. “I hear congratulations are in order. You’re back in the work force now.” He continues in that annoyingly nasal voice of his, “How does this weekend sound?” He blushes and looks down to his hands. What a putz.
“Oh, um, she can’t do it this weekend,” Kaleigh answers for Lauren. “She’s having her bikini area waxed and styled,” she explains, nodding her head.
“What?” He looks confused.
“Well,”—Kaleigh leans in and whispers—“it’s like the Amazon down there.”
Noah spits water from his mouth, while their mother puts her hand to her mouth and Lauren throws her fork down on the plate, the clatter hushing the whispers at our table. “Kaleigh,” she grates out, her jaw ticking.
“What?” she asks. “Was it a secret?” She shrugs. “So sorry.” She brings her glass of wine to her mouth in an attempt to hide her smirk.
“Dear,” Lauren’s mother questions, “are you okay? Is this procedure normal?” She gives her daughter a look filled with concern.
“Mom—” Lauren starts before she is cut off by her father.
“Lauren, it’s been a while since Jake left. Maybe if you—” he gestures with his hand in a circle and his finger sliding in and out—“you won’t be so stressed.”
I look over at Lauren, whose face is red with embarrassment and looks like she is going to lunge right over the table and throttle Kaleigh. She slams her hands on the table, the glasses clinking and rocking with the force of it. “I’m not having any hair removal procedures done, because it is not necessary. Can we please just—” This time, she is cut off by her mother.