“Not just to outsiders,” I snapped. “I will never permit such things. Ever. Do you hear me?”
“Yes.”
“Say you understand why it will never happen again.”
“Because we’re family.”
My heart pounded at the word. For a second, I wished she wasn’t family. I wished we’d never met, so this lacerating torture would never find me. But then, the thought of living in a world where I didn’t have Della…
Fuck.
I’d rather be dead.
But that was my future now. I had to leave her behind. I had to walk away. She had somewhere to go home to, and I did not. Our lives were about to go in separate directions. I would miss her with every tormented heartbeat, but I would rather stay away if I was the reason for her confusion.
“Family don’t hurt each other,” I managed to say even though I almost choked on the lie. My own family had traded me for dollars. Perhaps that was why I’d failed Della? I had no decent role models of my own.
Della tucked unruly hair behind her ear as she stood straighter. “Can I say something?”
I narrowed my eyes warily.
When I didn’t give permission, she ploughed on anyway, “I kissed you—”
“Stop.” I cringed, falling back a step.
Before I could interrupt her with another scathing telling off, she added, “I shouldn’t have done it, Ren. I know that. I’ve learned that lesson, and believe me, I know it will never happen again. And, if I could do it all over again, obviously, I would never have done it…but I did do it. It happened. I can’t undo it. I can’t change it. And…well, I’m glad I did it.”
My mouth hung open in disgusted shock. “What did you say?”
“I said I’m glad I kissed you.” Her tears dried up, and every readable emotion on her face vanished beneath a cool veneer.
I fumbled with the change in her, hating the wall between us, cursing the sudden opaqueness I couldn’t see behind. “What the hell has gotten into you? First, you do something you know is wrong and then you take back any apology—”
“I didn’t say I’m not still sorry,” she grumbled. “I said I’m glad it happened.”
I spread my hands in surrender. “Please enlighten me because you’ve successfully confused the shit out of me.”
Once again, she flinched at my cursing, but the blank shield on her face stopped me from reading anything else.
Standing tall and kissed by moonlight, she said, “I don’t regret it because it gave me all the lessons you just mentioned.”
“I-I still don’t understand.”
She sighed as if it cost her to explain. “You asked me if I knew the difference between platonic love and romantic. I thought I did. I’ve spoken to Cassie about her boyfriends. I know how sex works and what desire is. But learning theory is different to actual experiences.”
She sucked in a breath, looking to the side as if to smooth out her tale with a script hidden from view. “In class, my teachers always encouraged us to learn with first-hand knowledge. They don’t just let us read the textbook. They make us do stuff. Just like you do. You explained how to drive the tractor but until you let me change the gears and operate the thing, I didn’t know what you meant.”
Her argument was too well thought out. Too rehearsed. Too understandable. I hated that my hackles faded under a logical explanation.
“Love isn’t the same as driving a tractor, Della.”
“But don’t you see?” She stepped closer. “It’s exactly like that.”
I schooled myself not to move, not to run as her body heat touched mine.
She looked up into my eyes. “I wanted to know the difference. And now, I do. I know you are my friend and my family. That kiss proved it. I felt nothing but warm love like I always do for you. There was nothing special from that kiss to any other we’ve shared over the years. I’ve kissed you on the lips before. Just like you’ve kissed me. Those weren’t big deals, and this shouldn’t be either.”
Her voice sped up as if her carefully thought-out debate had reached the end, but she wasn’t quite finished with convincing me. “I know the difference, Ren. And I know things are gonna be strange, but they’ll go back to the way things were because nothing has changed. I promise. I’m still Della, and you’re still Ren. I’m growing up now, and soon, you won’t have to worry so much about me. I won’t do anything bad, and I’ll be on my best behaviour. You’ll see. Just please…please…don’t send me back to Cherry River if you’re not coming. I know I made you mad, but I don’t want to live with Cassie and Liam on my own. I want…I want to come with you. Please. Please say you’ll forgive me, and we’ll stay together.”