I hated this new vibrant painful world my emotions had thrust me into. I missed the simple days of girlhood where happiness came from riding Domino, doing well on a test, then hitching a ride with Ren on the tractor while he baled.
These days, I could do something I adored and still find ways to feel wrath and pride and envy.
And if it wasn’t those three terrible sins, it was the other four.
Greed I often felt, especially around kids who had things I wanted.
Girls with boyfriends.
Girls with horses.
Girls with short hair or dyed hair or the freedom to paint their nails or dress with low-cut tops and high-waisted shorts.
Those girls attracted the boys.
The ones who were edgy and cool and smoked cigarettes stolen from their parents’ private stash.
I was still the cute little good girl, and no one wanted her.
So yes, greed was a regular companion just like slothfulness. On hot summer days after a long day at school and a complicated day of soaring and plummeting emotions, I found myself hiding more and more from chores and farmyard duty.
Before, I’d bolt off the bus to wherever Ren was, desperate to help him, eager to be of service and earn his wonderful treasured smile. These days, I slinked off the bus and found a shady spot and curled up beneath stencil patterns of leaves. I’d stare at the sunny sky and lament about all the ways my life wasn’t perfect.
In other words, I transformed into the brat who no one likes, and I look back now and wish I had the ability to reach through time and slap myself.
I want to shake my thirteen-year-old self and scream, ‘Get over it! Your life was perfect. You were perfect. You had everything you were envious of and greedy for right beneath your stupid little nose, but you ruined it. You made it all disappear, and it was all because of the last deadly sin.’
Lust.
CHAPTER FORTY
REN
* * * * * *
2013
2013 STARTED LIKE all the rest.
Cassie tried to tempt me out to a local party where sex was guaranteed and liquor was compulsory. Even though I was twenty-three and of legal age to drink, fuck, and do all the stupid shit adults do, I still had responsibilities. I still had a girl dependent on me. I still had a life I valued and secrets I needed to keep secret.
So, just like all the other times, I declined.
And just like all the other times, Cassie promised she’d be back later and would give me my New Year’s Eve kiss. It didn’t matter she was getting serious with Chip. She believed that because I’d been in her life for so many years, I wasn’t classified as cheating.
However, I was done being the other man.
I was done sleeping with her period.
Frankly, I’d grown tired of her games and immaturity a few years ago, but because I had no desire to find another girl to sleep with, I allowed my cock to keep me in an arrangement that offered no other satisfaction apart from a cheap release. But even that couldn’t compensate for the shame I felt afterward, knowing some poor schmuck was in love with her and this was how she treated him.
Instead of doing the usual soul-crushing hook-up, I stayed in my room with Della and stayed up far too late laughing at some stupid TV show and falling asleep amongst chip packets and lolly wrappers.
We hunkered down through winter, believing nothing would change and our content, happy lives had nothing to fear.
For months, we continued to study by night and go off to our separate lives by day, and Della continued to transform into a stunning young woman.
As much as I would like to, I couldn’t call her a girl anymore. Sure, the softness in her eyes still said child rather than woman. Sure, the roundness of her cheeks when she smiled hadn’t given way to the incredible sharpness of her cheekbones just waiting to sweep up and steal her forever from childhood.
Her body had hips with the fledgling hint of breasts. Her stare was full of both heartache and innocence, and sometimes, just sometimes, when she’d flick her hair and the rippling gold cascaded over her shoulders, I’d have to suck in a breath because I lost sight of the kid and only saw a beauty that I’d have to keep locked away so she wouldn’t be devoured by hungry men.
She was far too beautiful, and it made me uncomfortable.
I cursed morning and night when she’d change in front of me.
Before, I didn’t care if she’d strip off her top beside her single bed and slip into a nightgown. I didn’t think anything of it when her jeans slid down her legs and she kicked them across the room with all the care of a teenager who didn’t believe in housework.